Not giving up just yet...

Just a quick mini update. We are extending our deadline. I actually called my agency last week to tell them that we had a deadline at the end of this month. Our caseworker strongly encouraged us to stick it out a little longer. She confessed that one orphanage that exclusively works with WACAP has several children (rumor has it there are 12) pinned for WACAP families and they are just waiting for their paperwork to be processed.

Now, hearing this type of news (when we are at the top of the list) this time last year would have sent Husband and I doing cartwheels around the house, but now it is sort of like, "Well.......".

This orphanage is in the southern region of Ethiopia where paperwork is a messy process that moves at a snail's pace with no guarantees. It could be completed in 6 day, weeks, or months. This children may not even end up qualifying as orphans (if find a living parent, etc). And then with that, there is still that dread that their little lives will not survive the process.

I admit that we still find that tiny ounce of hope that one of those 12 children IS our daughter. In all seriousness... the odds are hugely in our favor that one of those children is a girl. We have boxed away our emotions regarding this prospect with with lock and key for now, but it is enough of a glimmering hope to make us know that we could not walk away right now.

Where we stand today

A few of you have been asking for updates in these final days of this crazy adoption journey of ours. Well, unfortunately, nothing much has changed. Time has allowed be more to aware of and come face to face with our feelings, I guess. Instead of the numbing fear in which I (we) had been experiencing the past few months, our emotional roller coaster has now leveled off.

On a high note, we seem to have wrapped our heads around an older adoption and feel pretty okay with it. Officially, we are now on the wait list for a girl, ages 2-5. Fear had gripped us with bringing an older child into our home; all we could link "older" to was scary words such as RAD (reactive attachment disorder). But truthfully, we eventually just got honest with our feelings in that we have simply aged our of "baby". It just does not feel right for our stages in life anymore and we had to make the choice that if wanted to move forward with adoption, it was going to be older or nothing.

The more we investigated older adoptions by reading, taking classes, and talking to families, the more we realized it is mostly about the child's inherent disposition and resiliency more than anything. Adoption is trauma and loss to these youngsters - to babies and toddlers. I have now heard almost equal stories of 6 month babies not transitioning well and 6 year old blending in perfectly with an adoptive family. We are fully aware that adoption always holds more risks and older can be more challenging at first, but more than ever, we have accepted that things will be the way they will be. Life. There are just no guarantees.

The low note is the reality that things are still not looking good for ET adoptions. In fact, they are looking worse. Let me explain what is going on over there the best way that I understand.

A + B + C

A: A child becomes "referral ready" at an affiliated orphanage. With the restructuring of adoptions via ET government this last year, "referral ready" means a rather stringent process (including an investigation) to ensure that the child is a true orphan. The ET government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays. In the end, a much coveted MOWA letter is issues stating that the orphaned child is legitimate. Where I am still a bit hazy is where in this process the child is matched with a family. It would be the most logical to assume that the child would be matched after the sign, sealed, and delivered MOWA letter, but I am hearing too many families getting matched and flying to ET for their court date without the letter being issued. ??? Anyhow, now to.....

B: The family flies out, spends time with the child, starts the bonding and loving, then goes to court and adopts the child. Let me repeat, ADOPTS THE CHILD. The family then leaves back to the states leaving the child there while .....

C: The US Embassy gets their paperwork in order. Again, for reasons I am not entirely clear, there has been some changes with how the Embassy is processing these children's paperwork (visa, passports, etc). Apparently, the US government is skeptical of the ET government process of orphan investigation (?), so they are conducting their own paper chase. The US government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays (hmmm... sound familiar?). IF... WHEN... the child passes the second round of investigations, then the family can fly back to ET to pick up their child(ren) to bring them home.

I am all about making double sure that a child is legitimately an orphan, but last week our adoption agency sent our a dreadful email to our waiting families and we are all shaken to the core. There were a handful of babies referred out last June (the last wave of referrals). Somewhere between B and C, these children we relocated to a new facility that was acting as an interim between the recently closed down orphanage. Details have been limited and are still leaking out, but I believe that these children were already adopted by their families and their was a hold-up in the US Embassy process. I have heard rumors that these families were searching for their children's status and locations. Apparently, wherever they were, they were languishing and WACAP got word that 3 of the referred babies have died.

My heart has been breaking for those dear babies and loving families. I have been mourning the potential loss of the "idea" of our daughter, so I can't imagine what these families are going through that have already started to attached (and adopted!) to a specific child.

WACAP sounded outraged in their email stating that the US and ET government is failing these children by their delays and uncoordinated restructuring, but there are so many looming questions. I am fighting every inch of my being not to let these doubtful questions creep into my mind, but I can't help but wonder if enough was done on WACAP's behalf to provide a safe haven for these children. Even more so, I question what the HELL we are getting ourselves into.

