I think he gets his good looks from his dad. Could I love them both any more? I would think not, but come to think of it, I do just a little more each day.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Introducing my boys
Here is the Kid. And yes, he really is THAT cute. Is it possible to love him more? I think not. Those dimples are real. I promise. I know this because I must kiss them 100 times a day.
I think he gets his good looks from his dad. Could I love them both any more? I would think not, but come to think of it, I do just a little more each day.
I think he gets his good looks from his dad. Could I love them both any more? I would think not, but come to think of it, I do just a little more each day.
Thank you, friends
**Note: There is a funny yellow highlighted section in this blog. I have NO idea what it is or how it got there, so don't pay much attention.
Husband and I often comment to each other just how how fortunate we are to have friends that have been so supportive during our adoption journey. They may not understand why we are adopting and why Ethiopia, or they might not even agree with it all, but what matters to us is that they have created an environment in which Husband and I can safely and openly talk about our adoption - including our joys and fears. They have not let their personal opinions stand in the way (or even particularly voiced them), rather they've accept that we are doing this because it is what we want and that they are going to make this journey beside us as our support system. All we can say from the bottom of our heart is, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Because there are 100+ people to thank (and we appreciate you all!), for the sake of blog space, I am just going to highlight a few that have offered words that have profoundly touched us and have either helped us make pivotal decisions or totally boosted our confidence. In all seriousness, I am highly doubtful that we would be so close to having our daughter if it were not for you all.
Erica (Ben): She was the first friend that I talked to after that life changing day that I googled ET adoption for the first time. They are great friends. Great enough, in fact, that it was around this time last year that we were entertaining their offer to be our surrogate parents. Beyond amazing, I know. Erica has spent extensive time in Africa, so I will also be seeking her guidance in our travels. Her words that remain with me are, "You'll see, this child will be a gift and enrich the lives of people surrounding you in ways you do not understand yet."
Courtney: The best friend one could ever dream of! There is not one conversation in general - just everything she says is absolutely the right thing and I have always felt better after talking to her. And even after that, I can often count on a card in the mail a few days later with words of encouragement.
"Book club" gals: Even though we don't get together often and don't dedicate the time we have to adoption talk, knowing I have an enthusiastic "audience" to share big news with has been priceless. Becca, Merideth, and Erica, thanks so much for sharing in my first local ET dining experience! In particular, thank you so much, Becca, for your enthusiasm and being our girl clothes collector.
Jonah: She has been such a great support, willing to listen, and letting me learn from her knowledge. The Kid loves all of the cool African books, too! She is also one to say, "I couldn't do it again at our age....", but still doesn't try to discourage - rather encourage - us for the fact that we are. That is huge to me. Thanks!
Kristen: Despite the hell she has experienced this last year with her health, she has unselfishly always started the conversation by, "How is the adoption going?" One day she started crying when I was taking about the experience I anticipate when I get to hold her and then bring her home. I then went home and cried. The sincerity of that moment was one that won't leave me. Oh, and she was also the first one to donate some girl clothes early in the process and that sea of pink totally helped me get into "girl mode"!
Cori: I love her insight because there are so many things similar - such as our ages and the spacing of our children, and the difficulties we've faced to get them. I was freaking out about the stress of "age + baby = zero confidence", and that when I've shared this with others, I've recieved feedback of discouraged in continuing with our adoption. She basically told me nonsense and then proceeded to tell me about how she was feeling this way when pregnant with #2 (at age 40), but that much of my (our) physical effects are from the stress of the "what if... when... who will she be.... will this happen.... how can we...?" and that the stress of a new baby won't be in addition to what I feel now - rather the "what if" stress will be gone and replaced by the normal sleepless nights of the baby rearing kind. "Your family will be complete and that will be HUGE on the psyche." I thank her for helping me see it that way because she was so right and I feel much better.
Work friends (especially Kelli, Awbree, & Julia): They were with me at work 7 hours a day for those few months when my mind was literally numb during the transition from Taiwan to Ethiopia. My emotions were also in flux because I was experiencing the loss of my dear grandfather and a friend during that time. Even though they may not of understood the internal immensity of it all, that was one of the most pivotal times of my life. The support they gave me literally got me through the days and kept me looking forward!
Beckie: Okay, she is totally going to laugh if she ever reads this because we are old high school buddies that have since only talked about three times this year when I have either emailed or stopped by her shop for cupcakes (http://www.twoqueenbeesconfiserie.blogspot.com/ .. please check it out people.... wonderful store). Regardless, they have built a mixed race family through adoption and not only was she willing to share her personal experience, but she gave me a contact to another woman that I emailed. If I had not talked with Beckie and gained the insight I did, I highly doubt we would have started looking into ET.
