Three whole days!

For the first time since July of 2004, I am getting a day to myself. And just when I thought it does not get any better than that, I does. I get THREE whole days! Husband took The Kid to Colorado (with SIL and her kid) sans Me. We initially planned this so that I could busily get the house ready to put on the market on the return from our whirlwind 3 week country tour (CO, MA, ME). The plane ticket was bought to meet them in Colorado before we decided to nix the market plans, so darn it, guess I was just stuck in this situation!

Don't get me wrong. I love Husband and The Kid (tremendously - like sometimes it hurts, even) and I do miss them, but at the same time, Husband plows through life at warp speed and The Kid is definitely his father's child, and I am a hard working, full time worker/wife/mom, so I have plans to take full advantage of this "me" time. It's been 6 years (and a really nutty last 6 months) since I have literally had a day to myself, so I was happy to take a moment to fall into my old mellow habits. You see, I flew solo from age 18 to 31. Even though I accomplished a lot of activity during those years, I would occasionally hit the brakes and have a day like I had yesterday.

This is how it played out: I woke up, drank coffee, and read the newspaper and smut magazines (People rocks!) in bed while watching the Today Show. Around 12:00, I decided to saunter downstairs and head directly to the couch (grabbing the chips on the way), and watched a movie. And just when I thought it would not get better than that, it did. I watched THREE! It was those kinds of movies that makes Husband grab his stomach and roll around on the ground like a dying wart hog and The Kid to immediately start debating why Super Why needs to be the much better viewing option. Yesterday I had none of that nonsense. I watched Marie Antoinette, Victoria (as in the Queen), and an artsy Sundance film whose name has slipped my mind. I did all of this in my blissful solitude. Today was much more stressful as I fit in some shopping first, but then quickly returned home so that I could nose dive back into my couch to watch a Woody Allen film (and a sheepish confession that I fit in another artsy flick after that). Alas, tomorrow I will resume my domestic duties in the A.M. for cleaning, but will be rewarding myself by a P.M. massage and pedi.

Honestly, as far as cheap getaways, my "doing absolutely nothing" vacation is rating at the top of my charts right now!

Feelin' groovy

There is a variety of things to learn and love about Ethiopia, but their music is the least expected surprise! No thanks to I-tunes (sorry for the shocking Visa charge, Babe), I have spent far too many hours exploring a multitude of eclectic musical samples. Here's some of my favorites thus far:

Augustas Pablo - If you like dub Reggae - you'll be salivating over this guy!

Gigi - She has an amazing voice. I'm drawn to her Illuminated Audio recording which will coincide nicely with my Zen journey (see next post).

Mulatu Astatke - This is a nice blend of funky electronica jazz. Yes... jazz! Those cool cat Ethiopians have a strong musical history in this genera. Go figure!

Zenfulness

My good friend, Jonah, lent me this book a few weeks ago. I had taken an inopportune time to boo-hoo her my story regarding the fact that just a few hours before our swimming playdate, I had nearly snapped the steering wheel in half, taught The Kid 10 new swear words - all the while my eyes bulged out of socket and head spun around a few times. He had relentlessly questioned me as to why Chucky Cheese has "Cheese" for his last name. This took place during a 100 degree, 30 minute bumper-to-bumper traffic jam. "Oh no, mom, Cheese cannot be a real last name. TELL ME THE TRUTH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!" Of course, while taking a break from retelling Jonah the story to wipe my snots, I had to also go into how guilty I felt about being that kind of terrible mother that occasionally blows her top. This then carried over to stating every adoption fear known to mankind, the fact that I am getting older by the minute, my negative body image (was wearing a swimsuit during my sobfest... baaaad timing), thinking I can actually feel gray hairs growing out of my head, wrinkles, stained teeth, why does Coke Zero have to taste so good, how do those Peppermint Patty's manage to sneak into my mouth each day, the infamous Utah inversion, who killed the electric car anyway (?), global warming in general, why I can't seem to keep a plant alive, bad people, the economy, death, and blahdy-blahdy-blah (okay, so maybe I only verbalized a few of these thoughts - but surely you are getting the drift as to where my mind was at). She listened like a good friend does and then responded by telling me that I had to get this book from her ASAP. After reading the first few chapters, I found myself on the computer ordering a keeper for myself and even a few extra for friends. This book has invaluable reminders of how to step back from the turmoils of life - rambunctious kid, students who would rather stab me with their pens then write a paragraph (actually, they have attempted), and the trials of adoption - and calming myself by finding that inner peace through reflection. I have tried a few suggestions from the book and am pleased with the results. I think those Buddhists are on to something!

