A letter to my son

My Dearest J,

I love you with all of my heart. And then some. My love for you has tripled since we added Sister to our family. You do know that we give you the majority of the credit that she is now with us, right?  Your Dad and I had hit our emotional limit several times throughout the years with this adoption. We had a handful of stop dates marked on our calendar, but when we would tell you that we were stopping, your little soul appeared to shatter. You would cry the most genuine tears for hours at a time. You were a boy who needed his sister and was determined to see this through, so we continued on.

Being an only child for 7 years, we predicted struggles you might have with the transition of an instant 3 year old sister, but never could we have dared predict how much of a trooper you would handle it all! I know.... sometimes she is not very nice to you which leaves me to wonder if you did not get (as a sister) what you bargained for, but you tell me that you understand why she is the way she is. You say it is because she has never had a sibling and has always had to fight with other kids for what she has received and that we just need to work hard to teach her.  Even when I go to hug you (after she's kicked you in the shin), you will whisper, "Mom... now go and hug her so she does not feel left out!"

Yes, your former undivided attention has now been divided, but you never seem to care. Luckily, I have taken time off of work to spend all of my energies on you and Y.  I know you appreciate that I still try to give you equal 1:1 time still - if not more than before. It is during these cherished alone times that I share my concerns. How are you? Did you feel sad that she pushed you 3x today? Are you getting enough time on your own? I had to attend to her needs after dinner and could not hear out the story of your latest adventure, so did that hurt your feelings? He will always answer as "No". He will always say he understands all of it and that he is more happy that we have Sister (even though that means less attention comes to him) than being just alone. You have never complained.

I have seen you mature before my very eyes these last three months. Sometime I will almost reach my breaking point (after having a little one hang on my pant leg for 10 hours straight) and sensing this, you'll swoop in without asking to divert her away to an activity alone with you. You did not blink when we almost entirely cut out electronics because you said that this will just motivate you to play with Y more. As part of your maturity, you have had the tendency to want to smother and care-take her a little too much. You possess a wise-beyond-years empathy for others, but you are learning and understanding when enough is enough. I have heard you now ask for hugs and then say, "Oh, I can see that you don't want a hug right now, so I will wait." For anyone that knows your big huggy heart, this is huge for you to be able to step back and understand this!

It warms my heart each day when you tell me how much you love her and how happy you are that Y is your sister. Not a day goes by that when after you barge through our front door after school and call out for Y so that you can get right to playing, I don't think how fortunate I am to have you. To have her. That you both have each other. We are complete now - which is something you verbalize often.


Last but not least, how can I not shed light on your silly, rascally antics and how you have strengthened you and your sister's bond by tapping into her silly and rascally side, too. You have taught her her how to make zany faces, tooting on command, Lego men launches, ballet with attitude, snorkeling in the hot tub, couch trampoline, and how to promote dad's immaturity (just to name a few examples). Bellow is a glimpse into a now typical chaotic dinner prep with an "(I want an) Avocado! Avocado!"

Even though Y does not always know how to show it yet, I can tell that she is crazy about you. You are her totally awesome big brother! How can she not be nuts about you? You are the best big brother that was even born in January, 2006. And, in general, you are just the best boy EVER. To my little music maker, dancing maniac, wildly creative, clever as a whip, dramatic king, and silliest bug.... you make me proud in more ways than I can list. I love you!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO - Mom

Feeling charitable this holiday season?

Oh my, the holiday season is rapidly approaching! This is a time that you might be brainstorming on a nice gift to give to others or even hope that you receive! For our family and what we have recently experienced through adoption, we are entering this holiday season from a different prospective. First, we have spent time in a country of beautiful people who experience extreme hardships on a daily basis. A place where little monetary value for us could go a long, long way for them. Second, due to the hardships that one mother, our daughter's birth mother, has had to face in her life resulting in her need to give up her little girl to adoption, we feel a combination of great remorse, gratitude, and motivation to make a difference. Whereas we cannot change the situation that has happened in Y's  mother's situation, we hope that we can make a little difference in preventing similar situations happening to other families.

So, instead of giving a nice new sweater to someone, think about possibly putting that money toward
sponsoring a child in school for a month or making a donation that will buy 10 new books for  library? I am betting that the spirit of giving will shine brighter for both the giver and receiver with such a gift. :)

The charitable opportunities in Ethiopia are endless, but I am highlighting a few that I feel to be top-notch. I am pretty tuned in to the adoptive community and in contact with women who feel strongly about giving aid to Ethiopia. These non-profit organizations (many grass roots) have very little or zero overhead costs and seem to come up frequently as ethical organizations that do a lot of good. I will continue to add to this list as my research continues, but here is a good start. I encourage you to click on each link and see if one stirs you!


