I think it impossible to understand what food means to a child who has not had enough. I had read up on it, viewed some webinars, talked to other adopters regarding potential behaviors, but I totally underestimated the challenges associated with it until I became a parent to a child that has been hungry. To a child whose daily mission her first 3 years of life was finding enough food to eat and then probably still went to bed without a satisfied tummy.
I was shocked ... SHOCKED... with how much food our little one could devour when we first took custody. At one time, Hubs and I thought that is was easily more than both of us consumed on an average day. Her poor little body would tremble at the sight of food with the anxiety of Will I actually get to eat this food? Will they take it away before I finish? Will this be the last of such a glorious meal? When she got a hold of it, she would literally open her throat and cram it down. She would wake during the night and ask for bananas and eggs. Before she was totally roused out of sleep in the morning and after nap, she would start rocking back and forth crying for bananas and eggs. She. Was. Obsessed. If we even walked into the kitchen, she would be right there hanging on a pant leg and crying for food. I honestly don't think she understood the concept of preparing food. She was used to having food just handed to her on the streets or in the orphanage, so the concept of taking 15 minutes to prepare something sent her anxieties through the roof. When she got the food, she had no "off" button and would eat until she gagged. When her plate was empty, she would face plant into the plate and lick it clean. If you even dare try to take her plate with even a crumb left, she would swipe at you with her claws. Seriously - I will never forget this. Thinking she was finished, I reached to clear her bowl. I did not see that a remaining spoonful could be scrapped from the side. The way she quick-as-a-flash grabbed on to my wrist and looked at me with such ferocity, well, the only word that I can use to describe it was primal. It froze me in my tracks - and then it added to my compassion for what she must have faced in her life to lead her to such an instinctual reaction.
In the first few months that we had her, our entire day focused around food. When will we feed her next? What will we give her? How can we prepare food without her loosing it? How do we present it without her pouncing on it like a tiger? Was that portion too big? Too small? How do we describe healthy portions and that "seconds" really just mean one more helping?
Intuitively, we let it be like this at first; our days centering around food. We figured that her body just really needed good healthy food, she needed to learn that food would always be available and that she would not go to bed hungry, and that nobody was taking it from her. Most importantly, we knew that it helped comfort her during a traumatic transition.
After those first few months, however, we questioned the direction we were going with food. She was gaining weight too rapidly (turning from a bitty thing to almost tipping over into the overweight level on the charts) and her food behaviors were becoming frightening. In one of her Oh my God! Someone gave me a banana out of the context of our kitchen table, so I better cram it down my throat before it is taken away! she choked on her banana. One of those scary kinds of Heimlich and then hang the kid upside down with several blows to the back for a minute kind of scary chokes.
We consulted with a specialist and decided the best approach was to just limit her meals to healthy 3 year old portions. When she requested more food in between, always have healthy choices on hand - like an apple or an orange. And just to clarify - An apple. An orange. Not giving her free reign the entire bag of fruit like before.
Eventually her anxieties eased up. We had a bit of a respite while she was on a 21 day oral med for parasites. It zapped her appetite, so I think it actually helped her to see that we were still having mounds of food offered to her even without her asking or even wanting it. And also, when the parasites were cleared up, it was to be expected that her body would not need to crave and absorb as much nourishment.
As I write this now, we are entering a whole new ball game. One day she woke up and realized that there really were choices in the food world and that she does not have to eat everything that is placed in front of her - so now she was only going to pick foods to eat that are the most yummy! Currently these consist of about 6 things - the top choice being chicken nuggets (I know, so help me. At least I try and buy the most healthy ones), and of course, any and all sweet things that don't stick to her teeth. Above all, she is a stickler for dental hygiene. Go figure.
At dinner, it is still important to us that she be served what all others have and she needs to try a bite. If she does not eat dinner, then she does not get anything else. No, I don't let her starve and I always have a side she likes. I also offer a bedtime snack and plenty of foods in the daytime that she will eat. I do feel it important, however, to try and avoid being a short order cook and establish some parameters with food from the beginning.
Is she hording food? This is a very common question to ask with people that have faced hunger. For her, not entirely. The other day she said that she "needed privacy" and shut her bedroom door. Thinking this was suspicious behavior being that she does not normally like us to have our eyes off of her, I entered the room. She had an innocent look on her face, but I saw the little Hershey kiss stashed up her sleeve in such a crafty manner ... the kiss that we said she could not have until after dinner. This could be related to already established behaviors or a typical 3 year old thing to do, but regardless, hoarding will be something we will have to keep our eye on.
Our main priority is to teach her how to have a healthy relationship with food; making good choices, letting her know it is always there, and not always turning to it when feeling stressed and anxious (and no - I don't always have to sneak a piece of dark chocolate after a really tough day at the office. Geesh!).
I cook with her. I show her that it is a process and talk about the good things that we put into food. One of our favorite preps is morning glory muffins. Yummmmm!!
We provide healthy and (mostly) non processed food. We use words like Super power food! and Happy body food! We have little sugar in the house and no soda. She is not denied sugar, rather it is just something to have occasionally - like on a Friday night, at a party, or a treat from Santa in the Xmas stocking.
Are we doing the right thing by her with our approach to food? Who knows. We question all routes we take with her in this uncharted territory and step back frequently to assess our direction and reroute, if needed. I recon this will be a lifelong struggle for her. We will do our best to pave this way for her as smoothly as possible.
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