Never any guarantees

Last night I went to bed with such optimism and this morning I woke to dread. I have just had yet another reminder that there is never any guarantees when it comes to international adoption.

When we got our LID (logged in date for referral) back in May, we were quoted 8-10 months until referral. Last night we were revelling in the fact that we already have 2 months behind our belt! They have since taken on a new orphanage, so referrals seemed to be coming faster the last few months, which was getting our hopes up that it would be closer to 8 months - or even sooner. This morning on our WACAP adoption board, rumors are that it will be 12-18 months for an infant girl referral. Oh.... deflation. We will all be another year older. When we started adoption, we thought 1 year, and now it will be closer to 4. My patients are running thin, to state it lightly (because this morning I was stomping around the house wanting to pull every single hair out of my FREAKING HEAD!).

I am now trying to take some deep breaths to prevent a panic attack because I am realizing that this could be just a rumor based off of someone's misinformation. Or, I think there was a bunch of people that got LID after us and maybe that is what they are getting told now. I am forcing myself to look at the golden lining of this news. If it is another year, then we will have more savings, could move into a bigger house by then, and since our travel dates would then have more of a chance of happening over the summer, we could all go to ET (The Kid included) and stay the duration of the adoption process. Now, that is an exciting thought!
Here's the process:
1. Get referral
2. Wait a few weeks for court appointment in ET
3. Travel very shortly after that (1-2 weeks)
4. Have the court appointment where the adoption will become finalized (we will be legal parents)
5. Wait about 5 weeks for paperwork (visas, etc) to be processed. During this time, we would fly back home without her. :(
6. Fly back to pick her up then head back home again. Based on our current budget, I might only be able to fly to pick her up, though Husband and I would both need to go for the court hearing.

Update: Later that day, I did hear that for us they are still estimating the 8-10 month wait for referral, though for the wave of families LID after us (I knew there was a reason to get that paperwork together at lightening speed!), it is 12-14 months. I am keeping this post so that I can look back and remind myself that there are no guarantees and that I should not start to get my hopes up for a speedier referral (like I was this last week - thinking 6 months), but prepare for the longer one (more like 10 months). Ten months would make a referral around March - which would be perfect in that my maternity leave will be over summer break. This is a good thing because then I won't have to go without pay for the leave and I can start back with my .5 schedule the following year.

Ethiopia on my mind!

I would now love to dedicate this post to the reasons why we love the idea of adopting from Ethiopia! Many people have said things such as :

"It is wonderful of you to save a child from those conditions"
or
"God's plan is for you to find your child in Ethiopia"

We don't feel any of these above statements are true. The truth is is that we have sought her and believe that she is "saving" us by completing our family almost more than we are saving her. We have a huge space in our hearts to be filled. We are simply looking to connect with and to love a person.

But I do feel that, in a way (call it fate or whatever), we have turned our "unfortunate" situation of infertility to an opportunity of giving an already born child an extraordinary life; an opportunity that they may not have had otherwise. I quoted unfortunate because I do feel it unfortunate that I've had my ability to be able to choose to get pregnant taken from me at a young age, but at the same time, we have always had a feeling that things are happening for a reason and we have contentment and peace in that we now have no other choice but to adopt. We will now have a "fortunate" for everyone involved.

For most children, being a child in ET is not easy. Double that statement if you are a female.

