Another update with a little Kung Fu on the side

Our WACAP representatives got back from from ET last week and it sounds like it was a productive trip. They have decided to stop partnering with the orphanages in the south. That was the only region that WACAP had been partnering with, and unfortunately for many orphans in the area that are stuck in the red tape, there has been an indefinite hold for any orphan to be adopted from that region, so WACAP decided to go elsewhere. I'm sure that saddens WACAP to move on (as they were dedicated to that region and am sure they have first handed seen the need to place children with homes), but I think they decided to set their sight on areas that CAN place children. Even though I am sure there are heavy hearts, no doubt the WACAP waiting families are breathing a sigh of relief in that we may be able to finally see some referral movement. It has been EIGHT MONTHS since our last referral. Geesh!

The next few weeks, WACAP is finalizing partnership agreements with some new orphanages in the northern most part of Ethiopia. This is an area that WACAP has some family preservation programs (sponsorship), so have established a good relationship already with officiates. It sounds as though this area's climate is harsh, poverty is at epidemic levels, there's been years of civil unrest, a very high rate of HIV/AIDES, and minimal agencies working in this area. No doubt (and unfortunately), many orphans there are waiting for a home.

WACAP's Friday news letter said that once the partnership's loose ends are tied up, there are children waiting to be referred, so we should see some referral movement in the next few weeks - possibly up to a month. These are much easier words to read than "several months".

My husband and I have pretty much shelved our feelings on this adoption for now. Last fall, we hit an all-time-low, so our survivalist mental state made us put our feelings in a tin can, place it on the top shelf, and push it back out of sight. At one time, our reactions were of such highs and lows to all adoption news, but now our affects are flat. Who knows what to believe or trust with this process, really. We were told "expect a call in a month" a year ago, so even though I am updating this blog for you all, our reactions to this news was just a, "Neh....". If that call ever comes, I am very interested to see how we will react.

In the meantime, the world keeps revolving for our little man. He is now SIX years old (did I really just type that)? He is in love with learning, is loving and kind to his friends, and just skipped a whole level in skiing today - going from level 2 (where he had plateaued for 2 years) to a level 4! He also knows every word to his Justin Berber CD, is insistent that he grow his hair out like a rock star, and is so proud that he just did this.....

Blogger share

Just because I think that this is a great blog to share (really captures that Mother/Son relationship), and because I feel I must do something from keeping this blog from getting stagnant (no news yet, but finally our agency reps are physically in ET advocating for referral movement and building new partnerships with one of the many overflowing orphanages in the Northern part of ET).

studerteam.blogspot.com/2011/11/25-...

Not giving up just yet...

Just a quick mini update. We are extending our deadline. I actually called my agency last week to tell them that we had a deadline at the end of this month. Our caseworker strongly encouraged us to stick it out a little longer. She confessed that one orphanage that exclusively works with WACAP has several children (rumor has it there are 12) pinned for WACAP families and they are just waiting for their paperwork to be processed.

Now, hearing this type of news (when we are at the top of the list) this time last year would have sent Husband and I doing cartwheels around the house, but now it is sort of like, "Well.......".

This orphanage is in the southern region of Ethiopia where paperwork is a messy process that moves at a snail's pace with no guarantees. It could be completed in 6 day, weeks, or months. This children may not even end up qualifying as orphans (if find a living parent, etc). And then with that, there is still that dread that their little lives will not survive the process.

I admit that we still find that tiny ounce of hope that one of those 12 children IS our daughter. In all seriousness... the odds are hugely in our favor that one of those children is a girl. We have boxed away our emotions regarding this prospect with with lock and key for now, but it is enough of a glimmering hope to make us know that we could not walk away right now.

Where we stand today

A few of you have been asking for updates in these final days of this crazy adoption journey of ours. Well, unfortunately, nothing much has changed. Time has allowed be more to aware of and come face to face with our feelings, I guess. Instead of the numbing fear in which I (we) had been experiencing the past few months, our emotional roller coaster has now leveled off.

