Part I: How our referral came to be.

Since the holidays, we have been telling everyone that would listen that April 1st was the exact date we would be walking away from our adoption. We chose that date because our paperwork was going to expire and we knew that we simply did not have it in us to renew all of those documents for a 4th time. We also just needed a date which would signify the end of our adoption madness. I mean, what type of sane people hold on to a dead dream for SIX years anyhow? Ahem.... that would be us kind of people. And we are not sane.

As that date grew near, our emotions became more intensified. In order to protect our hearts, we manically started thinking of 101 reasons why adoption was no longer the right thing and why we would be okay with moving forward as a family of three. We started making lists of things we could start doing with the house by spending our adoption nest egg.  Hell, we did start to spend that adoption nest egg! I started researching vacation summer rentals on faraway islands.  I was seconds away from reserving our Mexican Christmas extravaganza. I even applied to another graduate program. Yes - we had plans and our new mantra was, "We will be OK. We will be OK".

But speaking for myself,  I was deeply conflicted on the inside. Husband says the same thing, but he is just one of those more stoic manly-man types, so it was harder to tell with him. Like for instance, when his friends would ask him over for a glass of wine cheap beer, I don't think he would end up a puddle of tears on their reclaimed wood kitchen table. But he was feeling it. As a matter of reality and then survival, we no longer wanted to listen to what was really in our hearts, and in truth, we had to shut that out and were almost to a point that we knew we would be OK.

In early March, J asked if we could talk about the adoption. I figured I would seize the moment to tell him that the adoption was over. Actually, my exact words were, "WACAP told us there are no more kids to adopt from Ethiopia, so they told us that we had to be done." (I know - total cop out, but I figured it was easier for him and us if I stated it that way). I immediately tried to sugarcoat the situation by telling him that this summer we could go to LegoLand! He could move into the bigger guest room and I will paint in any color that he wants - even black! In a few years I will take him to Europe to meet his cousins! Maybe even New Zealand to see Sage! Nothing worked. He sobbed for an hour with a cry that could only come from a broken heart. He could not be remedied by material things and all that mattered in his little life was that he got his sister (or brother, which he said he would settle for). In the weeks that followed, he never wanted to talk about it about it, though he did start carrying around his little dark skinned doll again and became obsessed with a Disney TV series about two boys that were adopted. His new neighborhood friend has a sister and he asked if it was Ok if he secretly pretended that she was his sister, too.

The week proceeding "the call" was monumental for a few reasons. March 28th marks the passing of an amazing lady - my Grandma Jensen. This was an extremely difficult time for my family. She was so dear to us all and 100 posts could not give credit to the lady that she was. She was a 96 yr old rockstar. She so badly wanted us to get our little girl. A few weeks before she passed, the three of us joined her for dinner and she told us how concerning it was to her that J ("her boy") would be growing up without a sibling.

On April 1st.... let me repeat. ON APRIL 1st (the very day we were going to stop) we got "the almost call". They told us that our ET representative had all of the information in hand for our referral and that he was just having someone translate one document before he sent it on our WACAP office in Washington.

I am all over the board when it comes to spirituality and the mysterious workings of the universe, but it is a nice thought that Grandma, in all of her take-charge-so-her-family-is-taken-care-of glory, stomped right in to that marvelous room filled with God, Jesus Christ, Ganesha, Buddha, Yu-Huang, and whomever else she could rally, put her fist to the table and said, "Now you listen here. My darlings have waited too long to bring their daughter home, so I want something done about this now!"

Thanks, Grandma. :)