Here's a few facts (cited from plannedparenthood.org):

Economic Status		Source
Rank of development (2008)	105th out of 109 on UNDP Human Poverty Index	Human Development Report
Per capita income (2008)	$280	World Bank
Population subsisting below $2/day (2007)	Close to 78%	Human Development Report
Population below basic needs poverty line (2006)	38%	CIA: World Factbook
Population subsisting food insecure (2005)	Over 50%	World Bank
Population affected by 2003 drought (2005)	14 million	World Bank
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Reproductive Health		Source
Average births per woman (2008)	5.24	UNFPA
Average number of children, rural areas (2005)	6.4	World Bank
Females giving birth before age 18 (2005)	24%	UNFPA
Females using contraceptives 15-49 (2006)	14.7%	UNFPA
Males using contraceptives 15-49 (2004)	17%	World Bank
Rural population using modern contraceptives (2004)	4%	World Bank
Women approving family planning (2005)	60%	World Bank
Husbands approving family planning (2005)	34%	World Bank
Adults wanting family planning services to space or limit childbearing, if available (2001)	Over 45%	Central Statistical Authority and ORC Macro, in Haile
Women with access to prenatal care, in 2000 (2007)	28%	UNICEF
Births attended by skilled personnel, from 1996-2004 (2007)	6%	UNICEF
Births in health facilities (2005)	5%	World Bank
Deaths during childbirth (2006)	850 per 100,00 live births	World Health Organization
Deaths from pregnancy-related causes (2000)	1 in 14 women	World Health Organization, in Haile
Deaths from pregnancy- and abortion-related causes (2006)	1 in 7 women	Population Action International
Deaths from unsafe abortions (2004)	90 per 100,000 live births	World Health Organization
Percentage of females seeking abortions who are under age 18	Over 50%	PPGG
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Primary Health		Source
Population with use of adequate sanitation facilities (2007)	13%	World Bank
Rural population with use of adequate sanitation facilities, in 2002 (2006)	4%	UNICEF
Population with use of improved drinking water sources, rural (2009)	12%	World Bank
Population with access to public health facilities (2006)	61.3%	USAID
Population more than 10 km (6 miles) from nearest health facility (2006)	Over 50%	World Health Organization
Physicians per 100,000 people (2008)	3	World Health Organization
Population moderately to severely underweight (2009)	33%	UNICEF
Population stunted (2006)	47%	World Health Organization
Population at-risk for malaria (2006)	3.1 million	World Health Organization
Women dying from tuberculosis (2006)	96 per 100,000	World Health Organization
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HIV/AIDS		Source
Country rank of HIV infections in sub-Saharan Africa (2005)	5th	World Bank
Percentage of HIV/AIDS cases in the world (2005)	7%	World Bank
Overall HIV prevalence, adults 15-49, in 2003 (2006)	4.4% of population, or 3 million people	World Health Organization
Adults infected weekly (2006)	5,000	World Health Organization
Age group with highest rate of infection	15-24 years; female prevalence 3 times greater than among males	USAID in PPGG Fact Sheet
Women living with HIV, 15-49, per 1,000 (2009)	770,000	UNAIDS
Mother-to-child HIV transmission	2nd highest number of new infections per year	USAID in PPGG Fact Sheet
Children living with AIDS (2009)	230,000	UNAIDS
Children orphaned by AIDS, estimate (2009)	989,000	UNICEF
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FGM		Source
Women aged 15-49 with FGM (2007)	80%	Population Reference Bureau
Girls undergoing FGM	62%	Population Reference Bureau
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Women's Status		Source
Women marrying before age 18	57%	National Committee of Traditional Practices of Ethiopia
Women experiencing rape, in total population (2007)	25%	World Bank
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Children's Status		Source
Newborns dying before age 1 (2006)	1 in 7.7	UNICEF
Children dying before age 5, often from preventable diseases, from 1995-2000 (2005)	1 in 6	World Bank
Main causes of early childhood deaths (2008)	Diarrhea and pneumonia	World Bank
Orphans, 2003 estimate (2006)	4 million	UNICEF
Children under age 5 stunted from lack of nutrition (2006)	Over 50%	USAID
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Education		Source
Literacy, adults (2009)	43%	US State Department
Literacy, women (2007)	35%	CIA World Factbook
Primary school attendance, females (2006)	55%	Ethiopian Economic Association, in Haile and UNESCO
Primary school attendance, males (2006)	75%	Ethiopian Economic Association, in Haile and UNESCO
High school attendance, females (2006)	25%	Ethiopian Economic Association, in Haile and UNESCO
High school attendance, males (2006)	42%	Ethiopian Economic Association, in Haile and UNESCO




International Adoption (the good, bad, and the ugly)

One day, I predict our daughter might ask this question - “Why did you adopt me and why did my birth family give me away to a family in a different country?” Before we committed to adoption, I felt that I (we) needed to be able to answer this question with confidence and honesty. It has been a process (and surely will continue) in how we will respond.