Miss M. : I look forward to highlighting her in a future post, but she is a remarkable student that literally walked into my classroom the week we were (terrifyingly) submitting our ET adoption. At 15, she had just been adopted from ET. We had this instant bond and have both loved learning from each other (equally teachers in different ways). She is also going to be my hair coach. :)
Husband and I often comment to each other just how how fortunate we are to have friends that have been so supportive during our adoption journey. They may not understand why we are adopting and why Ethiopia, or they might not even agree with it all, but what matters to us is that they have created an environment in which Husband and I can safely and openly talk about our adoption - including our joys and fears. They have not let their personal opinions stand in the way (or even particularly voiced them), rather they've accept that we are doing this because it is what we want and that they are going to make this journey beside us as our support system. All we can say from the bottom of our heart is, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Because there are 100+ people to thank (and we appreciate you all!), for the sake of blog space, I am just going to highlight a few that have offered words that have profoundly touched us and have either helped us make pivotal decisions or totally boosted our confidence. In all seriousness, I am highly doubtful that we would be so close to having our daughter if it were not for you all.
Erica (Ben): She was the first friend that I talked to after that life changing day that I googled ET adoption for the first time. They are great friends. Great enough, in fact, that it was around this time last year that we were entertaining their offer to be our surrogate parents. Beyond amazing, I know. Erica has spent extensive time in Africa, so I will also be seeking her guidance in our travels. Her words that remain with me are, "You'll see, this child will be a gift and enrich the lives of people surrounding you in ways you do not understand yet."
Courtney: The best friend one could ever dream of! There is not one conversation in general - just everything she says is absolutely the right thing and I have always felt better after talking to her. And even after that, I can often count on a card in the mail a few days later with words of encouragement.
"Book club" gals: Even though we don't get together often and don't dedicate the time we have to adoption talk, knowing I have an enthusiastic "audience" to share big news with has been priceless. Becca, Merideth, and Erica, thanks so much for sharing in my first local ET dining experience! In particular, thank you so much, Becca, for your enthusiasm and being our girl clothes collector.
Jonah: She has been such a great support, willing to listen, and letting me learn from her knowledge. The Kid loves all of the cool African books, too! She is also one to say, "I couldn't do it again at our age....", but still doesn't try to discourage - rather encourage - us for the fact that we are. That is huge to me. Thanks!
Kristen: Despite the hell she has experienced this last year with her health, she has unselfishly always started the conversation by, "How is the adoption going?" One day she started crying when I was taking about the experience I anticipate when I get to hold her and then bring her home. I then went home and cried. The sincerity of that moment was one that won't leave me. Oh, and she was also the first one to donate some girl clothes early in the process and that sea of pink totally helped me get into "girl mode"!
Cori: I love her insight because there are so many things similar - such as our ages and the spacing of our children, and the difficulties we've faced to get them. I was freaking out about the stress of "age + baby = zero confidence", and that when I've shared this with others, I've recieved feedback of discouraged in continuing with our adoption. She basically told me nonsense and then proceeded to tell me about how she was feeling this way when pregnant with #2 (at age 40), but that much of my (our) physical effects are from the stress of the "what if... when... who will she be.... will this happen.... how can we...?" and that the stress of a new baby won't be in addition to what I feel now - rather the "what if" stress will be gone and replaced by the normal sleepless nights of the baby rearing kind. "Your family will be complete and that will be HUGE on the psyche." I thank her for helping me see it that way because she was so right and I feel much better.
Work friends (especially Kelli, Awbree, & Julia): They were with me at work 7 hours a day for those few months when my mind was literally numb during the transition from Taiwan to Ethiopia. My emotions were also in flux because I was experiencing the loss of my dear grandfather and a friend during that time. Even though they may not of understood the internal immensity of it all, that was one of the most pivotal times of my life. The support they gave me literally got me through the days and kept me looking forward!
Beckie: Okay, she is totally going to laugh if she ever reads this because we are old high school buddies that have since only talked about three times this year when I have either emailed or stopped by her shop for cupcakes (http://www.twoqueenbeesconfiserie.blogspot.com/ .. please check it out people.... wonderful store). Regardless, they have built a mixed race family through adoption and not only was she willing to share her personal experience, but she gave me a contact to another woman that I emailed. If I had not talked with Beckie and gained the insight I did, I highly doubt we would have started looking into ET.
Miss M. : I look forward to highlighting her in a future post, but she is a remarkable student that literally walked into my classroom the week we were (terrifyingly) submitting our ET adoption. At 15, she had just been adopted from ET. We had this instant bond and have both loved learning from each other (equally teachers in different ways). She is also going to be my hair coach. :)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
My new (daily) debate
Here's the newest debate(s) swimming in my mind and I bet taking up way too much brain space.
Debate #1:
Why must I always think I need to have all things figured out for years in advance and not just have more of a "wait and see" attitude? Is it because I am a smart planner? Is it because I am just darn right silly?
Debate #2:
Did I really just consider stopping at that pink stucco house adorned with Roman style pillars and a flashy neon sign that read, "Psychic Readings" to have someone just straight up tell me how it is going to play out, therefore, guide my decision making process in the now. Am I really that desperate a control freak? Or maybe there is something to that crystal ball thing?