But despite all of this, we do march on. No doubt many of you reading this may think we must be on the brink of insanity to continue (and we sort of are), but unless you have walked in our shoes, words really can't express why and how we continue on - possibly past our "December 31st" deadline. Honestly, we can't even really figure out that tug anymore. I can verbalize a few feelings to express where we are at today, however.

There are 118 waiting families with WACAP. By changing our referral request, we are now in the #2 spot for age 2-4 referral and #1 for age 5. That is awfully close to feel that our hearts can peacefully go on with the "what-ifs" if we were to bail out now.

Husband and I have come to terms with stopping. As each day passes, we just sort of accept that we will most likely walk forward in life as our family of three. Even though we have always envisioned our family being larger and a little piece of our hearts will always feel that emptiness, we can find contentment with how things are. It would be rough at first to stop, but we know it would get easier. The Kid will be okay, too. We think.

We try our to shield him from the drama. We keep is simple, stick to the facts if we need to, but we can go through weeks without even breathing a word of the adoption within his earshot. Lately, however, we have been watching and listening to his cues and know that he is grieving this potential loss, too. More than grieving - his verbalization of grief is practically palatable and gut wrenching. He confessed how he still longed for her and begged us to tell the agency to still call us of they "find our sister" after we stop. He gets sad after we are around families with siblings. He has taken a newly adopted boy from China (in his extended day program) under his wing. He has a Baby Alive on his Christmas list so he can "have something to take care of if we don't get baby sister" (Santa might be swapping out for a guinea pig instead). Finally, just yesterday, he just about jumped out of his pants when I sat down on a seat near him. Apparently, he has an imaginary "sister friend" that he plays with. Her name is something like "Alhea" or "Mireah" and I squished her when I sat on her.

Again, I know that the kid WILL be okay if Sister never comes to us because he is happy and has a great life but add these confessions to the mix, and the signs are too big to stop just yet.

Hopefully, my next post will be of some cheerful pictures of the holidays (Grammy is coming for a visit!), and maybe even some good news in general for a change!

October fun!

What does one do to get one's mind off of the doom-and-gloom of a crappy adoption (all referrals from ET have come to a screeching halt and there is no end in sight....it is not looking good for us, folks....not at all)? We get out and have some fun!

We started by getting out to enjoy these beautiful mountains just minutes from our doorstep.
A few weeks later, we had our first big snow storm, so of course my boys had to be the first up the canyon to go sledding and to scout out the ski slopes. Notice my son trying to force a smile. He was still in shock after his nightmare trip to Cookie Cutters. "We just asked for A TRIM!" My boy was so shocked at the stylist's misunderstanding of a trim.... which does not mean hacking two inches off... that he cried huge crocodile tears. In turn, the stylist cried, too. The drama! I still think he is a super cute little stinker, though.

Up, Up, and away!
And finally, a really big mind consuming activity was throwing our annual Halloween party. It was a total hit this year and the first party in our new home. We had over 40 people attend and kids were crying when they had to leave. I call that success. :) Got to hand it to our lovely house - it really is built for parties! As always, I forget to take many pictures, so the coolest parts of the party were not captured. The kitchen was filled with a variety of "spooktacular" food consisting of bone bread sticks in a bloody sauce, witch hat cookies, monster munch, and spiderweb dip. Here's a few highlights, though!

The kids started by snuggling in the garage to watch a frightful Scooby.
Next we roasted some weenies and marshmallows.
I whipped up some of my lizard tail, frog eye, snake guts brew. (Shhhh... don't tell, but that pirate was really Husband incognito. Nobody even guessed)
Last but not least, we surprised everyone with our disco room! They must have danced their little hearts out for 2 hours!

My cute little monster, Frankenstein. The girl behind him is his "future wife". He has been convinced that she is "the one" for two years now. Luckily, we like the parents so they have our nod of approval... when they are 30.
Can't help but show off my gorgeous little niece.
Fun times! It made throwing that massive shindig all worth it to see those smiling children (and smiling adult children, as well!).

I'll just take it as a sign.

Husband and I sent an email of our final decision to change our age request to 1-4 late last Monday night - meaning that WACAP would get it Tuesday morning and it would go into effect immediately. All day Tuesday at work, I had these wonderful visions of now walking off the airplane with a little girl holding my hand and no longer carrying an infant. It felt so good and so right. That VERY day I came home from work to find a package waiting on our front step from my sweet and thoughtful friend, Beth (she had no prior knowledge of us thinking about adopting an older child). There was an enclosed card saying she saw this lovely batik at an arts festival, thought of us, and knew she had to buy it. The inscription on the print says,

"Waiting on the porch for mama."

A few changes...

Here they are....

1) After hours, days, weeks, months of thinking and researching - soul searching and lamenting over where we were and where we are now .... we have decided to officially make some changes with our agency. No longer are we on the "infant" request. We are now open to adopt a toddler/child age 1-4.