I have many mixed emotions about adopting internationally, but I do think that it can be a great thing if there is truly a need to find children families and all steps are taken to complete an adoption in an ethical manner. Sadly, I believe that there are more agencies out there (than not) that do not follow ethical guidelines, which then contributes to a cycle of profitable corruption and child trafficking. I am sure many of you have heard/seen publicized cases televised the last few years (ex. Fly Away Children) where agencies are profiled as luring villagers to adopt out their children, false promises made to birth families that their children will only leave to a foster type family temporarily, or taking a lump sum from an unsuspecting U.S family only to give them a child that does not match the description they were promised (disabilities, major age differences, etc). This makes me crazy as it is these dishonest agencies that are giving a bad wrap to international adoption and causing scrutiny from the Hague and other government officials. Don't get me wrong - agencies do need to be scrutinized and set to the highest standards in order to weed out the bad ones, but at the same time, if it ends up causing major delays or even country closures (as it has already - such as Vietnam) as a result of these agency practices, then it is ultimately the orphaned kids that will suffer.

(I also think that this is happening here in the good ol' U.S.A, but that is a whole other topic of debate!)

If there is anything that I have learned from our experience is to research, research, and then research some more! If there’s even a tiny red flag that indicates an organization is not practicing on the ethical up & up, then stay clear! Even though things are slowly improving, there is still a long way to go into the monitoring of international adoption agencies and the discouragement of families that patronize them.

I truly wish that there were not a need for adoption. One organization that I admire and respect, UNICEF, seems to also feels this way and more often than not, is in argument against international adoption. I can see their point to an extent. They (along with other critics) essentially want to end the process of giving away children for profit (trafficking) and rather build upon a country’s infrastructure so that there is not the need to give up their children in the first place. I think that this is a wonderful concept, though I feel is overly lofty and optimistic in thinking that this is a quick and easy fix. Do I wish that grassroots to major political influences could start a feasible socioeconomic plan so that countries could be self sustaining enough that they do not have to (or want to) depend on the foreign dollar that is gained through adoption? Absolutely! If I could wave my magic wand to make that change happen now (even at the sacrifice of us gaining a daughter) then I would. But it won’t happen now. In the meantime, hundreds of babies will be born and destined to be orphaned tomorrow, and the next, and the next…. until things can really change in this broken system.

With this said, I (we) can only feel right about going forward with our international adoption with the knowledge we have acquired through our research. There are only about 5 countries I feel has both a legitimate need for adoption and that have good agencies established for the adoptions (surely there are more, but these are all that I narrowed down to), and Ethiopia is one of them. Out of the numerous adoption agencies working with Ethiopia, World Association for Children and Parents (WACAP) is only one of four that I would chose to work with because of their ethical practices and outstanding track record. They are a non-profit committed to directing their money collected by adoption fees to make the system better in ET – as in preventing adoption by keeping children with families in country. They have a child sponsorship program as well, which I will most likely talk at length about later.

Check them out! http://www.wacap.org/

Why the blog?

Once upon a time, I was a great mom with my ability to keep up with The Kid's website which has now crumbled like the ancient ruins. Even though it was good times, I feel that it is time to close that chapter as we are in the works of opening a new one. We are in process of adopting a child from Ethiopia, so the purpose of this blog is to talk about the adoption process all the while still keeping up with the antics of my zanny kid (and my dear Husband, or course!). Hopefully within 6-10 months, we will have have our daughter/sister home so that this this blog can be dedicated to my amazing two little birds and our one crazy family!

I am still on the fence as to revealing actual names on this website. Since I have poured my time over various other blogs from ET adopting families, I am now seeing just how public our lives can be. I'm a little too late on the public domain name of our website, but for the time being, first names will remain private. They are as follows: Myself (Me, I, or Mom), Husband, and The Kid. The name creativity is genius, I know.