Debate #3:
For reasons too many to explain, and for the fact that I actually care about my job and people I work with, I need to make the decision tomorrow (really, I have 6 months, but might as well be 6 minutes in my mind) as to what my future employment is going to look like. Here's the debate:
a) Should I secure my current teaching job that I really like by taking a one year's leave (granted, if the district allows) for this next school year so that I may spend quality bonding time with our baby, then go back to my 1.0 position the following year? I have never really liked my former job(s) in my 15+ yr. career, so since the reality is that my .5 teaching hiatus (has been the intention to cut my hours from the get-go) will be temporary, is it worth it in the long run to be at this great school that is a close commute, great staff, and even greater kids to have only one full year (instead of three .5 time years) to be home with our new baby?
Or.....
b) Should I take an available .5 position at my current school next year (the current .5 resource teacher would like my 1.0 position, so we would basically switch positions) and work .5 as long as our budget will allow. Based on our calculations and the fact that I make more than Husband, we estimate that this could be 2 ... maybe 3 years at best. Then when I need to go back full time, I'll have to take a position at a new school with a 5/7 chance it will be at a much farther distance (up to 50 minutes one way) with a tougher population. I feel pretty confident that a 1.o resource teaching position will not open back up at my school for many, many years once I leave because my future replacement is already eager to permanently take the job.
Is this just clear as mud? Let me just try to further explain, then.
All along, we have been banking on me going part time and I (we) have been literally giddy with this prospect because it will be an alternate, full day schedule (two days one week and three days the next - peeeerfect!). The fact that I could actually take a break in life to have the time and energy to make sure the house is clean each night, cook healthy meals, spend quality time raising our daughter and son, be able to pick my son up from school (and not extended day), go to school functions, volunteer at his school, feeling generally balanced in my life, and the opportunity to exercise and not be literally exhausted at night just makes my heart happy. Hitting (more like crashing) into 40, and having our tornado and new baby together just sounds like an terrifically tiring combination and I am positively sure than since I already feel this way now, I KNOW I will very much regret that I won't be the parent I want if I don't take some type of hour reduction. I'll still be a good mom - just not the great one I've always wanted to be.
But then again, going back to work last week and not bawling the entire drive to work (for the first time ever) spoke volumes and I've already found myself regretful that, after a few years when I look for full time work again, I won't be coming back. This is the kind of school I would like to retire from. I also have to remind myself that we did make it work with the Kid working full time. In fact, he blossomed with the situation, so maybe we could muster the strength to do it with #2? We lucked out to find a very loving caretaker and the fact that our kids can start at Husband's school at age three is ideal. Even though I have regretted missing out on all the mom and kid time, I am so relieved that he has never complained and is one of the happiest kids I know. And mind you, however, I would only even consider doing this full time thing with #2 if we got a house keeper and yard maintenance. Standing firm on this one.
But then again, maybe something better will come up in the few years if I stick with the .5 plan .... like actually getting to use my MA in counseling for that near impossible to find counseling job? How much would it suck to just take the one year's leave to then not even go back to my school!
But then again, what if Tim gets more work/coaching (or God forbid, an actual fat raise) and we can swing it for me to work .5 for like, FOREVER, and then I can stay at my dream job? I then might as well go around twirling on my toes with the "Hallelujah" song booming down from the heavens because I think I really could not be happier with a situation!
But then again, yada, yada yada
But then again, blah, blah, blah
(3 hours later)
But then again, will our cat be happier if I am able to spend more time with her and might this prevent her massive hairballs if I do have the time to brush her more than once a year?
OK, Me, just breathe. Ommmm.............
Debate #1:
Why must I always think I need to have all things figured out for years in advance and not just have more of a "wait and see" attitude? Is it because I am a smart planner? Is it because I am just darn right silly?
Debate #2:
Did I really just consider stopping at that pink stucco house adorned with Roman style pillars and a flashy neon sign that read, "Psychic Readings" to have someone just straight up tell me how it is going to play out, therefore, guide my decision making process in the now. Am I really that desperate a control freak? Or maybe there is something to that crystal ball thing?
Debate #3:
For reasons too many to explain, and for the fact that I actually care about my job and people I work with, I need to make the decision tomorrow (really, I have 6 months, but might as well be 6 minutes in my mind) as to what my future employment is going to look like. Here's the debate:
a) Should I secure my current teaching job that I really like by taking a one year's leave (granted, if the district allows) for this next school year so that I may spend quality bonding time with our baby, then go back to my 1.0 position the following year? I have never really liked my former job(s) in my 15+ yr. career, so since the reality is that my .5 teaching hiatus (has been the intention to cut my hours from the get-go) will be temporary, is it worth it in the long run to be at this great school that is a close commute, great staff, and even greater kids to have only one full year (instead of three .5 time years) to be home with our new baby?