2) We have had to make an official ending date to the madness. A date that has to be put out there to establish a mutual ground so that the potential blame and/or guilt is never felt toward the one that might have said "I'm done". Come December 31st, together we are pulling the plug.

I am at peace with this. Scared silly on many levels, but at peace.

Miss "M" update

(This is what we get to view off our back porch this time of year. Last week we poured the cement for the hot tub foundation. It is placed with optimal viewing capacity. Oh yeah!)

Thought of a good metaphor to describe our life these days. Take a walk to your window and set your gaze upon one of those newly fallen golden leaves. Watch the breeze pick it up and gracefully glide it through the air, and then watch it take a nose dive, smash to the ground and tumble a bit until the next breeze picks it up again.

This explains the emotions of where we are at with this crazy adoption. A few hours ago we were soaring, and this hour we are getting tossed around (by our thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams). More to come on this another day....

Today this post is about Miss M. With the exception of the 3 people that have followed my blog, I'll give you a quick re-cap. Miss M was adopted from Ethiopia when she was 15. She entered the History class I was co-teaching the week that she came to the states - and the week we submitted our application for Ethiopia. I know... CRAZY!

Fast forward two years and she is a senior and celebrating her 18th birthday tomorrow. She is no longer in my classes, but we have maintained a friendship. Even though she pops her head in to say "Hi" in between classes, I have to do teachery stuff and she has to do socially stuff, so I've had to set a boundary of opening my door after school about 1x/wk for a "chat time". It is usually on Fridays and it's a great way to wrap up my week!

This last week was a not-so-unusual difficult one with a defiant student of mine. This student is easily driving me to burn-out at 100 mph. Our school psychiatrist stopped by to "train me" (aka - train me how to not get myself punched) when he goes, "Well, Mrs. P, the situation we have here with this student is a very tricky one. He has R.A.D, you see, which means Reactive Attachment Disorder. He developed this as a direct result of being adopted at age three..."

Enough said.

My physical and emotional reaction was the immediate drop of my head on to my stack of ungraded papers and to have my fists start pounding my desk. "Nooooo!" I shrieked, "Not that! We are insane! What are we thinking? We could not take that on!" The psychiatrist slowly got up and tip-toed out the door mumbling something along the lines of trying to have a nice weekend. Clearly I am now crazy beyond the realm of a shrink.

A few seconds after he exited, in walked Miss M.

(Attention future/current adopters, just take a moment to ponder this. You are talking scary RAD stuff and then in walks the most amazing ET adopted woman? Please, mind of mine, just help me make sense of it all. I am not really religious ((of the conventional type)), but if someone up there is trying to send me messages, why must they be so mixed?)

Miss M had saved up a lot of exciting things to share. The school counseling department is starting to set her up with financial and scholarship opportunities for university, she talked of her aspirations of getting her nursing degree so she can go and open up "safe houses" for kids in Addis Ababa (yes... she is really THAT amazing), and about the friends she is making in the Ethiopian community that she has now discovered in our own city. She shared music from her favorite African band, talked about a holiday Ethiopia is celebrating this week called Meskel (I think?), and taught me a few new words in Amharic.

She also told me that next year, when she is going to college, she wants me to know that she will be available to call when/if we have troubles with the transition of our child. She can teach me the language, customs, diet, and in general, just ways to assist the bridge our child might face from being there to being here.

Priceless, I know.

My role as a teacher has been interesting. Because I don't really feel it is my place to give her advise on her personal life (re: adoption issues, etc), I have taken on the role of just being an active listener. Honestly, there can be 30 minutes that go by that I don't open my mouth. It has worked out well, though. I just suck in her ET stories like they were more valuable than oxygen. She has taught me to love that country and the plight of the orphan.

Obviously this her-talk/me-listen relationship has served her well, too. Today she told me "Thank you".

"Mrs. P, thank you so much for being a friend to me the last two years. Before I started meeting my ET friends here, I have felt like you have been the only one that I could feel comfortable talking with. You have helped me with things, including helping me realize how important it is to appreciate my opportunities and to be serious with my education"

It took about everything in me to not scramble across the desk to give her a big hug. She is just super cool. So cool, in fact, that she helps me keep this Ethiopian dream alive - and that leaf to keep soaring just a little longer.

Not going to lie...

It's been a tough month. Tough, tough, tough. Like the yuckiest kind of tough. Adoption. It is not for the weak of heart, and my heart is struggling. I am surprised that I have been able to keep it bottled in the way I have; the stress and anxiety that comes with five years of emotional highs and lows, the uncertainty, the elation, and the fears. I have to give myself a big fist bump for keeping my sanity thus far, because now that the floodgates have been opened and I am allowing myself to really think, regroup, and simply FEEL (lending to many shout-outs of "Why the F#@K has this happened to us!?"), I am not sure how I did it. My mental state has pretty much sucked the life out of my family and then spat them back out almost as battered as I feel. Thank God for Scooby Do (the best babysitter cable can buy!) so husband and I can go into the other room to have some of the toughest and most heart wrenching talks that I hope we never have to have again.

