Yes, 2.5 months since our last post and we are still here plugging away and chugging along. I am so glad that we have had distractions to keep us going. My new job came at a perfect time as it takes my mind off of all the crazy - and I must say, I am just very glad that I made the change (from the classroom to a district coordinator).
We have also made not one, but TWO trips to California since the first of September! One trip was cashing in a very generous opportunity from the Husband's family for the two of us to fly to San Fransisco for a romantic get-away. Hmmmm. Lovely.
We also did a very spontaneous trip to Disneyland a few weeks ago! This is one of those things that we just kept putting off because of the adoption, but as we have asserted this philosophy many times this year, we decided to stop putting our lives on hold and to just throw a wad of cash to the wind and go for it! The element of surprise (the Kid did not know until we were actually at the airport!) made the experience extra memorable. The Kid had a blast, though think he might be a little scarred from Space Mountain.
Oh yes, and as for that elusive adoption. Well, we have moved a whopping 3 places up on "the list" in 18 months, so I guess we can all do a big whoop-dee-do for that. As of now, we are #3 for a child 2 years of age, #2 for a child 3 year of age, and #1 for a child 4 year of age.
Being #1 for a child 4 years of age has brought many interesting prospects our way including siblings, twins, and a sweet 5 year old girl. The girl was very difficult for us because she was just over our age request, so we were given a lot of detail on her. The main reason we decided she would not be a fit for our family is because she had several characteristics of an older child. Most children in ET don't have a birth certificate, so ages are an estimate. She came with very little information, so by putting the little pieces of info together, or best guesstimate was that she was really 6-7 years old. Numerous studies and a strong recommendation from our caseworker suggests that disrupting birth order can be very challenging for the siblings to establish their roles in the family. Luckily, there was a family after us that felt that she was right for them, so they snagged her up!
In many ways, these experiences have been somewhat reassuring. I know that after all of this time, we are going to go forward with our adoption only if it feels right from the heart and the mind. I can't tell you how many times I have ran the scenario in my mind of laying my eyes upon her picture, then knowing my emotions would knee jerk me with a swift and solid "Yes! She's the one!", but I was relieved to know that I looked at the situation(s) very logically. There is just a lot to consider when adopting older, and glad to know our head and heart are in synch.
So.... where does this leave us now? If we were even a few families behind on the list, I feel fairly positive that we would be done. Have I mentioned that this wait has turned into literal torture at this point? Well, it is and I am almost done with this beast of an adoption.....
But we can't give up now because apparently there are two of the most sweetest little girls there that are 3-4 years old. We have known about these girls for two months, and as always, they are caught up in that #*@% paperwork. One of my adoption friends, Zoe (www.slowmama.com), just went to pick up her darling 4 year old twin girls and she wrote to me on her return that she got to spend time with them. She said she would have taken either of those girls home in a heartbeat and that they are adorable in every way. Coming from her (one whom I would think is an excellent judge on intuitive things such as "red flags") meant the world to me. Apparently, these girls are now considered adoptable (WACAP puts family preservation as #1 priority - so will not call these children true orphans that are ready for adoption until all efforts have been made to keep them with their birth families), so really, it is just that blasted paperwork we are waiting on. Our caseworker said that many of these villages that the kids are from are an 8 hour drive from the orphanage, so with needing to make several trips out to the village to complete the paperwork explains the extreme lag in time. I guess.
So, unless this orphanage that currently works exclusively with WACAP signs on with another orphanage in the time being (that would just be our crappy luck), one of those girls are ours, so we are holding out for her. And I will continue to jump out of my pants every time my phone rings.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Summer, 2012 (warning: picture overload!)
All photos taken with my rockin' I-Phone
And also, if you go back to that kite picture, if you look super closely, you might see Spiderman and Batman strapped on for the ride...and you would not believe the adventures they had! Bet you didn't know they saved the world from mass destruction. Thank god we had that dragon kite on hand to help aide in that mission. This was a two day activity and I chalk it up to the unexpected pleasures of having a son!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Mini update
For the few of you that might be curious, not much new to report on here. Sort of like the same ol', same ol' blah...blah..blah. Whatever.
There was a wave of referrals a month ago. I get chills thinking of my friend I have met through our agency. They have been on the wait list for over three years (but really, due to road blocks, about the same amount of time we have been in process) and as I type this, they are in ET meeting their 4 year old twins for the first time. They have no other children, so the significance of this union is amazing!
That is one good thing. Since referrals are going at the rate of pudding through a filter, it is just a matter of weeks to get scheduled a court and embassy date (meaning actually bringing your kids home!). Not long ago, scheduling these appointments took months and months.
We are either #1 to #3 on "the list" now depending on age. Yet again, we have been stuck in this list mud before. Courts are closed now until the end of September, so even though we theoretically could get a referral in that time, we could not get the ball rolling until October.
But this is OK. Really. Life just keeps on getting on! We just spent 2.5 weeks camping along the Oregon coast and seeing good friends in Portland and Corvallis. Lovely, lovely time. I also started my new job last week! I am a bundle of excited nerves as I leave my classroom and enter the realm of cubicals and suits. I do think I made the right career move, however. Hubs pointed out something pretty profound the other day when he said that this is the first time I have not come home after my first day back in overwhelmed tears.
Sorry that checking in with my blog still does not reveal that exciting REFERRAL! news we have all been waiting for, but I do appreciate you still checking in on things.