Or.....
b) Should I take an available .5 position at my current school next year (the current .5 resource teacher would like my 1.0 position, so we would basically switch positions) and work .5 as long as our budget will allow. Based on our calculations and the fact that I make more than Husband, we estimate that this could be 2 ... maybe 3 years at best. Then when I need to go back full time, I'll have to take a position at a new school with a 5/7 chance it will be at a much farther distance (up to 50 minutes one way) with a tougher population. I feel pretty confident that a 1.o resource teaching position will not open back up at my school for many, many years once I leave because my future replacement is already eager to permanently take the job.
Is this just clear as mud? Let me just try to further explain, then.
All along, we have been banking on me going part time and I (we) have been literally giddy with this prospect because it will be an alternate, full day schedule (two days one week and three days the next - peeeerfect!). The fact that I could actually take a break in life to have the time and energy to make sure the house is clean each night, cook healthy meals, spend quality time raising our daughter and son, be able to pick my son up from school (and not extended day), go to school functions, volunteer at his school, feeling generally balanced in my life, and the opportunity to exercise and not be literally exhausted at night just makes my heart happy. Hitting (more like crashing) into 40, and having our tornado and new baby together just sounds like an terrifically tiring combination and I am positively sure than since I already feel this way now, I KNOW I will very much regret that I won't be the parent I want if I don't take some type of hour reduction. I'll still be a good mom - just not the great one I've always wanted to be.
But then again, going back to work last week and not bawling the entire drive to work (for the first time ever) spoke volumes and I've already found myself regretful that, after a few years when I look for full time work again, I won't be coming back. This is the kind of school I would like to retire from. I also have to remind myself that we did make it work with the Kid working full time. In fact, he blossomed with the situation, so maybe we could muster the strength to do it with #2? We lucked out to find a very loving caretaker and the fact that our kids can start at Husband's school at age three is ideal. Even though I have regretted missing out on all the mom and kid time, I am so relieved that he has never complained and is one of the happiest kids I know. And mind you, however, I would only even consider doing this full time thing with #2 if we got a house keeper and yard maintenance. Standing firm on this one.
But then again, maybe something better will come up in the few years if I stick with the .5 plan .... like actually getting to use my MA in counseling for that near impossible to find counseling job? How much would it suck to just take the one year's leave to then not even go back to my school!
But then again, what if Tim gets more work/coaching (or God forbid, an actual fat raise) and we can swing it for me to work .5 for like, FOREVER, and then I can stay at my dream job? I then might as well go around twirling on my toes with the "Hallelujah" song booming down from the heavens because I think I really could not be happier with a situation!
But then again, yada, yada yada
But then again, blah, blah, blah
(3 hours later)
But then again, will our cat be happier if I am able to spend more time with her and might this prevent her massive hairballs if I do have the time to brush her more than once a year?
OK, Me, just breathe. Ommmm.............
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Should I stay or should I go?
It is looking like it is a pretty consistent time span of 5 weeks between our court hearing and embassy date. The plan has always been for Tim and I to fly to ET for a week for the court hearing where we will officially adopt our daughter. We would then return her to the orphanage (actually the WACAP house, which is sort of like a halfway house between orphanage and home), say our good-byes, then fly back to the states to go on with life for a month. At that time, most likely only I will fly back for the embassy date and to bring our daughter home.
Yes, it sounds crazy, but since ET recently mandated the two trip rule (this is a GOOD thing because as it was before, the adoption was completed without meeting the child and parents were required to to just fly out once to meet their already adopted child, stop by the embassy, then head home) it has been set up this way and parents are already finding it to be not as bad as they thought in regards to leaving their little one(s) behind because they feel they are well taken care of and loved at the WACAP house.
But still......
I keep thinking about this future time when we get to hold this little baby in our arms, falling in love with her, feeling our maternal instincts meter rise rapidly, then laying her down in a little bed beside the care of a nanny that oversees 3-5 other babies, then just fly away. We will come home, go back to work, and carry on for a month like nothing has happened ..... like we didn't just really leave our baby daughter hanging out in one of the most impoverished countries across the globe.
Yuck. But still......
I have my baby here in the states, too. The Kid. Even though I sometimes yearn to have a little break from his energy, the thought of being away from him for 5-6 weeks (or even 5-6 days) wrenches at my gut. Besides, the guest house that we intend to stay at is $60.00/night. That would be an outrageous amount to consider.
The other day after reading some stories of those who have or are anticipating staying in ET for the duration, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Realistically, the price of a 2nd ticket would be as much as the total bill of a month's lodging and I could also start my 3 month maternity leave when we fly off for the court hearing. If I did this, and after our court hearing for adoption, she would be mine. This means that if I am there, I can't just drop her back off at the orphanage at my convenience for a few hours so that I can go and kick it with a cuppa jo and the paper. Nope. She would be officially mine and her and I would be a solo team at the guest house for that 5 weeks until embassy - and when I say "at the guest house", that is literally what I mean. It has been suggested that it is not the wisest idea to just go gallivanting the streets of Addis Ababa with an ET baby strapped to our chest. Because Ethiopians are a strong yet tender people, the thought of adopting out their own is very, very difficult. Being a white privileged female flaunting that I am there to adopt and "save" one of their own can hit a sensitive nerve - and frankly, I feel sensitive to their sensitivity.
