Husband

I have dedicated my other blogs to everything including the kitchen sink (literally), so I think it is time that I dedicate a blog entirely to my husband.

Today is his 39 birthday. A wee puppy, he is.

See that picture? Yes, I know. He is a handsome little stud muffin. Hold back, ladies. Control yourselves. He's taken.

We have sort of a funny little love story. Back in 1998, Husband took a hiatus from his SC tennis job to work at a ski resort in Utah. I happened to be taking temporary teaching job in Utah - a brief time nestled between Peace Corps and moving back to Oregon for graduate school. We were set up by his ex girlfriend that he was living with at the time (I'm going to be cruel and just leave you hanging with that one!) and we had a brief 2 month romance. The ski season ended and he flew back to SC and I to OR. Much to his dismay, I felt that it was not the right time in our lives to keep a long distance, so I broke it off. He has finally forgiven me for that. In my defense, we had great fun for that two months, but he made me cry twice. Once was over publicly pointing out a gray hair of mine and the other was for publicly picking on me over my woman's liberation poster. He is not a jerk - rather smoothness was (is) not his strong point. That's okay. I've decided it would be too exhausting if he were perfect, so I have finally forgiven him for that.

Fast forward 2 years and I was cleaning out an old email box when I found his email address. We had not spoken that entire time. I thought, "What the hell? He might want to know I landed in Corvallis and am doing well.", so I sent off a little note. Three months later, he flew out for an amazing weekend. It hit me that after all the toads I had kissed, I was finally with someone that made me feel comfortable just being me, so the following summer I flew to Charleston to spend time with him, and then the year that followed, we flew back and forth while he finished his graduate program. Finally in 2002, he moved to Portland for me. Two years after that, we got hitched and have now made full circle back to Utah. We celebrated our 7 year anniversary last week and it just keeps getting better each year.

Even though we are opposites (ex. He's a sports fanatic and about died the other day when I asked how many goals they had made in a basketball game), we have really meshed into one odd sort of unit.

For all of that, here is this.

These are the reasons why I love my husband very much:

* We can talk about everything and anything, and we accept each other completely - faults and all.

* He is a 'What you see is what you get' kind of guy. There are no games, just all honesty. I trust him completely.

* He is a wonderful father. Really - better than I could have imagined one to be.

* He is really, really good at his job teaching kids. I admire him and he makes me proud to see him in action.

*He lets me sleep in on the weekends.

* We have problems, as I don't believe any marriage is without, but I am SO thankful they are the problems that they are - mostly just around routine and chore stuff that goes hand-in-hand with being a dual working family.

* When we have a problem, we both work really hard at fixing it.

* Our relationship has always strengthened during the hard times in our lives... and we have had our fair share.

* We have the summers off together, and as I know many couples that would strangle each other after that much time together, we thrive. At the end of the summer, I love him more than ever. I just really, really like hanging out with him.

* He has this amazing way of sorting out my thoughts when I can't. He can have this amazing clarity and after I can ramble on and on, he will paraphrase what I said, and then I go, "Ohhh... so that is where I was going with that?"

* He tries hard to make me happy.

* We respect each others feelings. I crumble inside if I know I have said something that hurt him. This is good for me - I like that he keeps me good.

* For what he lacks in the back rub dept, he makes up for with the foot rub.

* Yes, about all he really knows how to do in the kitchen is make a Garden Burger - but damn if it is not a good one!

* We respect each others individuality and make sure to give each other freedom, but at the end of the day, we're happy to come back together.

* I could go on and on with the mushy list, but for sake of time in getting this out on his birthday, I will end on this note. I may not be certain of much, but I know that we will be stuck with... I mean married to...each other forever.

I love you, Babe! Happy birthday!

Seriously? (Part ll)

A sweet friend just read my previous Seriously? post (wow.. maybe someone really does read this silly little blog?) and told me that it can be hard to know what to say, or how to be a support after this long a wait. I reassured her that we don't expect cheerleaders still. I know it is hard to find the energy and words being our friends and family, and we don't expect you to. We are making this choice to fly solo now with this long ride.

However....

If you are searching for the way to show support, our friends back in MA did it perfectly. Shortly after seeing us and just to get it out there, they said, "We follow your blog and know what is going on and realize how hard this must be. We don't really know if you want to talk about it or not, but please know we are thinking about you and are here for you in any way that you might need."

That was perfect (C & J)! Truthfully, there are days that we want to talk a lot about it and days it is just too hard to, but it is nice to know that there is an open invitation to have a supportive conversation.

In addition....

I would like to also to mention that even though this might be coming from a good heart and you are a kind and supportive person, these are the comments that we often get and they are not helpful.

These comments include:
1. (saying absolutely nothing... even after I bring it up)
2. "Well, since you are older and the Kid is older than you anticipated, why can't you just be happy with what you have (meaning one child)?"

It is interesting that these comment always have come from:
1. Friends that chose not to have children
2. Friends who already have their childREN - usually grown.
3. Friends who are very content with their one child.

Now, trust me. We have beaten ourselves up over getting to a place where we wish we could feel happy about wanting just one. In fact, I am very envious of my friends who feel that is perfect for them! If only it could be that easy! But here's the thing - you either feel that or you don't.