1. Lola Children's Fund  www.lolachildrensfund.org
 I put this as #1 on my list as this is the one we will be contributing to. This organization is located in our daughter's birth area of Mekele. This organization gives orphaned children who are affected by HIV a chance to receive residential care, medical care, and schooling. They also support families who are at-risk due to HIV. We will be doing the $35/mo child sponsorship program. They also have just one time donation opportunities.

2. Ethiopia Reads  ethiopiareads.org
Many adoptive families are dedicated to this cause and even make personal trips to see the benefits that this organization provides. Check out their informative website to see all that they do. Their primary focus is to build schools and libraries (including mobile libraries via motor or donkey) as well as in-service and trainings for locals that will be involved with these projects.

3. Roots Ethiopia rootsethiopia.org
This organization's main focus is providing kick start grants (to primarily women) so that they can start their own income generating businesses. Love this! In addition, they also have a school sponsorship program. It is possible to make a one time donation to a general fund or a monthly school sponsorship donation. The founder, Meghan Walsh, said that I can share my email with you all if you have specific questions meghan@rootsethiopia.org. I hear nothing but good things about this one and when we get more $$ in our pockets again, we will also be contributing to this organization.

4. FAYYE Foundation www.fayyefoundation.org
This organization was founded by a fellow WACAP adopter, Jamie Lynn Grumet. I think she is a powerhouse and I put my trust in her compassion and cause. This foundation focuses on micro loans, maternal mortality, and clean water projects.  

5. AHOPE  www.ahopeforchildren.org 
This is a school/family sponsorship program for children living with HIV. This is a long standing foundation that has a stellar reputation.

6. TESFA  www.tesfa.org 

For all my athletic friends out there, you might like this one! This foundation focuses on school construction, education, and sport development programs. They have a housing and training program for teen girl runners. You might also want to click on this movie clip: townofrunners.com  to check out of some of the good they contribute to.

7. WEEMA www.WEEMA.org
They just do a lot. Check them out!

The following are Christian school sponsorship programs that carry good reputations.

8. Embracing Hope International www.embracinghopeethiopia.com

9. Bring Love In  www.bringlove.in

10. World's Greatest Beans worldsgreatestbeans.com  These folks partner with Bring Love In and 20% of proceeds go to their foundation. Buy some beans! Support a cause!

 

The Flight

 Any travel that lasts 48 hours (25 hours in the air) is bound to contribute to an interesting story, but sprinkle in a terrorist threat, stomach flu, hysterical kid, and rude flight attendants, well, it is the makings for a novel! (Don't worry - I will just make it a cliff notes version).

As if we did not have enough to worry about flying with our scared little girl the day before our departure from Addis, we opened our email to a flood of warnings from US security that the VERY DAY we were to be flying over and staying in the middle east, there was a serious threat of a terrorist attack. All US embassy's were to be shut down the morning we were flying out. We decided to ditch our overnight hotel plans in Dubai and instead get a hotel inside the Dubai airport. We figured not traveling outside of security and into public transport would ease the stress, just a bit. 

On the morning of our departure, we knew it was going to be a struggle. Now that I know Y's personality, she was sensing that there was going to be a big happening coming up that she did not trust or understand, so she was going put herself into 100% fight or flight mode. For her, that is displayed by means of stubbornness and defiance. I get this. I really do. She was scared and confused. No doubt, any and all people might act similar in the same traumatic situation. Again, I have compassion for her experience as I share how we all struggled in this situation.

Despite prepping her for days about the concept of a seat belt, she was not going to have it in the cab ride to the airport. This was our first glimpse that we were about to enter the gates of hell.  Getting out of the cab, she went into 100% survival mode, so this meant that every single item we had that she perceived as hers (which was pretty much everything), she was not going to part with. Of course she  had to be this way... as she desperately had to hold on to all that she understood and had control over. She was going to carry/drag/push almost every piece of luggage that we had with her through the airport. Of course, she could not, so this created quite the scene for all Ethiopians in the airport to witness. If this photo above could talk, you would hear her screaming at me "NO! Y!" as I was 5 steps ahead with the rest of the loot. There are understandably mixed emotions from Ethiopians regarding Westerners coming and adopting out their children, so to be making such a huge spectacle of ourselves in such a public place was uncomfortable, to say the least.