I hear that the Guest House is pretty nice, though. There are many other adopting families from around the globe recycling through. There is a nice staff with a nice courtyard to hang out on. There is a driver on call to take me around if need be. It could be a possibility.
Regardless.....
I dismissed it as just a fleeting thought. Ha! Leave my son for that long? Blasphemous! And surely Husband would never agree. In fact, I tucked this thought in the back of my mind for several days until one day I randomly brought it up as a tag-on to another topic while doing dishes. To my surprise, I found Husband halted in his step and looking at me with a jaw dropped expression.
"I think that sounds like a great idea!"
Huh?
We then proceed to bring up the positive points in that this could be like a "bonding boot camp" and it would most likely be an easier transition for our baby as she will still be entwined in the senses of ET (smells, visions, sounds, etc) all the while getting to know me. The point was stressed as how else could I really soak in a culture than living there for a stint and that this could lead to an invaluable experiences to share with our daughter one day. I also derived the thought that, if possible, I could find a nanny and get away for a bit to do a small volunteer opportunity (likey-like this thought!). Husband said that with a little support from the in-laws, he feels completely confident that he can wrangle our little tornado for that long. I told him that I am scared that I don't have the strength to manage a new baby, and on my own, and in such close quarters of the guest house, and on my own, and in a third world country, and on my own, and what if one of us gets sick, and on my own, and I would miss the Kid, and did I make it clear that this would be ON MY OWN?
He then reminded me that once, when I was naive young woman, I backpacked through Europe and then, just over ten years ago, I like lived in one of the most remote places in the world (Papua New Guinea - Peace Corps ) where I survived being chased by a cassowary, mutant sized bugs, mice gnawing their way into my mosquito net at night to snatch the ear plugs that were in my ears to drown out the sound of mice gnawing through my net, a cyclone, and terrifying bush plane crash landing. Even though the events of the last 5 years have rattled my nerves some, he knows that that type of strength is still in there. He's probably right.
So, not sure where this leaves me. I was changing my mind minute to minute and making myself nuts for a while, so instead I have decided to just occasionally stew on it in the upcoming months while continuing to read other experiences and even (hopefully) talking to others who tried this route.
Yes, it sounds crazy, but since ET recently mandated the two trip rule (this is a GOOD thing because as it was before, the adoption was completed without meeting the child and parents were required to to just fly out once to meet their already adopted child, stop by the embassy, then head home) it has been set up this way and parents are already finding it to be not as bad as they thought in regards to leaving their little one(s) behind because they feel they are well taken care of and loved at the WACAP house.
But still......
I keep thinking about this future time when we get to hold this little baby in our arms, falling in love with her, feeling our maternal instincts meter rise rapidly, then laying her down in a little bed beside the care of a nanny that oversees 3-5 other babies, then just fly away. We will come home, go back to work, and carry on for a month like nothing has happened ..... like we didn't just really leave our baby daughter hanging out in one of the most impoverished countries across the globe.
Yuck. But still......
I have my baby here in the states, too. The Kid. Even though I sometimes yearn to have a little break from his energy, the thought of being away from him for 5-6 weeks (or even 5-6 days) wrenches at my gut. Besides, the guest house that we intend to stay at is $60.00/night. That would be an outrageous amount to consider.
The other day after reading some stories of those who have or are anticipating staying in ET for the duration, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Realistically, the price of a 2nd ticket would be as much as the total bill of a month's lodging and I could also start my 3 month maternity leave when we fly off for the court hearing. If I did this, and after our court hearing for adoption, she would be mine. This means that if I am there, I can't just drop her back off at the orphanage at my convenience for a few hours so that I can go and kick it with a cuppa jo and the paper. Nope. She would be officially mine and her and I would be a solo team at the guest house for that 5 weeks until embassy - and when I say "at the guest house", that is literally what I mean. It has been suggested that it is not the wisest idea to just go gallivanting the streets of Addis Ababa with an ET baby strapped to our chest. Because Ethiopians are a strong yet tender people, the thought of adopting out their own is very, very difficult. Being a white privileged female flaunting that I am there to adopt and "save" one of their own can hit a sensitive nerve - and frankly, I feel sensitive to their sensitivity.
I hear that the Guest House is pretty nice, though. There are many other adopting families from around the globe recycling through. There is a nice staff with a nice courtyard to hang out on. There is a driver on call to take me around if need be. It could be a possibility.
Regardless.....
I dismissed it as just a fleeting thought. Ha! Leave my son for that long? Blasphemous! And surely Husband would never agree. In fact, I tucked this thought in the back of my mind for several days until one day I randomly brought it up as a tag-on to another topic while doing dishes. To my surprise, I found Husband halted in his step and looking at me with a jaw dropped expression.
"I think that sounds like a great idea!"
Huh?