There was a wave of referrals a month ago. I get chills thinking of my friend I have met through our agency. They have been on the wait list for over three years (but really, due to road blocks, about the same amount of time we have been in process) and as I type this, they are in ET meeting their 4 year old twins for the first time. They have no other children, so the significance of this union is amazing!
That is one good thing. Since referrals are going at the rate of pudding through a filter, it is just a matter of weeks to get scheduled a court and embassy date (meaning actually bringing your kids home!). Not long ago, scheduling these appointments took months and months.
We are either #1 to #3 on "the list" now depending on age. Yet again, we have been stuck in this list mud before. Courts are closed now until the end of September, so even though we theoretically could get a referral in that time, we could not get the ball rolling until October.
But this is OK. Really. Life just keeps on getting on! We just spent 2.5 weeks camping along the Oregon coast and seeing good friends in Portland and Corvallis. Lovely, lovely time. I also started my new job last week! I am a bundle of excited nerves as I leave my classroom and enter the realm of cubicals and suits. I do think I made the right career move, however. Hubs pointed out something pretty profound the other day when he said that this is the first time I have not come home after my first day back in overwhelmed tears.
Sorry that checking in with my blog still does not reveal that exciting REFERRAL! news we have all been waiting for, but I do appreciate you still checking in on things.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Ms. M Graduates!
Today was a day of celebration, indeed! Ms. M graduated! For those of you that don't know of her - Ms. M is an amazing young lady that was brought to the US at age 15 via adoption. Unfortunately, her adoption was disrupted (due to a situation not directly related to her personally), so because of this, she was sent to Job Corps to live and complete HS . I was her teacher the first day she entered an American classroom and I have been a mentor and friend since then.
Not going to sugar coat - Job Corps is tough stuff, but luckily her street smarts and positive outlook served her well and she proved valiant in a less than stellar situation. She crammed one year of H.S. coursework into 6 months and is well on her way of earning her CNA. This is a testament to her resiliency and determination.
Our family has been so fortunate to welcome her into our home on the weekends. Even though it sounds like she has made some great friends in JC, no doubt she appreciates a quiet room with a laptop at her disposal where she can catch up on her Facebook and ET dramas. Having her here is the perfect excuse to go out for ET food (we now have three local eats!). We have also fit in some fun "girl time" picking through second hand stores for the perfect outfit or vegging out on the couch for a teen flick marathon. All the while, our family soaks up the valued lesson she has to teach us regarding ET culture. She tells us that "your adoption is taking so long because God is just waiting to find you the most perfect child for your family." She has been a tremendous motivator for us to stick with it by her sweet words of encouragement. Oh, and have I mentioned that the Kid has a serious crush? He does. Can you blame him?
(Ms. M and a wonderful Ethiopian woman that has taken her under her wing)
As of this very moment, her future is unclear. The only known she holds on to is that she wants to go to college to become a nurse. With great effort to keep her eye on the goal, she is striving to look beyond the potential hazy twists and turns that being a young women in a foreign country can present without a solid (family) support system. Only she can decide which option has the best opportunities or is the lesser of two evils - depending on how she might look at it. She will have to work for a year to be able to apply for financial aide for college, so is that going to be here in Utah where she has few supports yet is cheaper to live, or join her dearest friends in NYC and try to navigate her independence there? I am betting on the second as she is 100% city girl (grew up on the streets of Addis Ababa) and has that savvy about her, but only time will tell. All I know is that if anyone can make it - she can!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Changes...
After 16 years in the profession, I am now ending the chapter of being a teacher. I have accepted a specialist job for my school district. It will be new and difficult, I am sure. It is a change - which is good - but still scary as hell.
As most of you know, I have been a Resource Teacher (for what feels an eternity). In fact, I was the only one at my H.S. this last year due to nasty budget cuts. My caseload has included mild learning disabilities, high functioning autism/Aspergers, and a variety of behavioral disorders. I have taught English, Reading, Government, and co-taught Biology.
I sincerely believe that the population of kids I have worked with are getting harder. As a teacher and case manager, I used to feel like I sat in their passenger seat and acted as a navigating support. I now increasingly feel like I am pulling their car with a rope through the mud. And with square tires. For every 10 very difficult situations, there was 1 positive. After time, that 1 positive is not enough fuel to keep the fire going.
I will miss my interactions most of all. I have worked with some wonderful students, parents, and staff throughout the years and it is hard to give that up. I have loved being the cheerleader for these kids that have faced hard knocks. But at the same time, my job has not been all roses. The paperwork is endless and the compliancy stuff is continuously shoveled on to an already overflowing plate. Even though I have worked with some amazing students, there are an equal amount that are very challenging and don't seem to care. Let me take that back ... I believe that they ALL do care, but it is often extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to find their spark. And really, who has the time? I have not even been able to take a lunch since 2009 and put in countless overtime hours, let alone finding the time to really sit and work with a student 1:1 in order to peal down their layers.
The last few months of this year has really sucked me dry. Besides bending over backwards to create engaging and interesting lesson plans that they still grumble at and usually don't do anyway - I had one of my favorite students get hauled away in handcuffs, another was fired from a job (that we fought for him to get) for stealing, and anther's head slammed the desk as he passed out from his daily drug of choice (and no - it was not because of his claim that he fell asleep because he found my lesson on the Executive Branch as "boring as sh*t").