And please, I love to write, but don't claim to be any good at it, so don't judge me on my grammatical skills - or lack there of. Heck, was learned in Utah, so cut me some freakin' slack for gosh sake! Ever see the Far Side cartoon with the caption "Midvale Middle School" and a kid is pushing on the door that says pull? Well, that actual school was within minutes of mine. Yes... our area's claim to fame.

"What the.....? (part l)

“Why are you adopting, anyhow?”

I am guessing the majority of you reading this already know our story, but for those few that may not, here’s the brief:

Difficulty getting pregnant, but…

Got pregnant.

Able to stay pregnant, though…

Freakishly scary pregnancy (understatement).

Fibroids really suck and…

They turned my uterus into a war zone.

The Kid valiantly conquered the elements until…

Week number 34.

Our sweet little 3.14 pounds victor emerged to make our world a lovely chaos and….

My defeated uterus came out shortly after.

Now, back to the question. Why adoption? Why not just be happy with your one little ultra fabulous tornado? The best way to answer this is to say that is that we are following our hearts and listening to our intuition. Plain and simple. When Husband and I first even murmured the word “family” it meant a mom, a dad, and two kids. When we suspected we might have difficulty getting pregnant, adoption was just mentioned. While pregnant and dealing with my pregnancy issues, the word “adoption” was being considered. One day Husband and I escaped from the NICU (where The Kid lived his first month) to take a little 1:1 time and…… (oh, you fate believers are going to love this!)…… we went to an Ethiopian restaurant where we had our first real and honest conversation regarding adoption. Four and a half years later it has been anything but a smooth adoption journey, but despite the bumps, our hearts remain unwavering. Sure, we have tried to convince ourselves along the way that our family could be complete with three, but that reality lasts about 5 seconds.

“But what about your Taiwan adoption?”

After taking off our rose colored glasses that we wore for over two years, we realized that our agency was anything but transparent. Little red flags were waving throughout that we did no recognize. Last October, I finally paid attention to that nagging pit in my stomach (literally… Courtney can attest!) and I started to become an obsessive researcher of international adoption. We eventually pulled out of the Taiwan program, pulled up our boot straps, kissed our losses good-bye, made a choice not to wallow in the past and rather revel in the future, and started walking toward Ethiopia.

“Why not adopt a cute little blond hair, blue eyed baby from Utah?”

I have stewed over how to answer this question (this exact question has been asked many times!) as I fear I will offend, alarm, or cause debate to any of our friends that might read this that have had (or will have) successful domestic adoption experiences, but surely they know, if anyone, that adoption is an extremely personal experience. It is one that is made based on one’s limitations, beliefs, spirituality, tolerances, and capabilities. I also don’t want to claim that I know all there is about domestic adoption, but I (we) did look into it at length and felt that it was not meant for us. Let me just start to say that those who adopt through the foster system are earthly saints. We are not two of them, so we didn't give that idea much thought. We could not wrap our minds around the concept of an open adoption (most are these days) and setting ourselves up for possible heartaches from a birth mom rejection and/or failed adoption. Our state has very loose and sketchy adoption laws that we feel uneasy about. Beyond that, there was a time not long ago that international adoption was the costlier of the two, but those days are no longer. We were getting quotes between 25 – 50k. Seriously. Seriously? Yes! That does not include the medical and possible living expenses for 3^rd trimester. I think that is just wrong on many levels for adopting a child within our own country. I had a great conversation with a relative and retired social worker (formerly worked with adoptions and an adoptive mom herself). She said that there are hundreds of families readily waiting to adopt each domestic baby born, but there are hundreds of foreign orphans (make that millions) waiting for that one family. That statement spoke to us and ended our domestic pursuits.

(Oh, and by the way, unless we want to risk the possibility of waiting years for a referral for that blond haired, blue eyed cutie, there is about an 85% likelihood of adopting an African American cutie here in our area.)

"What the.....? (part ll)

Disclaimer! I will often write “I” instead of “we” because I am the crazy-chronic-researcher and Husband is the level headed researcher-taker-inner and I write from my perspective; however, I’ve always presented all info to Husband and we've mutually come to agreement!

Why Ethiopia?