I have come across this quote a few times in my life and it is ringing true for me these days.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain


When you are a mom that has an infertility issue, it is amazing how many moms that can be found that were able to have one bio child but no other. It is like we can sniff each other out. If we had envisioned our family with 2+ kids, it is like we've been left in "Limboland" - meaning you think, "Will I really be happy and feel a heart's content with one? Will I not?" Don't get me wrong - we love our son more than life itself and that is not what this is about. This is about that space in our hearts that is meant for another. Honestly, I can think of 20+ moms that I have talked with over the years that despite wanting more than one child, they opted to stay with their only. This was mostly due to fear of the adoption process; they didn't know how to start, financial, the risks, etc. And with the exception of one mom in that 20+ mix, they all say the same thing. "Regret". Their children are older and if they could have turned back time, they would have taken the adoption plunge. I have been in many (somewhat awkward) situations .... at a BBQ, faculty room, grocery store... where this conversation has become very emotional. Obviously, there is pain.

With where I am at today, I am winding up my pitch to throw away the towel. Out of mental need, I have come to a place where I can be Okay with having just one. Let me define this. Okay: not devastated, but not entirely happy. I am also writing this with a literal "I" statement. Husband, on the other hand, will have a much harder time to end this journey at this point, even though he understands the need. We have until January 1st, then we will truly take it as a sign that it was not meant to be. But until then, we are not willing to give up yet. We don't want to live with regret. We're not ready for that just yet.

Seriously?

In all honestly, I am just so damned deflated and discouraged. Can I seriously be starting another school year tomorrow without our child? Really? REALLY? WTF.

My heart aches thinking about where our minds were at three years ago. Three years ago, I remember sitting in the work room with my teacher's aide helping her get on the sub list so she could be my long term sub when we flew off to Taiwan. My heart was giddy with excitement and she was talking baby showers. Didn't happen. The year after, knowing Taiwan was over and starting with ET, I knew we would not get a referral, but thought it would FOR SURE be that summer (last summer). Did not happen. The beginning of last year, I called in a good sub and spent a few hours going through my schedule so that when we left to get our child around last Novemeberish (had little doubt about this), he could be my long term sub. He was excited to take on my job, yet it never happened. Last March, when we were #5 on the list, we were almost relieved saying, "Okay, so now we will FOR SURE be traveling this summer to get her, and it will work out in our favor so that we won't have to take a leave from work". Still.... nothing.

I am starting work tomorrow at the spot #3.5 on the wait list. Ethiopia is now in their two months of court closures, and then there is always that risk that the program will shut it's doors after that (not predicted, but nobody can be certain). We have been stuck at this number for so long, I fear we will rust and be stuck forever. I can't even think about long term subs. Last week my principal stopped me in the hall and asked, yet again, "Will THIS be the year you will take your leave?" I rolled my eyes and told him I am not counting on anything anymore. He is a kind man, so he put his arm on my shoulder and told me it must be tough. My eyes swelled up... in front of my boss.... embarrassing. A parent of one of my students (daughter adopted from Guatemala) stopped by my room in hopes to see a picture of our daughter. Again, she offered up a sympathetic hug and the waterworks started. Pathetic. A teacher friend said, "What?? You are STILL doing that adoption thing?!?! (with a laugh like it was a joke)." Piss off.

We have been beating this adoption dream for so long that the horse is almost dead. Emotionally, I am spent and am even starting to look ahead at the future with our family of three. I would have scoffed back in 2007 with the mention of being a new mom in my 40's. If it was not for Husband who seems to now have the baby itch more than ever (go figure!), I would call it quits now. But, I will hold on just a little longer - still holding steadfast to our January 1st deadline of when we officially call it quits. At that time, we figure it was just not in the cards for us and I am at peace with that.

This last 4.6 years have been amazing watching our son grow, but also the most stressful to imagine. If I think a lot about this, I do get pissed. His childhood has had to be clouded by this state of pending uncertainty and disappointment. Someone once asked me why we would have let ourselves "waste" these sweet years with our son away with that looming stress. Again, seriously? When you long for another child and you start hearing the repeated statement (year after year), "I know the wait has been long, but this time you REALLY are close. The orphanage is full and we expect a flood of referrals soon", how can you give up? How can you give up hope when it comes to your future child? It has just been our crappy luck and we certainly did not sign up for this journey.

If anyone reads this and you know anyone going through an international adoption these days - when everything is in such a flux - give them a hug. They may act like it is okay, but it is not. It is on their mind all the time. It is like the longest at-risk pregnancy one can imagine. Tough stuff.

More summer fun!

It's official. We have been out of town more days than we have been in town this summer! Other then having our new home projects get neglected (though still managed to plant a few trees, build a fence, and build shelves in the garage), we have no regrets. Sadly, school starts up again in a few days, but we are still getting one more camping trip in before that. Those Rocky Mountain wild flowers are just too beautiful to not be up there admiring them! We also have a fun new camping trailer that we plan to wear out.





The boys had hours of fun on our new boat looking for birds and fish.

The two amazing boys in my life. So lucky!


We gave ourselves a two day respite to come home for a lemonade stand. The kids made a whopping $12!