The final straw was on the last day of class. I had worked with this one student for 3 years. She was not a particularly easy student to work with, but I saw past that and grew very fond of her. During the last few minutes of class, she came up to my desk. I was assuming (hoping) we would exchange some kind words with each other for a good-bye, but instead, she asked if she could leave class 3 minutes early to go to the bathroom. Before I had the chance to even look at the clock and process the question, she started to throw a fit about it JUST being 3 minutes, and what's the big deal, and like OH MY GOD!!!, (etc.). Mind you, this was a typical exchange between us. I let her go, then let the rest of my class leave 3 minutes later. As I closed the door behind my last student, I started to cry. I cried because I knew that I cared more than (she) they did, and I just felt drained. Absolutely spent. She stomped out of my room never to see me again - most likely never to give another thought of her nagging teacher, but I will never forget her.
Realistically, I do know that I did a lot for this girl that she probably appreciated along the way. I also know she would not have stepped up to that graduation podium without the supports (ie - daily battles and hoops to that were jumped through) that I implemented for her - and I know that is a big something to someones life. Logically, I also should not expect her to care or think of saying "Thank You" largely in part of her disability to process that sort of stuff. I used to be OK with this, but not anymore. It was at that moment that I knew I was starting to internalize too much and was just not resilient enough for this anymore, so I got on the computer and warmed up my resume.
Yes, this might throw a wrench into the adoption plans as I feel it would be a disaster to get a referral the first few months on the job, but I decided that I will cross that bridge when/if that happens. Even on Monday I got a frantic email from my caseworker that I better get that new paperwork in because they are expecting not only one, but TWO referral waves shortly. As I hear this, I now sigh and roll my eyes. I have no more fingers and toes to count with how many times this last 5 years I have heard that one.
I just need to face the facts:
1) Last year at this time, we were #6 and now we are #8.
2) There has not been a referral for a youngster in over a year.
3) I need to now choose to continue on with my life - and try to get back to my "happy place". I have put enough on hold, which has just about led me to lose my sanity. What good would I be as an adoptive mom that's been made crazy as a loon with the wait? I am moving on for sanity's sake and just hope that the cards fall into place from here on out... if a referral should ever manifest
As most of you know, I have been a Resource Teacher (for what feels an eternity). In fact, I was the only one at my H.S. this last year due to nasty budget cuts. My caseload has included mild learning disabilities, high functioning autism/Aspergers, and a variety of behavioral disorders. I have taught English, Reading, Government, and co-taught Biology.
I sincerely believe that the population of kids I have worked with are getting harder. As a teacher and case manager, I used to feel like I sat in their passenger seat and acted as a navigating support. I now increasingly feel like I am pulling their car with a rope through the mud. And with square tires. For every 10 very difficult situations, there was 1 positive. After time, that 1 positive is not enough fuel to keep the fire going.
I will miss my interactions most of all. I have worked with some wonderful students, parents, and staff throughout the years and it is hard to give that up. I have loved being the cheerleader for these kids that have faced hard knocks. But at the same time, my job has not been all roses. The paperwork is endless and the compliancy stuff is continuously shoveled on to an already overflowing plate. Even though I have worked with some amazing students, there are an equal amount that are very challenging and don't seem to care. Let me take that back ... I believe that they ALL do care, but it is often extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to find their spark. And really, who has the time? I have not even been able to take a lunch since 2009 and put in countless overtime hours, let alone finding the time to really sit and work with a student 1:1 in order to peal down their layers.
The last few months of this year has really sucked me dry. Besides bending over backwards to create engaging and interesting lesson plans that they still grumble at and usually don't do anyway - I had one of my favorite students get hauled away in handcuffs, another was fired from a job (that we fought for him to get) for stealing, and anther's head slammed the desk as he passed out from his daily drug of choice (and no - it was not because of his claim that he fell asleep because he found my lesson on the Executive Branch as "boring as sh*t").
The final straw was on the last day of class. I had worked with this one student for 3 years. She was not a particularly easy student to work with, but I saw past that and grew very fond of her. During the last few minutes of class, she came up to my desk. I was assuming (hoping) we would exchange some kind words with each other for a good-bye, but instead, she asked if she could leave class 3 minutes early to go to the bathroom. Before I had the chance to even look at the clock and process the question, she started to throw a fit about it JUST being 3 minutes, and what's the big deal, and like OH MY GOD!!!, (etc.). Mind you, this was a typical exchange between us. I let her go, then let the rest of my class leave 3 minutes later. As I closed the door behind my last student, I started to cry. I cried because I knew that I cared more than (she) they did, and I just felt drained. Absolutely spent. She stomped out of my room never to see me again - most likely never to give another thought of her nagging teacher, but I will never forget her.
Realistically, I do know that I did a lot for this girl that she probably appreciated along the way. I also know she would not have stepped up to that graduation podium without the supports (ie - daily battles and hoops to that were jumped through) that I implemented for her - and I know that is a big something to someones life. Logically, I also should not expect her to care or think of saying "Thank You" largely in part of her disability to process that sort of stuff. I used to be OK with this, but not anymore. It was at that moment that I knew I was starting to internalize too much and was just not resilient enough for this anymore, so I got on the computer and warmed up my resume.
Yes, this might throw a wrench into the adoption plans as I feel it would be a disaster to get a referral the first few months on the job, but I decided that I will cross that bridge when/if that happens. Even on Monday I got a frantic email from my caseworker that I better get that new paperwork in because they are expecting not only one, but TWO referral waves shortly. As I hear this, I now sigh and roll my eyes. I have no more fingers and toes to count with how many times this last 5 years I have heard that one.