On a high note, we seem to have wrapped our heads around an older adoption and feel pretty okay with it. Officially, we are now on the wait list for a girl, ages 2-5. Fear had gripped us with bringing an older child into our home; all we could link "older" to was scary words such as RAD (reactive attachment disorder). But truthfully, we eventually just got honest with our feelings in that we have simply aged our of "baby". It just does not feel right for our stages in life anymore and we had to make the choice that if wanted to move forward with adoption, it was going to be older or nothing.

The more we investigated older adoptions by reading, taking classes, and talking to families, the more we realized it is mostly about the child's inherent disposition and resiliency more than anything. Adoption is trauma and loss to these youngsters - to babies and toddlers. I have now heard almost equal stories of 6 month babies not transitioning well and 6 year old blending in perfectly with an adoptive family. We are fully aware that adoption always holds more risks and older can be more challenging at first, but more than ever, we have accepted that things will be the way they will be. Life. There are just no guarantees.

The low note is the reality that things are still not looking good for ET adoptions. In fact, they are looking worse. Let me explain what is going on over there the best way that I understand.

A + B + C

A: A child becomes "referral ready" at an affiliated orphanage. With the restructuring of adoptions via ET government this last year, "referral ready" means a rather stringent process (including an investigation) to ensure that the child is a true orphan. The ET government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays. In the end, a much coveted MOWA letter is issues stating that the orphaned child is legitimate. Where I am still a bit hazy is where in this process the child is matched with a family. It would be the most logical to assume that the child would be matched after the sign, sealed, and delivered MOWA letter, but I am hearing too many families getting matched and flying to ET for their court date without the letter being issued. ??? Anyhow, now to.....

B: The family flies out, spends time with the child, starts the bonding and loving, then goes to court and adopts the child. Let me repeat, ADOPTS THE CHILD. The family then leaves back to the states leaving the child there while .....

C: The US Embassy gets their paperwork in order. Again, for reasons I am not entirely clear, there has been some changes with how the Embassy is processing these children's paperwork (visa, passports, etc). Apparently, the US government is skeptical of the ET government process of orphan investigation (?), so they are conducting their own paper chase. The US government is scrambling to process this threefold paperwork process now with limited staff and budget; hence the delays (hmmm... sound familiar?). IF... WHEN... the child passes the second round of investigations, then the family can fly back to ET to pick up their child(ren) to bring them home.

I am all about making double sure that a child is legitimately an orphan, but last week our adoption agency sent our a dreadful email to our waiting families and we are all shaken to the core. There were a handful of babies referred out last June (the last wave of referrals). Somewhere between B and C, these children we relocated to a new facility that was acting as an interim between the recently closed down orphanage. Details have been limited and are still leaking out, but I believe that these children were already adopted by their families and their was a hold-up in the US Embassy process. I have heard rumors that these families were searching for their children's status and locations. Apparently, wherever they were, they were languishing and WACAP got word that 3 of the referred babies have died.

My heart has been breaking for those dear babies and loving families. I have been mourning the potential loss of the "idea" of our daughter, so I can't imagine what these families are going through that have already started to attached (and adopted!) to a specific child.

WACAP sounded outraged in their email stating that the US and ET government is failing these children by their delays and uncoordinated restructuring, but there are so many looming questions. I am fighting every inch of my being not to let these doubtful questions creep into my mind, but I can't help but wonder if enough was done on WACAP's behalf to provide a safe haven for these children. Even more so, I question what the HELL we are getting ourselves into.

But despite all of this, we do march on. No doubt many of you reading this may think we must be on the brink of insanity to continue (and we sort of are), but unless you have walked in our shoes, words really can't express why and how we continue on - possibly past our "December 31st" deadline. Honestly, we can't even really figure out that tug anymore. I can verbalize a few feelings to express where we are at today, however.

There are 118 waiting families with WACAP. By changing our referral request, we are now in the #2 spot for age 2-4 referral and #1 for age 5. That is awfully close to feel that our hearts can peacefully go on with the "what-ifs" if we were to bail out now.

Husband and I have come to terms with stopping. As each day passes, we just sort of accept that we will most likely walk forward in life as our family of three. Even though we have always envisioned our family being larger and a little piece of our hearts will always feel that emptiness, we can find contentment with how things are. It would be rough at first to stop, but we know it would get easier. The Kid will be okay, too. We think.