We were focused on an Asian country initially because that was all we knew. Moving down from Portland a few years back, it was very common to see families with adopted children from an Asian country. I (we) did not feel a particular affinity for Taiwan, but it felt more or less a norm for internationally adoption, so that's what we went with.

Fast forward 2 years and knowing that our adoption was dissolving, I started seriously researching new countries to adopt from. I can now say with an honest heart that I began to have hesitation with our Taiwan adoption even before the agency red flags. Taiwan is a country that has steadily emerged from a 3^rd world and have recently implemented a functional intercountry foster care and adoption program so that they can place their own kids within country. I might blog at another time about my feelings of the pros and cons of international adoption, but for the sake of this topic, I can tell you that the reasons for adopting (touching upon it above) from Taiwan was starting to weigh more within the “cons” category.

I obsessively started researching countries that I felt had a valid need to adopt their orphans. This was happening during the Haiti disaster. With all of the talk of the orphans that needed adopting (or were in process) from there, Husband and I started discussing how it would be for us to adopt an African American child. It was a different mind set than Asia, so it was hard to imagine initially. We sat on the idea for a few weeks and I contacted friends (and friends of friends!) that had adopted black children in our state. Let's face it, Utah is a very white state, so even though we knew were could love a white, brown, black, red, purple, or green child equally the same, we knew that there were valid questions to be addressed. Did they feel discrimination as a family? Did their children feel accepted? I was surprised to hear that they have all had good experiences and they all said that they feel that this is actually a great place for a blended family because Utah is so family oriented and adoption is very proactive here. Since then, it is hard not to go to a festival – or even the mall – and not see a blended family! Since it is so difficult to adopt from China now and many Asian countries have closed their adoptions, it is predicted that African adoptions will soon be the norm.

Unfortunately, Haiti continued to remain closed, so we (sadly) dismissed that idea. We were actually looking closely at Nepal or adopting correctable special needs from India or China, but Nepal was (is) having major changes in their ministry which means many road blocks with adoptions, and a special needs adoption from India/ China was not feeling right for us, either. Africa still had never crossed my (our) mind, but within a few weeks, 3 different people planted the seed by mentioning adopting from there. Our dear fiends also went there for a job assignment for the U.N. during this time - resulting in The Kid's peeked interested in Africa (meaning we were talking about it a lot!). One day I stayed home from work when The Kid was ill and I stuck him in front of multiple movies so I could again commit to hours of research. In all seriousness (really!), he came up to me mid morning and said, “I want a sister this color” and handed me a brown People Colors Crayola Crayon. It was probably because he was just watching a show portraying African American children and I had told him earlier that I was researching adoption, but none-the-less, I decided that this might be a sign so I pulled up Ethiopia adoption.

No kidding – after about 15 minutes of researching – I was almost practically sold. After ½ the day, I was already falling in love with the people and the country. Even though I found Taiwan interesting, I never felt as moved by the country and the plight of its children as I already felt in that first day of researching Ethiopia (ET). I was practically shaking when my dear Husband came home and I thought he might fall over when I announced that I think we should seriously consider ET. We then talked about it, read up, and finally taped a list with the pros/cons of our few top contender countries to the fridge. We decided to reflect upon it personally for 2 days. When we talked again, I knew ET was my #1, so when Husband announced first that ET was also his choice, it was a done deal! After another month of mind-boggling agency research, we picked our agency (World Association for Parents and Children) and the madness began!

What about HIV? Aren’t you scared of adopting a sick child?

Sure, it is scary! But we feel confident in the fact that they are administered the best HIV screenings and it has not been officially documented that a child has been adopted out of ET with a false negative screening. There are always other communicable diseases and malnutrition to worry about, but Husband and I have discussed all the possible outcomes and feel that nothing can come our way that we don’t feel we can’t handle. If I could still get pregnant, we almost feel there would be equally as many “what-ifs” with a pregnancy at my age. We have a small advantage in that we are adopting an infant, so the chances of them contracting a communicable disease (or even suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder) or having more major, long term effects from malnutrition, is more minimal than if we were to adopt an older child. When we get our referral, we will get all medical information on that child (including blood work, developmental reviews, etc) and have an international medical specialist lined up from our local Children’s Hospital to review her file with us before we accept her referral.