We then proceed to bring up the positive points in that this could be like a "bonding boot camp" and it would most likely be an easier transition for our baby as she will still be entwined in the senses of ET (smells, visions, sounds, etc) all the while getting to know me. The point was stressed as how else could I really soak in a culture than living there for a stint and that this could lead to an invaluable experiences to share with our daughter one day. I also derived the thought that, if possible, I could find a nanny and get away for a bit to do a small volunteer opportunity (likey-like this thought!). Husband said that with a little support from the in-laws, he feels completely confident that he can wrangle our little tornado for that long. I told him that I am scared that I don't have the strength to manage a new baby, and on my own, and in such close quarters of the guest house, and on my own, and in a third world country, and on my own, and what if one of us gets sick, and on my own, and I would miss the Kid, and did I make it clear that this would be ON MY OWN?
He then reminded me that once, when I was naive young woman, I backpacked through Europe and then, just over ten years ago, I like lived in one of the most remote places in the world (Papua New Guinea - Peace Corps ) where I survived being chased by a cassowary, mutant sized bugs, mice gnawing their way into my mosquito net at night to snatch the ear plugs that were in my ears to drown out the sound of mice gnawing through my net, a cyclone, and terrifying bush plane crash landing. Even though the events of the last 5 years have rattled my nerves some, he knows that that type of strength is still in there. He's probably right.
So, not sure where this leaves me. I was changing my mind minute to minute and making myself nuts for a while, so instead I have decided to just occasionally stew on it in the upcoming months while continuing to read other experiences and even (hopefully) talking to others who tried this route.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Words
My emotional adoption journey has been like the changing tides. The water comes in and I am high with excitement and anticipation. Other days - like the low tide - those elated feelings get pulled away leaving me feeling nervous and very scared of the "what ifs".
Sometimes late at night, I spend waaaay too many hours reading blogs from other ET adopters. The majority of them are full of happy stories with pictures of adorable kids. Their stories are like those that are made of rainbows and unicorns. I am thankful they are out there. They can't help but suck me into the excitement and affirmation for this wacky quest that we have found ourselves in. And then there are those others; the blogs written by women/mothers who write from the depths of their souls. They reveal their inner most struggles and thoughts so that we may all learn from them, and OK... I'll say it ... freak out a little.
Husband thinks I am nuts for even reading these at all, and when I do, my tendency to skip over all the mushy blogs and go right to the hard core. The ones that after reading make me put down the computer, stagger into Husband's arms, cup his cheeks in my hands so that he is forced to look into my fear stricken, tear swelling eyes as I clearly articulate, "What in the HELL are we doing?"
Despite this, I don't think I am nuts (well, not entirely). If anyone knows me, they know that I have that kind of mentality; I just leap right over best case scenario and land in the worst case puddle so that I can splash around there for a while. I'm kind of like one of those glass half empty type of gals, so in honor of my depleted glass, I love the fact that those blogs are out there. I almost try to mentally put myself into the blogger's shoes so I can test myself to see if I can hack it. After all, the stuff of attachment (or lack of) and grief are heavy and are all real possibilities when adopting a child - especially babies and children that are older than newborns from other countries.
I confess that I did (and still do a little) feel drawn to adopt a toddler (up to age 3) because there would not be the 2:00 am bottles, closer to the Kid's age, and the fact that there is more of a need for adoption of older kids. The Husband, however, is adamant that an infant is the best for him and us. He stands firm and has never wavered from this in the 4 years that we have been on our wacky adoption (nightmare) quest. Reflecting on our current places in life with the Kid and all, I do have to mostly agree with him.
I really am getting to the point as to why I just jumped from reading heavy blogs to age request (rather than just boring you from my 2:00 am typing spew), and here it is....
One of the beautifully raw blogs I love to read is http://zehlahlum.blogspot.com/. I really like the name as "Zehlahlum" means "Forever" in Amharic (one of the primary languages in ET). I have no idea who the author is of this blog because she is also careful to keep her family names private, but I feel she speaks my words that I often have a hard time verbalizing. They adopted a toddler several months ago and she has documented the struggles she and her family have faced forming attachment with their wonderful yet strong willed daughter who is resisting the trust and love that they so desperately want to give.
The other day I read one of her travel logs that she journaled regarding her thoughts, feelings, and experiences of traveling to ET to adopt her daughter and meeting the birth mother. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the birth mother, too. I am pretty sure that our daughter is now in someone's womb or has been born, and I assume that, being a mother myself, our future child's mother's heart is now very conflicted and hurting with the decision she most likely knows that lays ahead (or has already made). My heart is breaking for her. It also weighs heavy in thoughts that my daughter will not get to grow up in beautiful ET.
When I talk with husband about this, he sees it from more of a black and white perspective. He says that she will be put up for adoption due to circumstance we can not control and someone is going to adopt her and it will be lucky for her that it will be us who will because we'll give her a great life - unlike the hardship she most likely would have faced growing up as a female in ET. Wish I could think like him.... but not I. I am allllll gray and then some.