I just need to face the facts:
1) Last year at this time, we were #6 and now we are #8.
2) There has not been a referral for a youngster in over a year.
3) I need to now choose to continue on with my life - and try to get back to my "happy place". I have put enough on hold, which has just about led me to lose my sanity. What good would I be as an adoptive mom that's been made crazy as a loon with the wait? I am moving on for sanity's sake and just hope that the cards fall into place from here on out... if a referral should ever manifest
Monday, May 21, 2012
Why so long? (blog share)
Nope. No news. Nada.
HOWEVER....
About the only good part of this whole crappy adoption is the friends I've made in process. Some I've met in person (such as Tina - whom I now consider a very good friend) and friends that I have met while sharing emails, blogs, etc. We are all just people. We are all just moms with maternal holes in our hearts and pits in our stomachs resulting from a process that has had too many bumps and has taken too long.
I have found much comfort, solace, and wisdom from these fine ladies. One friend, in particular, has been very resourceful in times of need. Her name is Zoe and she has a real talent for putting her calming perspective into written word. She has an amazing blog (slowmama.com) that every woman needs to subscribe to! She is ahead of us on the WACAP list and has been waiting almost one year longer to adopt siblings. Poor thing. I am holding our for her just as much as I am for us.
She recently did an excellent job writing about exactly what is going on with Ethiopian adoptions and why this has been dragging out. Luckily she was willing to let me share.
slowmama.com/adoption-2/why-weve-been-waiting-so-long/
HOWEVER....
About the only good part of this whole crappy adoption is the friends I've made in process. Some I've met in person (such as Tina - whom I now consider a very good friend) and friends that I have met while sharing emails, blogs, etc. We are all just people. We are all just moms with maternal holes in our hearts and pits in our stomachs resulting from a process that has had too many bumps and has taken too long.
I have found much comfort, solace, and wisdom from these fine ladies. One friend, in particular, has been very resourceful in times of need. Her name is Zoe and she has a real talent for putting her calming perspective into written word. She has an amazing blog (slowmama.com) that every woman needs to subscribe to! She is ahead of us on the WACAP list and has been waiting almost one year longer to adopt siblings. Poor thing. I am holding our for her just as much as I am for us.
She recently did an excellent job writing about exactly what is going on with Ethiopian adoptions and why this has been dragging out. Luckily she was willing to let me share.
slowmama.com/adoption-2/why-weve-been-waiting-so-long/
Sunday, April 29, 2012
ho-hum....
And the wait goes on. In 3 weeks, it will be our TWO YEAR wait anniversary. Ugh.
I am sure that many of you peeking at my blog were hoping, after my last post, that there would be great "referral!" news, and I am sorry there is not. Bless you, however, for sticking this out with us.
The good news is that there are referrals again - older children and sibling sets so far! This has broken a 10 month drought. Whew!
The bad news is that, as always, we hear these same words from our caseworker, "Well, this paper chase certainly is longer than we expected...". We have also moved backward on the list; something about people coming off of a "hold", increasing their age request, etc. We are now #8. Lordy.
I admit - I wish that WACAP did not send out that email a few weeks ago (indicating big news is coming very soon) because that sent myself and several other families on an emotional tizzy. I am much more calm now that that storm has died down, but I find myself getting increasingly frustrated at the wait. I question everything, which mostly leads to finger pointing at our agency not doing a their job well. But then I read snippets such as this Wall Street Journal article:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304811304577368243366708110.html
and this dishes me out a nice big dose of reality check. Maybe it is a good thing that it is a longer wait because we did pick this agency for their ethics, after all, and it seems that by doing the job we expect them to do equals longer waits. Over and over I hear that they are slower because they want to hand pick good orphanages and triple check the process to ensure that they are really adopting out orphans. I confess that I have kicked myself several times lately for not going with other agencies that are delivering on their promises of infant referrals under a year - but then I get realistic. I consider myself now a fairly savvy adopter and believe that agencies with quick turn-arounds are dabbling in some of the sketchy practices highlighted in this article. Wouldn't I rather wait 2 years to get a legit orphan than 1 year participating in an adoption that might have been formed under false pretenses? Absolutely. (I italicised "might" because I do believe that the majority of adoptions have happened for the right reasons. It is those few bad seeded agencies that have spoiled the bunch)
But.... how long are we going to hang on to this dream of ours? Not sure. It really is a day-to-day decision process at this point.
And please don't worry, folks. I know that I concerned some in my last post that I was about to be committed, but I am not. This roller coaster is our new norm and I am finding ways to maneuver my emotions to adapt. It has been a beautiful spring here in Utah and my mind is consumed with purchasing and planting trees on our property and building/planting the Kid's garden. Being outside in the sun does the mind good!
I am sure that many of you peeking at my blog were hoping, after my last post, that there would be great "referral!" news, and I am sorry there is not. Bless you, however, for sticking this out with us.
The good news is that there are referrals again - older children and sibling sets so far! This has broken a 10 month drought. Whew!
The bad news is that, as always, we hear these same words from our caseworker, "Well, this paper chase certainly is longer than we expected...". We have also moved backward on the list; something about people coming off of a "hold", increasing their age request, etc. We are now #8. Lordy.
