On a high note, we seem to have wrapped our heads around an older adoption and feel pretty okay with it. Officially, we are now on the wait list for a girl, ages 2-5. Fear had gripped us with bringing an older child into our home; all we could link "older" to was scary words such as RAD (reactive attachment disorder). But truthfully, we eventually just got honest with our feelings in that we have simply aged our of "baby". It just does not feel right for our stages in life anymore and we had to make the choice that if wanted to move forward with adoption, it was going to be older or nothing.
The more we investigated older adoptions by reading, taking classes, and talking to families, the more we realized it is mostly about the child's inherent disposition and resiliency more than anything. Adoption is trauma and loss to these youngsters - to babies and toddlers. I have now heard almost equal stories of 6 month babies not transitioning well and 6 year old blending in perfectly with an adoptive family. We are fully aware that adoption always holds more risks and older can be more challenging at first, but more than ever, we have accepted that things will be the way they will be. Life. There are just no guarantees.
The low note is the reality that things are still not looking good for ET adoptions. In fact, they are looking worse. Let me explain what is going on over there the best way that I understand.
A + B + C
A: A child becomes "referral ready" at an affiliated orphanage. With the restructuring of adoptions via ET government this last year, "referral ready" means a rather stringent process (including an investigation) to ensure that the child is a true orphan. The ET government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays. In the end, a much coveted MOWA letter is issues stating that the orphaned child is legitimate. Where I am still a bit hazy is where in this process the child is matched with a family. It would be the most logical to assume that the child would be matched after the sign, sealed, and delivered MOWA letter, but I am hearing too many families getting matched and flying to ET for their court date without the letter being issued. ??? Anyhow, now to.....
B: The family flies out, spends time with the child, starts the bonding and loving, then goes to court and adopts the child. Let me repeat, ADOPTS THE CHILD. The family then leaves back to the states leaving the child there while .....
C: The US Embassy gets their paperwork in order. Again, for reasons I am not entirely clear, there has been some changes with how the Embassy is processing these children's paperwork (visa, passports, etc). Apparently, the US government is skeptical of the ET government process of orphan investigation (?), so they are conducting their own paper chase. The US government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays (hmmm... sound familiar?). IF... WHEN... the child passes the second round of investigations, then the family can fly back to ET to pick up their child(ren) to bring them home.
I am all about making double sure that a child is legitimately an orphan, but last week our adoption agency sent our a dreadful email to our waiting families and we are all shaken to the core. There were a handful of babies referred out last June (the last wave of referrals). Somewhere between B and C, these children we relocated to a new facility that was acting as an interim between the recently closed down orphanage. Details have been limited and are still leaking out, but I believe that these children were already adopted by their families and their was a hold-up in the US Embassy process. I have heard rumors that these families were searching for their children's status and locations. Apparently, wherever they were, they were languishing and WACAP got word that 3 of the referred babies have died.
My heart has been breaking for those dear babies and loving families. I have been mourning the potential loss of the "idea" of our daughter, so I can't imagine what these families are going through that have already started to attached (and adopted!) to a specific child.
WACAP sounded outraged in their email stating that the US and ET government is failing these children by their delays and uncoordinated restructuring, but there are so many looming questions. I am fighting every inch of my being not to let these doubtful questions creep into my mind, but I can't help but wonder if enough was done on WACAP's behalf to provide a safe haven for these children. Even more so, I question what the HELL we are getting ourselves into.
But despite all of this, we do march on. No doubt many of you reading this may think we must be on the brink of insanity to continue (and we sort of are), but unless you have walked in our shoes, words really can't express why and how we continue on - possibly past our "December 31st" deadline. Honestly, we can't even really figure out that tug anymore. I can verbalize a few feelings to express where we are at today, however.
There are 118 waiting families with WACAP. By changing our referral request, we are now in the #2 spot for age 2-4 referral and #1 for age 5. That is awfully close to feel that our hearts can peacefully go on with the "what-ifs" if we were to bail out now.
Husband and I have come to terms with stopping. As each day passes, we just sort of accept that we will most likely walk forward in life as our family of three. Even though we have always envisioned our family being larger and a little piece of our hearts will always feel that emptiness, we can find contentment with how things are. It would be rough at first to stop, but we know it would get easier. The Kid will be okay, too. We think.
We try our to shield him from the drama. We keep is simple, stick to the facts if we need to, but we can go through weeks without even breathing a word of the adoption within his earshot. Lately, however, we have been watching and listening to his cues and know that he is grieving this potential loss, too. More than grieving - his verbalization of grief is practically palatable and gut wrenching. He confessed how he still longed for her and begged us to tell the agency to still call us of they "find our sister" after we stop. He gets sad after we are around families with siblings. He has taken a newly adopted boy from China (in his extended day program) under his wing. He has a Baby Alive on his Christmas list so he can "have something to take care of if we don't get baby sister" (Santa might be swapping out for a guinea pig instead). Finally, just yesterday, he just about jumped out of his pants when I sat down on a seat near him. Apparently, he has an imaginary "sister friend" that he plays with. Her name is something like "Alhea" or "Mireah" and I squished her when I sat on her.
Again, I know that the kid WILL be okay if Sister never comes to us because he is happy and has a great life but add these confessions to the mix, and the signs are too big to stop just yet.
Hopefully, my next post will be of some cheerful pictures of the holidays (Grammy is coming for a visit!), and maybe even some good news in general for a change!
