Seriously?

In all honestly, I am just so damned deflated and discouraged. Can I seriously be starting another school year tomorrow without our child? Really? REALLY? WTF.

My heart aches thinking about where our minds were at three years ago. Three years ago, I remember sitting in the work room with my teacher's aide helping her get on the sub list so she could be my long term sub when we flew off to Taiwan. My heart was giddy with excitement and she was talking baby showers. Didn't happen. The year after, knowing Taiwan was over and starting with ET, I knew we would not get a referral, but thought it would FOR SURE be that summer (last summer). Did not happen. The beginning of last year, I called in a good sub and spent a few hours going through my schedule so that when we left to get our child around last Novemeberish (had little doubt about this), he could be my long term sub. He was excited to take on my job, yet it never happened. Last March, when we were #5 on the list, we were almost relieved saying, "Okay, so now we will FOR SURE be traveling this summer to get her, and it will work out in our favor so that we won't have to take a leave from work". Still.... nothing.

I am starting work tomorrow at the spot #3.5 on the wait list. Ethiopia is now in their two months of court closures, and then there is always that risk that the program will shut it's doors after that (not predicted, but nobody can be certain). We have been stuck at this number for so long, I fear we will rust and be stuck forever. I can't even think about long term subs. Last week my principal stopped me in the hall and asked, yet again, "Will THIS be the year you will take your leave?" I rolled my eyes and told him I am not counting on anything anymore. He is a kind man, so he put his arm on my shoulder and told me it must be tough. My eyes swelled up... in front of my boss.... embarrassing. A parent of one of my students (daughter adopted from Guatemala) stopped by my room in hopes to see a picture of our daughter. Again, she offered up a sympathetic hug and the waterworks started. Pathetic. A teacher friend said, "What?? You are STILL doing that adoption thing?!?! (with a laugh like it was a joke)." Piss off.

We have been beating this adoption dream for so long that the horse is almost dead. Emotionally, I am spent and am even starting to look ahead at the future with our family of three. I would have scoffed back in 2007 with the mention of being a new mom in my 40's. If it was not for Husband who seems to now have the baby itch more than ever (go figure!), I would call it quits now. But, I will hold on just a little longer - still holding steadfast to our January 1st deadline of when we officially call it quits. At that time, we figure it was just not in the cards for us and I am at peace with that.

This last 4.6 years have been amazing watching our son grow, but also the most stressful to imagine. If I think a lot about this, I do get pissed. His childhood has had to be clouded by this state of pending uncertainty and disappointment. Someone once asked me why we would have let ourselves "waste" these sweet years with our son away with that looming stress. Again, seriously? When you long for another child and you start hearing the repeated statement (year after year), "I know the wait has been long, but this time you REALLY are close. The orphanage is full and we expect a flood of referrals soon", how can you give up? How can you give up hope when it comes to your future child? It has just been our crappy luck and we certainly did not sign up for this journey.

If anyone reads this and you know anyone going through an international adoption these days - when everything is in such a flux - give them a hug. They may act like it is okay, but it is not. It is on their mind all the time. It is like the longest at-risk pregnancy one can imagine. Tough stuff.