I admit - I wish that WACAP did not send out that email a few weeks ago (indicating big news is coming very soon) because that sent myself and several other families on an emotional tizzy. I am much more calm now that that storm has died down, but I find myself getting increasingly frustrated at the wait. I question everything, which mostly leads to finger pointing at our agency not doing a their job well. But then I read snippets such as this Wall Street Journal article:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304811304577368243366708110.html
and this dishes me out a nice big dose of reality check. Maybe it is a good thing that it is a longer wait because we did pick this agency for their ethics, after all, and it seems that by doing the job we expect them to do equals longer waits. Over and over I hear that they are slower because they want to hand pick good orphanages and triple check the process to ensure that they are really adopting out orphans. I confess that I have kicked myself several times lately for not going with other agencies that are delivering on their promises of infant referrals under a year - but then I get realistic. I consider myself now a fairly savvy adopter and believe that agencies with quick turn-arounds are dabbling in some of the sketchy practices highlighted in this article. Wouldn't I rather wait 2 years to get a legit orphan than 1 year participating in an adoption that might have been formed under false pretenses? Absolutely. (I italicised "might" because I do believe that the majority of adoptions have happened for the right reasons. It is those few bad seeded agencies that have spoiled the bunch)
But.... how long are we going to hang on to this dream of ours? Not sure. It really is a day-to-day decision process at this point.
And please don't worry, folks. I know that I concerned some in my last post that I was about to be committed, but I am not. This roller coaster is our new norm and I am finding ways to maneuver my emotions to adapt. It has been a beautiful spring here in Utah and my mind is consumed with purchasing and planting trees on our property and building/planting the Kid's garden. Being outside in the sun does the mind good!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Just trying to keep my sh*t together.
So.... Friday we get this email from WACAP (sent to all families). It stated that there are several children in their new orphanage (in the north) that are almost paperwork ready. They said that even WACAP support staff are there offering to help expedite things, and that every day they go into work thinking, "Today is the day that we can call our families with referrals!". Then, today I get an email only saying, "It looks like this is almost the time!" ..... and included some attachment paperwork stuff that we better update so that everything will be in perfect order when we go.
(And that paperwork stuff really is just minor in the realm of adoption paperwork, but still requires more essays, confessing your sins, fingerprinting, medical probes, and hiring a notary to ride around with you to do all of this. At this point ... being that this is the FORTH time we have had to do this exact updating .... I would really opt to take a bite out of a piece of crap if the choice were presented, but anyhoo....)
Surely WACAP would not be bluffing us, would they? Because unless they are just stupid, they must know that there are probably 100+ people that would jump on a plane, kick down the WACAP door, and then do some serious pillaging - which would include tar and feathering.
So, what happens if this is just emotional set-up #57 and the ET government decides to whip out another unthinkable road block before the last piece of these children's paperwork gets processed? Well, luckily, I have learned how to get back to that more "Zenful" place and feel confident I will get there again.... eventually. Following through with the the "Plan B" of Disneyland will help - then using our adoption money (because we would stop at that point) to buy a sledge hammer to knock down some walls then then tear down the 70's stone fire place with my bare fingers might be therapeutic, too.
(And that paperwork stuff really is just minor in the realm of adoption paperwork, but still requires more essays, confessing your sins, fingerprinting, medical probes, and hiring a notary to ride around with you to do all of this. At this point ... being that this is the FORTH time we have had to do this exact updating .... I would really opt to take a bite out of a piece of crap if the choice were presented, but anyhoo....)
Surely WACAP would not be bluffing us, would they? Because unless they are just stupid, they must know that there are probably 100+ people that would jump on a plane, kick down the WACAP door, and then do some serious pillaging - which would include tar and feathering.
There are a few differences with these emails that gives me hope that they are not entirely stupid. First of all, they have never publicly announced that there are children almost ready for referral, so I can't help but think that this is the real deal. When my caseworker has given me indication directly on the phone in the past, I think she does this in desperation after an hour of trying to steer me away from stepping off a cliff.
Second, when I have heard that there are children almost ready for referral, they were in the southern part of ET. Being that these poor children in the south were highly susceptible of not being legit orphans, the paperwork had to filter down through mounds of red tape, so we always knew that it might not work out. And it didn't. For some reason, adoptions are going strong in the north and many agencies are well back up to speed with their adoptions in this region.
Now, every logical fiber in my body is telling me to pull the reigns. Sloooow down, Nelly! "The last little bit of paperwork" in adoption language could really interpret, "The last little bit of paperwork that will only take FOUR MONTHS to complete!"
But... I have this week off for spring break, and believe it or not, I actually WISH I were working to just keep my mind off of it all.That whole philosophy I thought I had taken on of being calm, cool, and relaxed while putting those emotions up on a shelf went out the window the minute I opened that email from WACAP. I am so full of anxiety and nerves, I fear I might just crawl out of my skin at any minute. When I open the WACAP boards and emails from WACAP friends, they are so full of optimism and excitement that I can't help but spontaneously start doing jump splits in the air. Thank God for a long hallway so I can spend the day pacing up and down, then stop to check my email, then pace, then check, pace, check, pace, check, then go to my Zumba class down the street where I can shake it real hard. Shake it reeeal hard, baby. Oh, yeah. Just sweat out all of that pent up CRAZY!
And then the Kid's homework yesterday was to read a book about and write a page on having a baby brother/sister, and what you would do to help out. The Kid wrote, "If I get my sister from Ethiopia, I will milk her, teach her English, and love her." It was all I could do to get him through this assignment, calmly walk away to my room, and then scream into my pillow.