We finally boarded the Emerits plane with our kicking and screaming child. This photo captures the brief 15 minutes that she was happy before take-off. The sweet flight attendants (on this flight) showered her with gifts to calm her down, so she had a moment of distraction. I remember mustering this smile both out of relief thinking that she might be manageable on the flight and that we were finally on the plane to bring our daughter home. About 5 seconds after this photo was taken (as you can tell, I was actually going in to snap that blasted seat belt), the following 5 hours in air to Dubai was seriously the worst 5 hours of my (our) life. She kicked and screamed in protest of her seat belt the entire time. She hated that anything had to hold her down - that a stupid rope thing had so much control over her! She fought so hard that her little body would wiggle right out of her belt. There were times that I physically had to lay my body on hers to keep her from harming herself. Beads of sweat poured off of all of us. Our neighboring passengers (in first class, nonetheless) glared at us. To make it even more unbearable, she had learned that indicating she needed to go to the bathroom meant she could get out of the belt. Stupid us did not pack pull ups, and since she was having he runs, we had to honor her requests - only to find that most of the time she would just sit on the toilet and laugh or actually go and then make sure to punish us by managing to get her feces on her hand and then on to us. Again, her need for control in her world that lacked understanding.

Alas, we landed in Dubai and learned that there was a sweet mercy in that our hotel room was literally above our gate.  Hubs deposited us in our room and left immediately to go and plead ask the airport pharmacist if there was any sleeping medication we could give our child. I can just imagine what went down. "Please Mister, don't you have anything that you can give me to put a child in a coma-like-sleep for 48 hours? Anything at all? Sleeping pills? An anesthesia drip? A pint of vodka?" (Ok, those specific requests might be exaggerated a wee bit, but we were almost feeling that desperate). Much to our demise, the answer was no. Much to our gratefulness, Hubs was not dragged away in straight jacket due to his bizarre request and his looney demeanor.

As Hubs was on this mission, I was mustering the strength to cuddle in our bed with Y to look at our photo book and explain to her best that I could that if she wanted to go to her new home tomorrow - to her bedroom, new bike, and her brother - then she was going to have to wear that seat belt. She screamed and cried some more at this information, but then we slept (for a minute) and morning came.

This photo was taken as we were just about to board our flight in Dubai and we were already realizing that things were going MUCH better. First of all, there was the realization that we were not bombed that night. That was a good thing. Next, she was chipper and laughing and then.....

she plopped her little bottom down in that airplane seat and said, "Mommy! Belt!"

That sweet little stinker insisted that belt go on and and stay on! From then on out, things were a million times better. Not perfect - as there was still the the challenge of keeping a 3 year old occupied for several hours of air travel, but much, MUCH better. I truly think she turned a corner that night and accepted that she can't fight it any longer, so just to trust and go with it. That is how she seems about life now, in general. She is such an awesome kid. :)

This is also a very good thing because about 4 hours into the flight was when my first wave of nausea hit. There was a suspected tummy bug going around our guest house and it appears that little bugger followed me home. It did not help that we had a bunch of rude flight attendants that seemed to have a personal mission statement that said we must keep the dinner trays in front of the passengers until their next meal is served so that we can be most efficient. When I asked if they could please take the stinking tray of curried lamb away after 2 hours, they rolled their eyes at my inconveniencing request as they snatched it away. After 4 hours of puking, I went back and interrupted the attendants' social hour and asked if they had any anti-nausea pills on board. When I told them I thought I had a virus, I got an "Oh great, now we are all going to get this for our return flight." They had the pill, but said I did not meet the requirement to take one, so instead shoved a glass of flat Coke in my hand and shooed me away. Husband sat next to Y and entertained her the remaining hours that I ached and shivered from fever in my seat.  So lucky that our sweet girl sensed I was not well and stepped it up even more on her good behavior. And she also got a good 4 hour nap in.

Fast forward now to rerouting flights in the US (flew from DC to San Fran to Phoenix to Salt Lake) and We FINALLY MADE IT!

By this time, Husband and I had maybe slept 2 hours of 48 and were practically hallucinating, but the joy we felt seeing our son again and experiencing him meeting his sister for the first time made it all worth it!!!