Just sharing some frequently asked questions lately - mostly revolving around the big question that is, "What the hell is going on with that adoption of yours?"
Q: So, where's the referral?
A: Good question! I ask that myself every day (well, more like every hour). Latest news is that our agency is still establishing relationships with those new orphanages, and that there are children getting their paperwork ready so that hopefully in a few weeks until they can be referred. That is about it, and yes.... it does sounds like a broken record. This is the answer we usually get in a round-about sort of way from our agency, so really nothing can be said anymore that holds much value or excitement. Lately there has been a lot of speculation as to whether or not our agency is being upfront with us regarding the long lag in referrals (10 months). We wonder if our agency has burned some bridges. We wonder if there is enough representation in Ethiopia. We just wonder. Wonder (pound our heads), wonder (cry a river), wonder (develop nervous tics). The bottom line is that WACAP has a stellar reputation in the world of adoption for using strict ethical standards. Possibly they have made some wrong choices or did not act fast enough on their choices, but we can trust that in the end, we will get a child that is truly an orphan. If people reading this know an ounce of what has been going on in international adoption, you will know that this is BIG. If we were to have adopted even a year ago, our child might have come to us via horrific circumstances. I still believe that international adoption is on the brink of ending because of this. It must be an impossible 100% guarantee to regulate a business that deals solely with humans and money.
Q: How long have you been waiting now?
A: Five.....long.....tormenting....years. In process, we have learned that we must have some self destructive tendencies. Seriously. That, or we are stark raving lunatics. Maybe a combo of both?
Q: Why do you stick with it?
A: Not really sure. It must be because we are self destructive, stark raving lunatics. We were ready to scrap the whole thing a while ago, but then little things keep us going. For instance, what usually happens right after a houseful of scrappy, silly, naughty, adorable playdate kids leave. The Kid mainly just walks around the house aimlessly with a "now what?" expression while Husband and I collapse on the couch (with a stiff drink in hand) to debate over which one is more tired - always ending those conversations with, "...but still, having a house full of children just feels right." Or like when our friends with wee girls come over to our house and they somehow just Velcro onto Husband. I see the way his face lights up as he totes them around. Or yesterday when the kid said out of the blue, "If I had just one wish, it would be to turn our cat into a brother or sister." The bottom line is that we have our paperwork updated, we are at the top of the list for referral, so why not?
Q: What will be the cut-off point?
A: Every three months, Husband and I sit down to decide if we want to continue with adoption. To be brutally honest, we are not in it as much emotionally anymore, so if things don't start moving soon, I think that we will have evolved to a place where we can just stop. Turn around. Walk away. Have no regrets. We will always feel that loss, but we will be okay. We have a pretty good thing going here now with just the three of us. We've got our groove on. We could have a better thing with another child.... or not. We are much more cognitive these days; not having knee-jerk emotional reactions to every twist and turn. In fact, even when we get the referral, I am pretty certain it is no longer going to be this drop to our knees with swelling eyes and snotty noses, raising our arms to heavens with praises of, "Hallelujah Lord... thank you for bringing this child to us!" type of moment. In fact, I really think that this will be a very profound, digging really deep type of moment - possibly one of the biggest ones we will ever have to endure. In the meantime, we are just sort of moving on. I am going to start to interview shortly for new job/profession (keep your fingers crossed as it is MUCH needed). I am thinking of possibly going back to school (if the job search does not turn out). We are planning a trip to Disneyland in July. We are simply no longer in that perpetual hold. That really sucked and we did it for too long.
Q: Will you try another country or domestic if this does not work out?
A: No.
Q: Five years waiting from Ethiopia?
A: Nope. We (wasted) 3 years with another agency hoping for an adoption from Taiwan. Back then, we were quoted 12 months tops. During our wait, Taiwan started promoting inter-country foster and adoptions (this is a good thing), so before when hundreds of babies were being adopted out each year, in the end it was only something like 15 per year. To make it easier to walk away, we were also working with a crappy, non-transparent agency that was being operated by a big bully. We started up with ET right after and now have been waiting for 22 months (was quoted 4-12 when started).
Q: You're nuts to increase your age request to 4 years. Don't you know that adopting an older child will ruin your family?!
A: People, we know that your intentions are good. I think (hope) that by telling us all of the scary things about adopting older is probably coming from a good heart - possibly even thinking you are helping us by sharing your knowledge - just in case we came to this decision on an uneducated whim. But rest assured, I am here to tell you now that increasing our age request was not an easy decision to come by. We did our homework (to the brink of insanity). I read and then read some more. I talked to families that have adopted older. I visited family's homes that have adopted older. I met with a child therapist. I met with my own therapist. The process of making this decision took months to make. We understand the risks and are in hopes for the rewards. If the worst happens and we adopt a child that comes to us wounded or has a difficult transition, Husband and I feel that we are strong enough to face this. It is a big scary pool to dive into blindfolded, but obviously, it is a decision that we have come to because we feel it is what is best for our family. It really is personal one that we don't expect anyone to understand, nor one that we want to debate or defend. And there are also not all scary stories, by the way. I fact, I am hearing just as many such stories from those that have adopted infants. There have been some lovely outcomes of adopting older children - many happy families in our town. The Kid is good little buddies with a boy in his extended day that came home last summer at age 4 from China, even!
Q: I am never sure if I should bring it up. Do you like to talk about it?
A: This is such a complicated thing right now. I don't usually bring it up because it hurts. In fact, it is the most excruciating thing we have ever been through, so I often find it hard to put that into words. It is also a little embarrassing, in an odd sort of way. A fellow waiting-to-adopt friend of mine put it perfectly. She said that sometimes she dreads going into a social situation in case it is brought up and she'll have to come up with a condensed, complicate answer that even she doesn't understand, or she fears that it won't be brought up because people don't care anymore. The bottom line is do whatever you want! :) Really. If you ask, I promise I won't burst into tears and you will get a short, complicated answer. If you don't, well, that is OK, too.