I thank my lucky stars for Tina. She is firmly #1 on the referral list and has been my rock (next to Husband) through this. She lives near me, so lately we have been meeting up to lament over our woes, have a drink, go for brisk walks, and more often than not - do all three at the same time.
But... I have this week off for spring break, and believe it or not, I actually WISH I were working to just keep my mind off of it all.That whole philosophy I thought I had taken on of being calm, cool, and relaxed while putting those emotions up on a shelf went out the window the minute I opened that email from WACAP. I am so full of anxiety and nerves, I fear I might just crawl out of my skin at any minute. When I open the WACAP boards and emails from WACAP friends, they are so full of optimism and excitement that I can't help but spontaneously start doing jump splits in the air. Thank God for a long hallway so I can spend the day pacing up and down, then stop to check my email, then pace, then check, pace, check, pace, check, then go to my Zumba class down the street where I can shake it real hard. Shake it reeeal hard, baby. Oh, yeah. Just sweat out all of that pent up CRAZY!
And then the Kid's homework yesterday was to read a book about and write a page on having a baby brother/sister, and what you would do to help out. The Kid wrote, "If I get my sister from Ethiopia, I will milk her, teach her English, and love her." It was all I could do to get him through this assignment, calmly walk away to my room, and then scream into my pillow.
I thank my lucky stars for Tina. She is firmly #1 on the referral list and has been my rock (next to Husband) through this. She lives near me, so lately we have been meeting up to lament over our woes, have a drink, go for brisk walks, and more often than not - do all three at the same time.
AAAUUUGGGHHH... please send good, positive vibes out there for us. I have written 87 posts on this blog full of ups and downs that include heartbreaks, hopes, fears, excitement, and frustration. For the sake of all involved, I really, REALLY hope that post number 88 will be the best one yet!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Q&A
Just sharing some frequently asked questions lately - mostly revolving around the big question that is, "What the hell is going on with that adoption of yours?"
Q: So, where's the referral?
A: Good question! I ask that myself every day (well, more like every hour). Latest news is that our agency is still establishing relationships with those new orphanages, and that there are children getting their paperwork ready so that hopefully in a few weeks until they can be referred. That is about it, and yes.... it does sounds like a broken record. This is the answer we usually get in a round-about sort of way from our agency, so really nothing can be said anymore that holds much value or excitement. Lately there has been a lot of speculation as to whether or not our agency is being upfront with us regarding the long lag in referrals (10 months). We wonder if our agency has burned some bridges. We wonder if there is enough representation in Ethiopia. We just wonder. Wonder (pound our heads), wonder (cry a river), wonder (develop nervous tics). The bottom line is that WACAP has a stellar reputation in the world of adoption for using strict ethical standards. Possibly they have made some wrong choices or did not act fast enough on their choices, but we can trust that in the end, we will get a child that is truly an orphan. If people reading this know an ounce of what has been going on in international adoption, you will know that this is BIG. If we were to have adopted even a year ago, our child might have come to us via horrific circumstances. I still believe that international adoption is on the brink of ending because of this. It must be an impossible 100% guarantee to regulate a business that deals solely with humans and money.
Q: How long have you been waiting now?
A: Five.....long.....tormenting....years. In process, we have learned that we must have some self destructive tendencies. Seriously. That, or we are stark raving lunatics. Maybe a combo of both?
Q: Why do you stick with it?
A: Not really sure. It must be because we are self destructive, stark raving lunatics. We were ready to scrap the whole thing a while ago, but then little things keep us going. For instance, what usually happens right after a houseful of scrappy, silly, naughty, adorable playdate kids leave. The Kid mainly just walks around the house aimlessly with a "now what?" expression while Husband and I collapse on the couch (with a stiff drink in hand) to debate over which one is more tired - always ending those conversations with, "...but still, having a house full of children just feels right." Or like when our friends with wee girls come over to our house and they somehow just Velcro onto Husband. I see the way his face lights up as he totes them around. Or yesterday when the kid said out of the blue, "If I had just one wish, it would be to turn our cat into a brother or sister." The bottom line is that we have our paperwork updated, we are at the top of the list for referral, so why not?
Q: What will be the cut-off point?
A: Every three months, Husband and I sit down to decide if we want to continue with adoption. To be brutally honest, we are not in it as much emotionally anymore, so if things don't start moving soon, I think that we will have evolved to a place where we can just stop. Turn around. Walk away. Have no regrets. We will always feel that loss, but we will be okay. We have a pretty good thing going here now with just the three of us. We've got our groove on. We could have a better thing with another child.... or not. We are much more cognitive these days; not having knee-jerk emotional reactions to every twist and turn. In fact, even when we get the referral, I am pretty certain it is no longer going to be this drop to our knees with swelling eyes and snotty noses, raising our arms to heavens with praises of, "Hallelujah Lord... thank you for bringing this child to us!" type of moment. In fact, I really think that this will be a very profound, digging really deep type of moment - possibly one of the biggest ones we will ever have to endure. In the meantime, we are just sort of moving on. I am going to start to interview shortly for new job/profession (keep your fingers crossed as it is MUCH needed). I am thinking of possibly going back to school (if the job search does not turn out). We are planning a trip to Disneyland in July. We are simply no longer in that perpetual hold. That really sucked and we did it for too long.
Q: Will you try another country or domestic if this does not work out?
