Here's the newest debate(s) swimming in my mind and I bet taking up way too much brain space.
Debate #1:
Why must I always think I need to have all things figured out for years in advance and not just have more of a "wait and see" attitude? Is it because I am a smart planner? Is it because I am just darn right silly?
Debate #2:
Did I really just consider stopping at that pink stucco house adorned with Roman style pillars and a flashy neon sign that read, "Psychic Readings" to have someone just straight up tell me how it is going to play out, therefore, guide my decision making process in the now. Am I really that desperate a control freak? Or maybe there is something to that crystal ball thing?
Debate #3:
For reasons too many to explain, and for the fact that I actually care about my job and people I work with, I need to make the decision tomorrow (really, I have 6 months, but might as well be 6 minutes in my mind) as to what my future employment is going to look like. Here's the debate:
a) Should I secure my current teaching job that I really like by taking a one year's leave (granted, if the district allows) for this next school year so that I may spend quality bonding time with our baby, then go back to my 1.0 position the following year? I have never really liked my former job(s) in my 15+ yr. career, so since the reality is that my .5 teaching hiatus (has been the intention to cut my hours from the get-go) will be temporary, is it worth it in the long run to be at this great school that is a close commute, great staff, and even greater kids to have only one full year (instead of three .5 time years) to be home with our new baby?
Or.....
b) Should I take an available .5 position at my current school next year (the current .5 resource teacher would like my 1.0 position, so we would basically switch positions) and work .5 as long as our budget will allow. Based on our calculations and the fact that I make more than Husband, we estimate that this could be 2 ... maybe 3 years at best. Then when I need to go back full time, I'll have to take a position at a new school with a 5/7 chance it will be at a much farther distance (up to 50 minutes one way) with a tougher population. I feel pretty confident that a 1.o resource teaching position will not open back up at my school for many, many years once I leave because my future replacement is already eager to permanently take the job.
Is this just clear as mud? Let me just try to further explain, then.
All along, we have been banking on me going part time and I (we) have been literally giddy with this prospect because it will be an alternate, full day schedule (two days one week and three days the next - peeeerfect!). The fact that I could actually take a break in life to have the time and energy to make sure the house is clean each night, cook healthy meals, spend quality time raising our daughter and son, be able to pick my son up from school (and not extended day), go to school functions, volunteer at his school, feeling generally balanced in my life, and the opportunity to exercise and not be literally exhausted at night just makes my heart happy. Hitting (more like crashing) into 40, and having our tornado and new baby together just sounds like an terrifically tiring combination and I am positively sure than since I already feel this way now, I KNOW I will very much regret that I won't be the parent I want if I don't take some type of hour reduction. I'll still be a good mom - just not the great one I've always wanted to be.
But then again, going back to work last week and not bawling the entire drive to work (for the first time ever) spoke volumes and I've already found myself regretful that, after a few years when I look for full time work again, I won't be coming back. This is the kind of school I would like to retire from. I also have to remind myself that we did make it work with the Kid working full time. In fact, he blossomed with the situation, so maybe we could muster the strength to do it with #2? We lucked out to find a very loving caretaker and the fact that our kids can start at Husband's school at age three is ideal. Even though I have regretted missing out on all the mom and kid time, I am so relieved that he has never complained and is one of the happiest kids I know. And mind you, however, I would only even consider doing this full time thing with #2 if we got a house keeper and yard maintenance. Standing firm on this one.
But then again, maybe something better will come up in the few years if I stick with the .5 plan .... like actually getting to use my MA in counseling for that near impossible to find counseling job? How much would it suck to just take the one year's leave to then not even go back to my school!
But then again, what if Tim gets more work/coaching (or God forbid, an actual fat raise) and we can swing it for me to work .5 for like, FOREVER, and then I can stay at my dream job? I then might as well go around twirling on my toes with the "Hallelujah" song booming down from the heavens because I think I really could not be happier with a situation!
But then again, yada, yada yada
But then again, blah, blah, blah
(3 hours later)
But then again, will our cat be happier if I am able to spend more time with her and might this prevent her massive hairballs if I do have the time to brush her more than once a year?
OK, Me, just breathe. Ommmm.............
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