I emailed the Zelhalhum author to ask if I could quote her from one of her logs, though I did not hear back. Surely her hands are full with her "Little Miss" and has much more important things to do then respond to me (like working on getting her daughter to stop head butting her then spitting in her face), so I am hoping that she does not mind my quote, as I do so with respectful credit to her experience. Her description reads completely true to how I am feeling now and what I think I will feel when I am there. Actually, I probably won't feel this doom and gloom all of the time, but am pretty sure I will feel this a lot.
I copied this from her description of looking out the window of the bus she was taking in route to meet her daughter's birth mother.
"These people are just living their lives. A life that I am sorry to have taken away from my daughter. They are not sitting around their huts waiting to be rescued by America. They don't need that. Yes, there is need for some change, but it needs to be done carefully and with respect. They need support-- yes, but saved? No! I know it's not my fault that Little Miss can't stay here. I haven't caused her adoption and if we weren't adopting her someone else would be, but there's no denying the loss in adoption. Her first mother lost Little Miss. Little Miss lost her first mother. Ethiopia lost Little Miss. Little Miss loses Ethiopia. Adoption is just wrapped around and around loss until we can put a glossy photo on it and tie it with a bow. And somehow I am the one who benefits. I gain a daughter. It feels presumptuous and unfair, but wonderful. For me, just for me though."
Sometimes late at night, I spend waaaay too many hours reading blogs from other ET adopters. The majority of them are full of happy stories with pictures of adorable kids. Their stories are like those that are made of rainbows and unicorns. I am thankful they are out there. They can't help but suck me into the excitement and affirmation for this wacky quest that we have found ourselves in. And then there are those others; the blogs written by women/mothers who write from the depths of their souls. They reveal their inner most struggles and thoughts so that we may all learn from them, and OK... I'll say it ... freak out a little.
Husband thinks I am nuts for even reading these at all, and when I do, my tendency to skip over all the mushy blogs and go right to the hard core. The ones that after reading make me put down the computer, stagger into Husband's arms, cup his cheeks in my hands so that he is forced to look into my fear stricken, tear swelling eyes as I clearly articulate, "What in the HELL are we doing?"
Despite this, I don't think I am nuts (well, not entirely). If anyone knows me, they know that I have that kind of mentality; I just leap right over best case scenario and land in the worst case puddle so that I can splash around there for a while. I'm kind of like one of those glass half empty type of gals, so in honor of my depleted glass, I love the fact that those blogs are out there. I almost try to mentally put myself into the blogger's shoes so I can test myself to see if I can hack it. After all, the stuff of attachment (or lack of) and grief are heavy and are all real possibilities when adopting a child - especially babies and children that are older than newborns from other countries.
I confess that I did (and still do a little) feel drawn to adopt a toddler (up to age 3) because there would not be the 2:00 am bottles, closer to the Kid's age, and the fact that there is more of a need for adoption of older kids. The Husband, however, is adamant that an infant is the best for him and us. He stands firm and has never wavered from this in the 4 years that we have been on our wacky adoption (nightmare) quest. Reflecting on our current places in life with the Kid and all, I do have to mostly agree with him.
I really am getting to the point as to why I just jumped from reading heavy blogs to age request (rather than just boring you from my 2:00 am typing spew), and here it is....
One of the beautifully raw blogs I love to read is http://zehlahlum.blogspot.com/. I really like the name as "Zehlahlum" means "Forever" in Amharic (one of the primary languages in ET). I have no idea who the author is of this blog because she is also careful to keep her family names private, but I feel she speaks my words that I often have a hard time verbalizing. They adopted a toddler several months ago and she has documented the struggles she and her family have faced forming attachment with their wonderful yet strong willed daughter who is resisting the trust and love that they so desperately want to give.
The other day I read one of her travel logs that she journaled regarding her thoughts, feelings, and experiences of traveling to ET to adopt her daughter and meeting the birth mother. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the birth mother, too. I am pretty sure that our daughter is now in someone's womb or has been born, and I assume that, being a mother myself, our future child's mother's heart is now very conflicted and hurting with the decision she most likely knows that lays ahead (or has already made). My heart is breaking for her. It also weighs heavy in thoughts that my daughter will not get to grow up in beautiful ET.
When I talk with husband about this, he sees it from more of a black and white perspective. He says that she will be put up for adoption due to circumstance we can not control and someone is going to adopt her and it will be lucky for her that it will be us who will because we'll give her a great life - unlike the hardship she most likely would have faced growing up as a female in ET. Wish I could think like him.... but not I. I am allllll gray and then some.
I emailed the Zelhalhum author to ask if I could quote her from one of her logs, though I did not hear back. Surely her hands are full with her "Little Miss" and has much more important things to do then respond to me (like working on getting her daughter to stop head butting her then spitting in her face), so I am hoping that she does not mind my quote, as I do so with respectful credit to her experience. Her description reads completely true to how I am feeling now and what I think I will feel when I am there. Actually, I probably won't feel this doom and gloom all of the time, but am pretty sure I will feel this a lot.