A: No.
Q: Five years waiting from Ethiopia?
A: Nope. We (wasted) 3 years with another agency hoping for an adoption from Taiwan. Back then, we were quoted 12 months tops. During our wait, Taiwan started promoting inter-country foster and adoptions (this is a good thing), so before when hundreds of babies were being adopted out each year, in the end it was only something like 15 per year. To make it easier to walk away, we were also working with a crappy, non-transparent agency that was being operated by a big bully. We started up with ET right after and now have been waiting for 22 months (was quoted 4-12 when started).
Q: You're nuts to increase your age request to 4 years. Don't you know that adopting an older child will ruin your family?!
A: People, we know that your intentions are good. I think (hope) that by telling us all of the scary things about adopting older is probably coming from a good heart - possibly even thinking you are helping us by sharing your knowledge - just in case we came to this decision on an uneducated whim. But rest assured, I am here to tell you now that increasing our age request was not an easy decision to come by. We did our homework (to the brink of insanity). I read and then read some more. I talked to families that have adopted older. I visited family's homes that have adopted older. I met with a child therapist. I met with my own therapist. The process of making this decision took months to make. We understand the risks and are in hopes for the rewards. If the worst happens and we adopt a child that comes to us wounded or has a difficult transition, Husband and I feel that we are strong enough to face this. It is a big scary pool to dive into blindfolded, but obviously, it is a decision that we have come to because we feel it is what is best for our family. It really is personal one that we don't expect anyone to understand, nor one that we want to debate or defend. And there are also not all scary stories, by the way. I fact, I am hearing just as many such stories from those that have adopted infants. There have been some lovely outcomes of adopting older children - many happy families in our town. The Kid is good little buddies with a boy in his extended day that came home last summer at age 4 from China, even!
Q: I am never sure if I should bring it up. Do you like to talk about it?
A: This is such a complicated thing right now. I don't usually bring it up because it hurts. In fact, it is the most excruciating thing we have ever been through, so I often find it hard to put that into words. It is also a little embarrassing, in an odd sort of way. A fellow waiting-to-adopt friend of mine put it perfectly. She said that sometimes she dreads going into a social situation in case it is brought up and she'll have to come up with a condensed, complicate answer that even she doesn't understand, or she fears that it won't be brought up because people don't care anymore. The bottom line is do whatever you want! :) Really. If you ask, I promise I won't burst into tears and you will get a short, complicated answer. If you don't, well, that is OK, too.
Q: So, where's the referral?
A: Good question! I ask that myself every day (well, more like every hour). Latest news is that our agency is still establishing relationships with those new orphanages, and that there are children getting their paperwork ready so that hopefully in a few weeks until they can be referred. That is about it, and yes.... it does sounds like a broken record. This is the answer we usually get in a round-about sort of way from our agency, so really nothing can be said anymore that holds much value or excitement. Lately there has been a lot of speculation as to whether or not our agency is being upfront with us regarding the long lag in referrals (10 months). We wonder if our agency has burned some bridges. We wonder if there is enough representation in Ethiopia. We just wonder. Wonder (pound our heads), wonder (cry a river), wonder (develop nervous tics). The bottom line is that WACAP has a stellar reputation in the world of adoption for using strict ethical standards. Possibly they have made some wrong choices or did not act fast enough on their choices, but we can trust that in the end, we will get a child that is truly an orphan. If people reading this know an ounce of what has been going on in international adoption, you will know that this is BIG. If we were to have adopted even a year ago, our child might have come to us via horrific circumstances. I still believe that international adoption is on the brink of ending because of this. It must be an impossible 100% guarantee to regulate a business that deals solely with humans and money.
Q: How long have you been waiting now?
A: Five.....long.....tormenting....years. In process, we have learned that we must have some self destructive tendencies. Seriously. That, or we are stark raving lunatics. Maybe a combo of both?
Q: Why do you stick with it?
A: Not really sure. It must be because we are self destructive, stark raving lunatics. We were ready to scrap the whole thing a while ago, but then little things keep us going. For instance, what usually happens right after a houseful of scrappy, silly, naughty, adorable playdate kids leave. The Kid mainly just walks around the house aimlessly with a "now what?" expression while Husband and I collapse on the couch (with a stiff drink in hand) to debate over which one is more tired - always ending those conversations with, "...but still, having a house full of children just feels right." Or like when our friends with wee girls come over to our house and they somehow just Velcro onto Husband. I see the way his face lights up as he totes them around. Or yesterday when the kid said out of the blue, "If I had just one wish, it would be to turn our cat into a brother or sister." The bottom line is that we have our paperwork updated, we are at the top of the list for referral, so why not?
Q: What will be the cut-off point?
A: Every three months, Husband and I sit down to decide if we want to continue with adoption. To be brutally honest, we are not in it as much emotionally anymore, so if things don't start moving soon, I think that we will have evolved to a place where we can just stop. Turn around. Walk away. Have no regrets. We will always feel that loss, but we will be okay. We have a pretty good thing going here now with just the three of us. We've got our groove on. We could have a better thing with another child.... or not. We are much more cognitive these days; not having knee-jerk emotional reactions to every twist and turn. In fact, even when we get the referral, I am pretty certain it is no longer going to be this drop to our knees with swelling eyes and snotty noses, raising our arms to heavens with praises of, "Hallelujah Lord... thank you for bringing this child to us!" type of moment. In fact, I really think that this will be a very profound, digging really deep type of moment - possibly one of the biggest ones we will ever have to endure. In the meantime, we are just sort of moving on. I am going to start to interview shortly for new job/profession (keep your fingers crossed as it is MUCH needed). I am thinking of possibly going back to school (if the job search does not turn out). We are planning a trip to Disneyland in July. We are simply no longer in that perpetual hold. That really sucked and we did it for too long.