We try our to shield him from the drama. We keep is simple, stick to the facts if we need to, but we can go through weeks without even breathing a word of the adoption within his earshot. Lately, however, we have been watching and listening to his cues and know that he is grieving this potential loss, too. More than grieving - his verbalization of grief is practically palatable and gut wrenching. He confessed how he still longed for her and begged us to tell the agency to still call us of they "find our sister" after we stop. He gets sad after we are around families with siblings. He has taken a newly adopted boy from China (in his extended day program) under his wing. He has a Baby Alive on his Christmas list so he can "have something to take care of if we don't get baby sister" (Santa might be swapping out for a guinea pig instead). Finally, just yesterday, he just about jumped out of his pants when I sat down on a seat near him. Apparently, he has an imaginary "sister friend" that he plays with. Her name is something like "Alhea" or "Mireah" and I squished her when I sat on her.

Again, I know that the kid WILL be okay if Sister never comes to us because he is happy and has a great life but add these confessions to the mix, and the signs are too big to stop just yet.

Hopefully, my next post will be of some cheerful pictures of the holidays (Grammy is coming for a visit!), and maybe even some good news in general for a change!

October fun!

What does one do to get one's mind off of the doom-and-gloom of a crappy adoption (all referrals from ET have come to a screeching halt and there is no end in sight....it is not looking good for us, folks....not at all)? We get out and have some fun!

We started by getting out to enjoy these beautiful mountains just minutes from our doorstep.
A few weeks later, we had our first big snow storm, so of course my boys had to be the first up the canyon to go sledding and to scout out the ski slopes. Notice my son trying to force a smile. He was still in shock after his nightmare trip to Cookie Cutters. "We just asked for A TRIM!" My boy was so shocked at the stylist's misunderstanding of a trim.... which does not mean hacking two inches off... that he cried huge crocodile tears. In turn, the stylist cried, too. The drama! I still think he is a super cute little stinker, though.

Up, Up, and away!
And finally, a really big mind consuming activity was throwing our annual Halloween party. It was a total hit this year and the first party in our new home. We had over 40 people attend and kids were crying when they had to leave. I call that success. :) Got to hand it to our lovely house - it really is built for parties! As always, I forget to take many pictures, so the coolest parts of the party were not captured. The kitchen was filled with a variety of "spooktacular" food consisting of bone bread sticks in a bloody sauce, witch hat cookies, monster munch, and spiderweb dip. Here's a few highlights, though!

The kids started by snuggling in the garage to watch a frightful Scooby.
Next we roasted some weenies and marshmallows.
I whipped up some of my lizard tail, frog eye, snake guts brew. (Shhhh... don't tell, but that pirate was really Husband incognito. Nobody even guessed)
Last but not least, we surprised everyone with our disco room! They must have danced their little hearts out for 2 hours!

My cute little monster, Frankenstein. The girl behind him is his "future wife". He has been convinced that she is "the one" for two years now. Luckily, we like the parents so they have our nod of approval... when they are 30.
Can't help but show off my gorgeous little niece.
Fun times! It made throwing that massive shindig all worth it to see those smiling children (and smiling adult children, as well!).

I'll just take it as a sign.

Husband and I sent an email of our final decision to change our age request to 1-4 late last Monday night - meaning that WACAP would get it Tuesday morning and it would go into effect immediately. All day Tuesday at work, I had these wonderful visions of now walking off the airplane with a little girl holding my hand and no longer carrying an infant. It felt so good and so right. That VERY day I came home from work to find a package waiting on our front step from my sweet and thoughtful friend, Beth (she had no prior knowledge of us thinking about adopting an older child). There was an enclosed card saying she saw this lovely batik at an arts festival, thought of us, and knew she had to buy it. The inscription on the print says,

"Waiting on the porch for mama."

A few changes...

Here they are....

1) After hours, days, weeks, months of thinking and researching - soul searching and lamenting over where we were and where we are now .... we have decided to officially make some changes with our agency. No longer are we on the "infant" request. We are now open to adopt a toddler/child age 1-4.

2) We have had to make an official ending date to the madness. A date that has to be put out there to establish a mutual ground so that the potential blame and/or guilt is never felt toward the one that might have said "I'm done". Come December 31st, together we are pulling the plug.

I am at peace with this. Scared silly on many levels, but at peace.