Why is NOW the time to freak out? Because of many reasons. Of course, there is the same old news coming around...

changes in ET government, more expected delays, dropping an orphanage, longer wait times between referral and embassy (the process used to be about 3 months between the referral call and bringing your child home, and now it seems to be about 6-10 months), because this time last year the expected wait times for referral were 6-12 months and now it is 18-24 (with the asterisk that "wait times for infant girls may be even longer") and we are only in month 15

...all the things that bury our hopes of bringing our daughter home even deeper - but this is also getting stirred up now because I (we) feel us shifting as a family. Those shifting reasons I will keep to ourselves for the time being, but I will say that it is time to take a hard look at things.

This should be a very interesting few months ahead of us, indeed.

A WACAP friend of mine, Zoe, has a great blog and summed up a lot of how it feels on her post "22". Check it out if you get the chance! http://slowmama.com/

HOWEVER there is a ray of sunshine in these stormy days. The Kid started Kindergarten this week! He is such a big, smart, funny, witty, loving boy. And what did his mom let him do to celebrate his first week in Kinder? She let him watch the big boy Harry Potter movie tonight. And now where is my big boy as I type this? He is sound asleep next to me with about every inch of his skin velcroed to my side with his fist in a death grip on my shirt. He fell asleep whimpering that his minuscule scab on his cheek was burning so does that mean that the bad wizard man is near? Oh, so sorry my little bug. Your Mommy lives and learns. I'll make it up to him tomorrow, but in the meantime, here's some cheers to a happy 13 years of school ahead! :)

Husband

I have dedicated my other blogs to everything including the kitchen sink (literally), so I think it is time that I dedicate a blog entirely to my husband.

Today is his 39 birthday. A wee puppy, he is.

See that picture? Yes, I know. He is a handsome little stud muffin. Hold back, ladies. Control yourselves. He's taken.

We have sort of a funny little love story. Back in 1998, Husband took a hiatus from his SC tennis job to work at a ski resort in Utah. I happened to be taking temporary teaching job in Utah - a brief time nestled between Peace Corps and moving back to Oregon for graduate school. We were set up by his ex girlfriend that he was living with at the time (I'm going to be cruel and just leave you hanging with that one!) and we had a brief 2 month romance. The ski season ended and he flew back to SC and I to OR. Much to his dismay, I felt that it was not the right time in our lives to keep a long distance, so I broke it off. He has finally forgiven me for that. In my defense, we had great fun for that two months, but he made me cry twice. Once was over publicly pointing out a gray hair of mine and the other was for publicly picking on me over my woman's liberation poster. He is not a jerk - rather smoothness was (is) not his strong point. That's okay. I've decided it would be too exhausting if he were perfect, so I have finally forgiven him for that.

Fast forward 2 years and I was cleaning out an old email box when I found his email address. We had not spoken that entire time. I thought, "What the hell? He might want to know I landed in Corvallis and am doing well.", so I sent off a little note. Three months later, he flew out for an amazing weekend. It hit me that after all the toads I had kissed, I was finally with someone that made me feel comfortable just being me, so the following summer I flew to Charleston to spend time with him, and then the year that followed, we flew back and forth while he finished his graduate program. Finally in 2002, he moved to Portland for me. Two years after that, we got hitched and have now made full circle back to Utah. We celebrated our 7 year anniversary last week and it just keeps getting better each year.

Even though we are opposites (ex. He's a sports fanatic and about died the other day when I asked how many goals they had made in a basketball game), we have really meshed into one odd sort of unit.

For all of that, here is this.

These are the reasons why I love my husband very much:

* We can talk about everything and anything, and we accept each other completely - faults and all.

* He is a 'What you see is what you get' kind of guy. There are no games, just all honesty. I trust him completely.

* He is a wonderful father. Really - better than I could have imagined one to be.

* He is really, really good at his job teaching kids. I admire him and he makes me proud to see him in action.

*He lets me sleep in on the weekends.

* We have problems, as I don't believe any marriage is without, but I am SO thankful they are the problems that they are - mostly just around routine and chore stuff that goes hand-in-hand with being a dual working family.

* When we have a problem, we both work really hard at fixing it.

* Our relationship has always strengthened during the hard times in our lives... and we have had our fair share.

* We have the summers off together, and as I know many couples that would strangle each other after that much time together, we thrive. At the end of the summer, I love him more than ever. I just really, really like hanging out with him.

* He has this amazing way of sorting out my thoughts when I can't. He can have this amazing clarity and after I can ramble on and on, he will paraphrase what I said, and then I go, "Ohhh... so that is where I was going with that?"