Q: Will you try another country or domestic if this does not work out?
A: No.
Q: Five years waiting from Ethiopia?
A: Nope. We (wasted) 3 years with another agency hoping for an adoption from Taiwan. Back then, we were quoted 12 months tops. During our wait, Taiwan started promoting inter-country foster and adoptions (this is a good thing), so before when hundreds of babies were being adopted out each year, in the end it was only something like 15 per year. To make it easier to walk away, we were also working with a crappy, non-transparent agency that was being operated by a big bully. We started up with ET right after and now have been waiting for 22 months (was quoted 4-12 when started).
Q: You're nuts to increase your age request to 4 years. Don't you know that adopting an older child will ruin your family?!
A: People, we know that your intentions are good. I think (hope) that by telling us all of the scary things about adopting older is probably coming from a good heart - possibly even thinking you are helping us by sharing your knowledge - just in case we came to this decision on an uneducated whim. But rest assured, I am here to tell you now that increasing our age request was not an easy decision to come by. We did our homework (to the brink of insanity). I read and then read some more. I talked to families that have adopted older. I visited family's homes that have adopted older. I met with a child therapist. I met with my own therapist. The process of making this decision took months to make. We understand the risks and are in hopes for the rewards. If the worst happens and we adopt a child that comes to us wounded or has a difficult transition, Husband and I feel that we are strong enough to face this. It is a big scary pool to dive into blindfolded, but obviously, it is a decision that we have come to because we feel it is what is best for our family. It really is personal one that we don't expect anyone to understand, nor one that we want to debate or defend. And there are also not all scary stories, by the way. I fact, I am hearing just as many such stories from those that have adopted infants. There have been some lovely outcomes of adopting older children - many happy families in our town. The Kid is good little buddies with a boy in his extended day that came home last summer at age 4 from China, even!
Q: I am never sure if I should bring it up. Do you like to talk about it?
A: This is such a complicated thing right now. I don't usually bring it up because it hurts. In fact, it is the most excruciating thing we have ever been through, so I often find it hard to put that into words. It is also a little embarrassing, in an odd sort of way. A fellow waiting-to-adopt friend of mine put it perfectly. She said that sometimes she dreads going into a social situation in case it is brought up and she'll have to come up with a condensed, complicate answer that even she doesn't understand, or she fears that it won't be brought up because people don't care anymore. The bottom line is do whatever you want! :) Really. If you ask, I promise I won't burst into tears and you will get a short, complicated answer. If you don't, well, that is OK, too.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Another update with a little Kung Fu on the side
Our WACAP representatives got back from from ET last week and it sounds like it was a productive trip. They have decided to stop partnering with the orphanages in the south. That was the only region that WACAP had been partnering with, and unfortunately for many orphans in the area that are stuck in the red tape, there has been an indefinite hold for any orphan to be adopted from that region, so WACAP decided to go elsewhere. I'm sure that saddens WACAP to move on (as they were dedicated to that region and am sure they have first handed seen the need to place children with homes), but I think they decided to set their sight on areas that CAN place children. Even though I am sure there are heavy hearts, no doubt the WACAP waiting families are breathing a sigh of relief in that we may be able to finally see some referral movement. It has been EIGHT MONTHS since our last referral. Geesh!
The next few weeks, WACAP is finalizing partnership agreements with some new orphanages in the northern most part of Ethiopia. This is an area that WACAP has some family preservation programs (sponsorship), so have established a good relationship already with officiates. It sounds as though this area's climate is harsh, poverty is at epidemic levels, there's been years of civil unrest, a very high rate of HIV/AIDES, and minimal agencies working in this area. No doubt (and unfortunately), many orphans there are waiting for a home.
WACAP's Friday news letter said that once the partnership's loose ends are tied up, there are children waiting to be referred, so we should see some referral movement in the next few weeks - possibly up to a month. These are much easier words to read than "several months".
My husband and I have pretty much shelved our feelings on this adoption for now. Last fall, we hit an all-time-low, so our survivalist mental state made us put our feelings in a tin can, place it on the top shelf, and push it back out of sight. At one time, our reactions were of such highs and lows to all adoption news, but now our affects are flat. Who knows what to believe or trust with this process, really. We were told "expect a call in a month" a year ago, so even though I am updating this blog for you all, our reactions to this news was just a, "Neh....". If that call ever comes, I am very interested to see how we will react.
In the meantime, the world keeps revolving for our little man. He is now SIX years old (did I really just type that)? He is in love with learning, is loving and kind to his friends, and just skipped a whole level in skiing today - going from level 2 (where he had plateaued for 2 years) to a level 4! He also knows every word to his Justin Berber CD, is insistent that he grow his hair out like a rock star, and is so proud that he just did this.....
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Blogger share
Just because I think that this is a great blog to share (really captures that Mother/Son relationship), and because I feel I must do something from keeping this blog from getting stagnant (no news yet, but finally our agency reps are physically in ET advocating for referral movement and building new partnerships with one of the many overflowing orphanages in the Northern part of ET).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)