I copied this from her description of looking out the window of the bus she was taking in route to meet her daughter's birth mother.
"These people are just living their lives. A life that I am sorry to have taken away from my daughter. They are not sitting around their huts waiting to be rescued by America. They don't need that. Yes, there is need for some change, but it needs to be done carefully and with respect. They need support-- yes, but saved? No! I know it's not my fault that Little Miss can't stay here. I haven't caused her adoption and if we weren't adopting her someone else would be, but there's no denying the loss in adoption. Her first mother lost Little Miss. Little Miss lost her first mother. Ethiopia lost Little Miss. Little Miss loses Ethiopia. Adoption is just wrapped around and around loss until we can put a glossy photo on it and tie it with a bow. And somehow I am the one who benefits. I gain a daughter. It feels presumptuous and unfair, but wonderful. For me, just for me though."
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Three
It has been 3 months since we were logged in (or basically put on a list) to be matched with our daughter. Thankfully, it has gone by faster than expected, no doubt because there has been a flurry of activity. Husband and I are pretty lucky to have found each other because we both are teachers + we both have summer vacations = we have the opportunity to create some pretty awesome family memories. Let me just stop here to step back and clarify what I just said because Husband will surely object and want me to say the REAL truth, which is that we actually met when I was a teacher and he was tennis pro and I "strongly encouraged the idea" of being a teacher with the "hint...hint...(wink)" that it would make a great relationship duo. Fast forward 10 years and he can't deny that he made the best choice in going the teacher route... and then marrying me, of course.
These last three months primarily fell over our summer vacation and we did anything but sit around (with the exception of my "three whole days!" which I delightfully shared in my prior post). We had playdates, swimming pools, camping, birthday parties, house guests, and painting of a room (which the Kid defiantly declared that we "RUINED HIS LIFE!" by changing his room color from Crocodile Dream Green to Honey Bear Yellow).
And then there was the traveling. We started out at a family condo near Dillon, Colorado for some some good 'ol Rocky Mountain high adventuring, then jetted off Maine for daily beach frolicking and sharing in Steve and Lindsey's beautiful wedding, and then wrapped it up with some quality family time at the grandparent's house in Massachusetts.
I started back to work 3 days after we returned from our jet setting. I feel so fortunate in that I made a very wise career move last year by making the brave, long leap from an elementary setting to high school. I never thought that I would use the words "enjoy" and "job" in the same sentence, but now I do frequently and am very happy with where I am at. This is the fist year that I have not dreaded going back to work and even looking forward to the fact that I will stay busy making the wait time likely go by even faster.
So, how much time do we have now to wait, you ask? Hahaha..haha..ha..ha.... good question. I feel the best comparison of waiting for a referral is the game Candy Land. You get so close to that glorious Gum Drop castle that you can almost lick it when you draw that bastard Gingerbread Man card that makes you slide back down that those colorful, gummy squares to the beginning. That is about how it can feel sometimes. This last month started with the dreaded rumors of a much longer wait, then went to giddiness of the thought of a much faster referral due to a brief spurt of infant referrals, and finally back to the message from our adoption case worker to not pop the cork yet because having numerous baby referrals at one time is a fluke and there is an expected likelihood to have more older children referrals in the upcoming months.
So, to get back to that question. We have jumped all over, but have averaged a 9 month wait from start to referral - meaning we are on the 6 month wait (give or take 3 months). For all that it is worth, if the math is correct, we are about #18 for the total number of families with our agency to be matched (give or take a few). These families on this list are open for either gender in ages infancy to young children and even specifically sibling groups. So, if a tiny baby girl becomes eligible for adoption (there are many already orphaned, though this is when there are determined eligible though birth parent relinquishment, etc), the family next on the list - even if they are open for a boy up to 5 year old - they will get the referral. We are more around #9 for an infant girl. Yes, this does seem close when you take in account that there were 6 referrals (that I know about) last month. But then again, if the case worker's predictions are right and there are will be older children referrals ready to go out in the upcoming months, then #18 can seem an eternity! Nobody really knows, therefore it is just a wait and see game. Just hoping we stick to those lollipop and licorice cards!
So, to get back to that question. We have jumped all over, but have averaged a 9 month wait from start to referral - meaning we are on the 6 month wait (give or take 3 months). For all that it is worth, if the math is correct, we are about #18 for the total number of families with our agency to be matched (give or take a few). These families on this list are open for either gender in ages infancy to young children and even specifically sibling groups. So, if a tiny baby girl becomes eligible for adoption (there are many already orphaned, though this is when there are determined eligible though birth parent relinquishment, etc), the family next on the list - even if they are open for a boy up to 5 year old - they will get the referral. We are more around #9 for an infant girl. Yes, this does seem close when you take in account that there were 6 referrals (that I know about) last month. But then again, if the case worker's predictions are right and there are will be older children referrals ready to go out in the upcoming months, then #18 can seem an eternity! Nobody really knows, therefore it is just a wait and see game. Just hoping we stick to those lollipop and licorice cards!
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