* He tries hard to make me happy.

* We respect each others feelings. I crumble inside if I know I have said something that hurt him. This is good for me - I like that he keeps me good.

* For what he lacks in the back rub dept, he makes up for with the foot rub.

* Yes, about all he really knows how to do in the kitchen is make a Garden Burger - but damn if it is not a good one!

* We respect each others individuality and make sure to give each other freedom, but at the end of the day, we're happy to come back together.

* I could go on and on with the mushy list, but for sake of time in getting this out on his birthday, I will end on this note. I may not be certain of much, but I know that we will be stuck with... I mean married to...each other forever.

I love you, Babe! Happy birthday!

Seriously? (Part ll)

A sweet friend just read my previous Seriously? post (wow.. maybe someone really does read this silly little blog?) and told me that it can be hard to know what to say, or how to be a support after this long a wait. I reassured her that we don't expect cheerleaders still. I know it is hard to find the energy and words being our friends and family, and we don't expect you to. We are making this choice to fly solo now with this long ride.

However....

If you are searching for the way to show support, our friends back in MA did it perfectly. Shortly after seeing us and just to get it out there, they said, "We follow your blog and know what is going on and realize how hard this must be. We don't really know if you want to talk about it or not, but please know we are thinking about you and are here for you in any way that you might need."

That was perfect (C & J)! Truthfully, there are days that we want to talk a lot about it and days it is just too hard to, but it is nice to know that there is an open invitation to have a supportive conversation.

In addition....

I would like to also to mention that even though this might be coming from a good heart and you are a kind and supportive person, these are the comments that we often get and they are not helpful.

These comments include:
1. (saying absolutely nothing... even after I bring it up)
2. "Well, since you are older and the Kid is older than you anticipated, why can't you just be happy with what you have (meaning one child)?"

It is interesting that these comment always have come from:
1. Friends that chose not to have children
2. Friends who already have their childREN - usually grown.
3. Friends who are very content with their one child.

Now, trust me. We have beaten ourselves up over getting to a place where we wish we could feel happy about wanting just one. In fact, I am very envious of my friends who feel that is perfect for them! If only it could be that easy! But here's the thing - you either feel that or you don't.

I have come across this quote a few times in my life and it is ringing true for me these days.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain


When you are a mom that has an infertility issue, it is amazing how many moms that can be found that were able to have one bio child but no other. It is like we can sniff each other out. If we had envisioned our family with 2+ kids, it is like we've been left in "Limboland" - meaning you think, "Will I really be happy and feel a heart's content with one? Will I not?" Don't get me wrong - we love our son more than life itself and that is not what this is about. This is about that space in our hearts that is meant for another. Honestly, I can think of 20+ moms that I have talked with over the years that despite wanting more than one child, they opted to stay with their only. This was mostly due to fear of the adoption process; they didn't know how to start, financial, the risks, etc. And with the exception of one mom in that 20+ mix, they all say the same thing. "Regret". Their children are older and if they could have turned back time, they would have taken the adoption plunge. I have been in many (somewhat awkward) situations .... at a BBQ, faculty room, grocery store... where this conversation has become very emotional. Obviously, there is pain.

With where I am at today, I am winding up my pitch to throw away the towel. Out of mental need, I have come to a place where I can be Okay with having just one. Let me define this. Okay: not devastated, but not entirely happy. I am also writing this with a literal "I" statement. Husband, on the other hand, will have a much harder time to end this journey at this point, even though he understands the need. We have until January 1st, then we will truly take it as a sign that it was not meant to be. But until then, we are not willing to give up yet. We don't want to live with regret. We're not ready for that just yet.

Seriously?

In all honestly, I am just so damned deflated and discouraged. Can I seriously be starting another school year tomorrow without our child? Really? REALLY? WTF.

My heart aches thinking about where our minds were at three years ago. Three years ago, I remember sitting in the work room with my teacher's aide helping her get on the sub list so she could be my long term sub when we flew off to Taiwan. My heart was giddy with excitement and she was talking baby showers. Didn't happen. The year after, knowing Taiwan was over and starting with ET, I knew we would not get a referral, but thought it would FOR SURE be that summer (last summer). Did not happen. The beginning of last year, I called in a good sub and spent a few hours going through my schedule so that when we left to get our child around last Novemeberish (had little doubt about this), he could be my long term sub. He was excited to take on my job, yet it never happened. Last March, when we were #5 on the list, we were almost relieved saying, "Okay, so now we will FOR SURE be traveling this summer to get her, and it will work out in our favor so that we won't have to take a leave from work". Still.... nothing.

