A sweet friend just read my previous Seriously? post (wow.. maybe someone really does read this silly little blog?) and told me that it can be hard to know what to say, or how to be a support after this long a wait. I reassured her that we don't expect cheerleaders still. I know it is hard to find the energy and words being our friends and family, and we don't expect you to. We are making this choice to fly solo now with this long ride.
However....
If you are searching for the way to show support, our friends back in MA did it perfectly. Shortly after seeing us and just to get it out there, they said, "We follow your blog and know what is going on and realize how hard this must be. We don't really know if you want to talk about it or not, but please know we are thinking about you and are here for you in any way that you might need."
That was perfect (C & J)! Truthfully, there are days that we want to talk a lot about it and days it is just too hard to, but it is nice to know that there is an open invitation to have a supportive conversation.
In addition....
I would like to also to mention that even though this might be coming from a good heart and you are a kind and supportive person, these are the comments that we often get and they are not helpful.
These comments include:
1. (saying absolutely nothing... even after I bring it up)
2. "Well, since you are older and the Kid is older than you anticipated, why can't you just be happy with what you have (meaning one child)?"
It is interesting that these comment always have come from:
1. Friends that chose not to have children
2. Friends who already have their childREN - usually grown.
3. Friends who are very content with their one child.
Now, trust me. We have beaten ourselves up over getting to a place where we wish we could feel happy about wanting just one. In fact, I am very envious of my friends who feel that is perfect for them! If only it could be that easy! But here's the thing - you either feel that or you don't.
I have come across this quote a few times in my life and it is ringing true for me these days.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain
When you are a mom that has an infertility issue, it is amazing how many moms that can be found that were able to have one bio child but no other. It is like we can sniff each other out. If we had envisioned our family with 2+ kids, it is like we've been left in "Limboland" - meaning you think, "Will I really be happy and feel a heart's content with one? Will I not?" Don't get me wrong - we love our son more than life itself and that is not what this is about. This is about that space in our hearts that is meant for another. Honestly, I can think of 20+ moms that I have talked with over the years that despite wanting more than one child, they opted to stay with their only. This was mostly due to fear of the adoption process; they didn't know how to start, financial, the risks, etc. And with the exception of one mom in that 20+ mix, they all say the same thing. "Regret". Their children are older and if they could have turned back time, they would have taken the adoption plunge. I have been in many (somewhat awkward) situations .... at a BBQ, faculty room, grocery store... where this conversation has become very emotional. Obviously, there is pain.
With where I am at today, I am winding up my pitch to throw away the towel. Out of mental need, I have come to a place where I can be Okay with having just one. Let me define this. Okay: not devastated, but not entirely happy. I am also writing this with a literal "I" statement. Husband, on the other hand, will have a much harder time to end this journey at this point, even though he understands the need. We have until January 1st, then we will truly take it as a sign that it was not meant to be. But until then, we are not willing to give up yet. We don't want to live with regret. We're not ready for that just yet.
7 comments:
I hear you. Loud and clear. Waiting like this makes us raw in ways that most people can't understand. I really don't know what else to compare it to. And living with the uncertainty? Just maddening. Even if you started out as a "normal" person, the adoption process will turn you into a bit of a freak (not saying that you are- but admitting that I am. In fact, I'm a Super Freak right about now.)
Anyway- hang in there. One of these moments your phone is going to ring and your world is going to be rocked. I am sure of that.
Haha... "Lost Planetista"! I am totally a Super Freak right now! Perfect way to put it!
Thinking of you guys and sending lots and lots of positive energy your way. We pulled off of "the list" in March when things started slowing down so much, if that tells you anything about what the potential waiting was bound to do to me over time ;) I hope so much that you get the call very, very soon....
Hi. You have license to feel whatever it is you feel, and feel it out loud without being judged or told otherwise. This (adoption) is freaking hard. Really freaking hard. Ridiculously, unbearably hard. While I don't know your exact pain, I know our pain, and I know this is the hardest thing we've ever been through. So hopefully find a tiny bit of comfort in that there is an incredible amount of adoption-made-us-crazy woman love and support coming your way from all over.
Oh. And I hope this is ok to say - but I don't think government induced slowdowns - US or otherwise, should indicate a sign that this is or isn't meant to be. I don't believe in "meant to be" any more. Because our child in Nepal wasn't meant to be without a family. Your child in Taiwan wasn't meant to be without a family. (Now, I don't know what to put in place of "meant to be" if that makes sense, but I'm working on it...)
The place of unknowing is the hardest place. Just know, at the very least, that you're not alone there.
from (aka: Elaine) - I KNOW how hard it is. I felt the same discontent after adopting three - I knew there were more. No one can explain or understand it really - unless they go through it. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Hang in there. I hope to see you at the JC sometime soon!
I don't understand the pain of infertility. I don't even want to say that I come even close to understanding your pain. I feel that this journey has given me just a taste of what you and many have gone through. Last night I was chatting on facebook with a friend far away who was going through a miscarriage by herself. I vowed after our failed adoption that I would never take lightly when I heard someone had had a miscarriage. I let her talk and didn't try brush it aside and say the phrases that people say. It was a life, just like I believe our daughter is in Nepal. I understand what "Pebbles to Stone" was saying. The whole "meant to be" thing is overwhelming. I have a faith in God and do believe the words of the bible, but I also think that people say stupid things. Phrases can be said that sound good, but are taken out of context of what the bible meant. I believe that a person has no business giving advise to someone if they haven't had to put into practice those same words in their life in a simular situation. Even if there is any truth in the phrases people say, loss is hard and it does not fit into nice little phrases.
I have been thinking too what to say instead of "meant to be" Love to hear if you come up with anything. I will keep thinking about it too.
I have four boys. I am sure that many people, maybe even those in the adoption world, may think we are crazy. I have a longing for a daughter. I too don't want to have regrets. So we too made one more try at adopting. People around us can't make that decision for us. I can be content with my four wonderful boys. There is something special about having just boys, but I don't ever want to look back and wonder "what if" when all my boys are grown and gone.
Hoping we both get "the call" soon!
I cannot even begin to understand the stress, frustration, emptiness and disappointment you must feel. I understand putting a "we are done" date out there to help mentally, but I can't help but wonder if you would end up regretting that decision.
I don't think that the kids would be too far apart, you are a prime example of that in your own life. Since you have that to personally reference, you would know better than I.
I believe that if I were you and there was an emptiness in my heart, I would try to fill it. While I was waiting, I would try to not focus or plan on it (I know, impossible, but I would try) and I would keep on waiting. Only you can answer if it is worth it for you.
I think of you often and your beautiful family is often in my prayers. How I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Perhaps a good stiff drink, a serious cry, some screaming in the mountains and then a hot bubble bath will help--at least for today.
Love you lots!
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