I am starting work tomorrow at the spot #3.5 on the wait list. Ethiopia is now in their two months of court closures, and then there is always that risk that the program will shut it's doors after that (not predicted, but nobody can be certain). We have been stuck at this number for so long, I fear we will rust and be stuck forever. I can't even think about long term subs. Last week my principal stopped me in the hall and asked, yet again, "Will THIS be the year you will take your leave?" I rolled my eyes and told him I am not counting on anything anymore. He is a kind man, so he put his arm on my shoulder and told me it must be tough. My eyes swelled up... in front of my boss.... embarrassing. A parent of one of my students (daughter adopted from Guatemala) stopped by my room in hopes to see a picture of our daughter. Again, she offered up a sympathetic hug and the waterworks started. Pathetic. A teacher friend said, "What?? You are STILL doing that adoption thing?!?! (with a laugh like it was a joke)." Piss off.

We have been beating this adoption dream for so long that the horse is almost dead. Emotionally, I am spent and am even starting to look ahead at the future with our family of three. I would have scoffed back in 2007 with the mention of being a new mom in my 40's. If it was not for Husband who seems to now have the baby itch more than ever (go figure!), I would call it quits now. But, I will hold on just a little longer - still holding steadfast to our January 1st deadline of when we officially call it quits. At that time, we figure it was just not in the cards for us and I am at peace with that.

This last 4.6 years have been amazing watching our son grow, but also the most stressful to imagine. If I think a lot about this, I do get pissed. His childhood has had to be clouded by this state of pending uncertainty and disappointment. Someone once asked me why we would have let ourselves "waste" these sweet years with our son away with that looming stress. Again, seriously? When you long for another child and you start hearing the repeated statement (year after year), "I know the wait has been long, but this time you REALLY are close. The orphanage is full and we expect a flood of referrals soon", how can you give up? How can you give up hope when it comes to your future child? It has just been our crappy luck and we certainly did not sign up for this journey.

If anyone reads this and you know anyone going through an international adoption these days - when everything is in such a flux - give them a hug. They may act like it is okay, but it is not. It is on their mind all the time. It is like the longest at-risk pregnancy one can imagine. Tough stuff.

More summer fun!

It's official. We have been out of town more days than we have been in town this summer! Other then having our new home projects get neglected (though still managed to plant a few trees, build a fence, and build shelves in the garage), we have no regrets. Sadly, school starts up again in a few days, but we are still getting one more camping trip in before that. Those Rocky Mountain wild flowers are just too beautiful to not be up there admiring them! We also have a fun new camping trailer that we plan to wear out.





The boys had hours of fun on our new boat looking for birds and fish.

The two amazing boys in my life. So lucky!


We gave ourselves a two day respite to come home for a lemonade stand. The kids made a whopping $12!

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night.

Nothing like a little Sound of Music diddly while packing up from our Park City "staycation". Doing this again next year is in the definite works as we had a total blast! Many of our friends came to visit, so really this trip turned into a "funcation" for all the little people in our lives. Even though at times it felt exhausting, we would not have changed the last 12 days for anything!

We were nestled down in that little area.

The Kid and his sweet schoolmate and friend, Rosie.

Rosie's little sister, Mae, and her mom, Cori, made a friend with a puppy. We spent about 10 out of the 12 days at the wonderful park across the road from the condo.

The highlight of the trip is when my Besty Beth flew down from Corvallis, OR to visit with her 11 mo old daughter, Luci ("Little Miss Luci Lu").

Luci attacks! She is a quick one, she is. Just a bundle of smart, scrappy, adorable love. We miss her and can't wait until next summer. Maybe we will be bringing her a little friend?

Husband already started her on sharpening her tennis skills.

But I think she wants to just be a model...

...along with my (not-so-camera-shy) son.

Or maybe they will just start their own Olympic luge team? (sorry, but I can't figure out how to turn the picture, so let's just pretend they are on a sharp turn.)

This was the kid thinking about Luci and missing...


...but then remembered when she pulled his hair!

The boys had their first mountain coaster experience. The poor kid was terrified going up, but then was all smiles on the way down. I, on the the hand, had the opposite experience!


We had some fun visits from the Kid's best buds Grayson and little bro Dillion. Their favorite past time was having Husband blast off rockets. These things would go up so high, we lost sight of them!


Break time for a pizza picnic on the large, grassy area outside our condo. Bonus!

Another bonus was having a pool. The Kid learned how to swim!

Can there be a triple bonus to our staycation, you ask? Oh yes there can! Free bucket rides down the mountain. Hard to tell, but we are going about 40 mph at about 100 ft in the air (Uncle Farukah hitched a ride!)

The last night was the icing on the cake as we went to a free concert on the hill and ran into his friend (crush) Freya! He was the guitarist and she the background dancer...

.. and then they ran off into the sunset together (until at the end of the jaunt when the Kid smashed into a bunch of people and had to go home early to bed. Guess all good things have to come to en end).

I wish I had pictures, but will brag anyway. The men in our lives did a road bike race yesterday. My Step dad (Kenny) took 1st in his age category, friend Ben took 4th, and Husband took 5th! The one that really kicked all of their butts was Uncle Farukah, but he had to drop down his miles (from 100) due to a pesky hamstring. :( Regardless, you all ROCK! In all, a WONDERFUL trip! I know I have many far away friends that will read this, so maybe this will inspire more visitors for next summer?! (hint-hint)

Staycation!

What does our family do that has the summer off together, likes to maintain a perfect blend of relaxation and activity - though not want to continuously spend a fortune for air travel, gas, lodging, and hiring people to take care of the lawn and pet?

We take a STAYCATION!

We are having a most delightful vacation 25 minutes from our home in the town of Park City. Rents are super cheap during the summer in this resort town - home of world class skiing and the Sundance Film Festival. We rented a condo for one month with two other families. Splitting it up, we have ended up paying just over $30 a night for our 12 night stint. Best yet, taking a trip down to the valley to check on the home/pet every few days feels perfectly doable.

What do you get for $30 a night in Park City in the summer? You get a fully stocked 3 bedroom/2 bath condo with a loft, two pools/hot tubs and 4 new tennis courts within a stone's throw from our front door, and property that backs up to an amazing view of The Canyon's ski slopes. As if this could not get better, it does. We have a large lawn out the back door (perfect for a mean game of baseball) and biking/hiking trails leading off the property. Walking up a trail for 10 minutes, we can catch one of the many free nightly concerts or hop on a free gondola to take us down the mountain where there is a farmer's market on Wednesdays and a free shuttle to shopping, outlets, and old town. Not only are there concerts and markets where we are at, there is a good chance that there is a concert and/or market going on somewhere in town at any given time. And let's not forget the children's parks. GORGEOUS! One could eat off the floor in the bathrooms. Seriously.

We agreed today that a good different to a staycation is that we don't feel pressured to do a lot of stuff. If we were to have traveled to an area far and new, we would feel like we would have to get out, spend money, and see new things every day. Here we can either do that, or just spend days on end at the pool guilt free. Nothing lost, but a lot to gain; much needed stress free RELAXATION!

Because our poor son is just "so bored with hanging with just his old parents all the time", we sent out a ton of emails to our friends with an open invitation to come on up. On our first day here, we got what we asked for and were thrilled with the outcome! My friend, Cori, and her two kids came up to swim and hike. They were having so much fun, we ended up picking some toothbrushes and had an impromptu sleepover! The Kid and his little friend, Rosie, had their first sleep over in the loft. They giggled themselves to sleep while the adults had a rare opportunity to drink a glass (or two) of wine on the porch and reminisce of life before kids ... and our plans after the kids flee the nest (tee-hee).

The most important outcome of our staycation surely will be what is happening right now. As I am up in the loft writing this post, I hear my husband and son downstairs playing checkers and talking about what to go and pick up at the store for the makings of great breakfast in the morning and then their plan for us to either go biking or kayaking after that - ending the day at the pool to practice the Kid's new back floating skills. When I am done writing this, I will continue reading reviews to decide what my next cheesy poolside romance read will be. I might then even slip away to swim a few laps before bed. Even though we have this time together at home, this summer has proven too easy to take on ambitious home projects - like painting, building a fence, landscaping, etc. Exhausting! We don't have that here... just minutes away. Our only ambitious project is some serious family time! WOOHOO!
(warning: photo overload to come)

Because I know many of you will want this shirt...

....here you go! Mini Fine "Sesame Street - I Love my Hair!" shirt.

Mini Fine "Sesame Street-I Love My Hair!" Toddler & Big Girl T-Shirt - Kitsel

An amazing read...

If you want to read a blog that will undoubtedly move you, inspire you to reach out, and make you analyze the small things we sweat and appreciate the good things we have - then read this blog.
http://drhail.wordpress.com/
It is written by an OB/GYN as she does a 2 year medical mission in Ethiopia. An amazing woman, indeed.

Big unhappy face... Boo HGTV!

Here's the news from HGTV..... no deal. :(

In the last 2.5 months the crew flew in to see our house, hours talking to producers, wrote a "script" together, filming contracts signed, many "we are excited to work with you", and "your house is just what we want", and when they were at our house, they were like, "We canceled the other houses to scout because we know what we are looking for". Blah blah blah.

Then we get this simple 3 sentence email tonight saying that it was fun working with us, but they are unfortunately not going with our house, but have a nice summer, anyway! DRATS! BOO!

Well now that it is done deal, I can finally get this out: "Guess what, HGTV? We think your show SUCKS anyway (HGTV'd)! We have had a hard time getting ourselves to even watch it and were just hoping you would come before it gets canceled, so TAKE THAT! HA!" (Whew - that felt good!)

Getting our house done for HGTV was really too good to be true and such a wacky, out-of-the box thing to happen to us, and we should feel lucky to have gotten this far, but still, I believe we were led on by them. I felt confident that we were getting picked by things that were said and we have been planning our summer around the filming date at the end of this month, so it is a massive disappointment.

I was already boo-hooing earlier this evening because not only am I going back to a full time teaching contract next month (when I had been counting on a half time - but it was cut), I am going back with a double load (they consolidated two positions into one). The biggest bitch is that we don't have our daughter - the daughter we had hoped to have in our home three years ago.

This HGTV thing was really more about getting a free re-do. It was a distraction from thinking about our reality. It was shedding a bit of hope, inspiration, and that magic of "dreams really do come true" into my life. Many people would be shoveling anti-depressants and/or doughnuts into their mouths by the fist full to repress the feelings associated with what we have been up against (adoption, job woes, etc), but I had this.

I know we have it good. I really do and we make sure to take time each day to reflect on these things together as a family. We are happy, healthy, have a great son, have wonderful friends, have jobs, have opportunities, have our summers off together as a family to share in fun adventures, and have a great new (bland) house. Still.... we have had our fair share of disappointments the last few years that seem to stem around waiting and holding our breath for something good to happen. And it is just not happening.

Needless to say, we would welcome some good news for a change.

The "Cousers"

What's a "Couser" you ask? It is a new word that the Kid and I invent to label the sweet relationship between he and his cousin. He told me that they secretly pretended that they were brother and sister (cousin + sister/brother = Couser) the last few weeks... that is until they decided to get married (oh my!). They get along marvelously, and from the minute they wake up until they hug each other good-night, our world is filled with the pitter-patter of running feet on wood floors and silly giggles.

These two little rascals could not live farther apart (us on the west coast and them in New Zealand), but we manage to get them together at Grammy's house in Massachusetts for an extended time each summer. Each time they see each other again, they pick up on activity like not a minute has passed. And speaking of activity - we did not lack in that department! There were numerous trips to the lake to practice swimming skills and to dazzle the beach dwellers with our sand castles, train into Boston, two different children museums, put-put golf, a hike, the Cape ("Yo Cappello!"), playful times with cool uncle Steve and Aunt Lindsey, a toy wood shop, nightly dance performances and art shows, parks, and best yet - just hanging out in Grammy's backyard.


This is my favorite photo of the two of them as it caputures their personalities perfectly. The best way I can define their relationship is symbiotic. They both have strengths and weaknesses that each one seems to identify with each other and then uses them to enhance their own selves. It's beautiful to watch, really.

Mini updates...

1. Adoption: There was one infant girl referral last week, which now puts us at #2, or #5, or #3, or #4 on the referral list, depending on how you look at it.

2. HGTV: Even though we were told we were going to hear back by last weekend, we still have not heard if we are officially picked, but here is how a very strange phone call went yesterday from one of the producers:

Producer: "Hi (used my name)! Since your husband (used his name) is a property manager, we were hoping he could refer some good plumbers and electricians to use since we like to support local businesses."

Me: "Ummm... he is not a property manager, he's a teacher."

Producer: "Are you sure?

Me: "Yeah, pretty confident with that one."

Producer: "Oh, I guess I got some incorrect information."

Me: "You know, we have not been told if we have been picked yet...."

(Long silent pause that really spoke volumes of "Oh, shit")

Producer: "Well, I am not the one that tells you this, so I will tell that person to call you right away. Bye!"

**click**

So, where does that leave us? He knew our names, so either we are picked and he just messed up on Husband's career and they are in planning mode - though failed to tell us, OR they meant to call the contending household, whose husband is the property manager, but got the names messed up on the call list. Regardless, there was not the call right back, so we continue to sit on the edge of our seats!

Gettin' my craft on!

This is just all part of rediscovering myself. The last several years was about building a relationship with my husband, having a child, raising a child, relocating, graduate school, gaining confidence in my career, putting our lives on hold waiting for referral. That was good and interesting times, but now we are in our new home that we want to establish roots in. I am in a job I want to stick with. These are new beginnings. It is time to now pull back the reigns and focus on the two most important things in my life; my family and myself. My crummy back will always be just that - which makes life different, but does not have to be bad. Our adoption is delayed, but that can be okay. This is just part of my journey to getting there - to finding new interests and hobbies to make life fun and interesting!

And what is part of that journey? Well, I'm getting my craft on, baby! My crafting endeavours are currently all over the spectrum and definitely not polished, but I am experimenting to find my niche.

Back in March, I attempted my first painting...


...and started felting. In my early twenties while living in Portland, my good friend and former roommate, Terri, was/is a very talented seamstress. Our house was full of scraps of fleece flying about (we would go and sell her creations at Grateful Dead shows), and I would collect those scraps for little projects such as these. It's been fun rekindling this hobby again, and since I obviously don't have my girl yet, there are some pretty psyched little girl friends in our lives right now! I'm digging my Eric Carle headband and thinking I might have to get a story theme going.