Co-Sleeping

 
This parenting gig to an adopted child is not an easy road. I question myself daily if my parenting style is doing right by her and am filled with insecurity. So I naturally find it surprising when I am told that I am doing a great job parenting her! I then find it amusing when I tend to get the most questions and negative comments regarding a parenting skill I am doing that I instinctively know, without a doubt, I am doing absolutely right! That thing would be co-sleeping. What is co-sleeping, you ask? Well, it simply means sleeping together. 

Let me give you a little background. Countless articles and adoptive parents will tell you that this is a great thing to incorporate with your child when they first arrive home to help establish attachment and bonding. We tried it for about 10 minutes with my husband, Y, and myself and quickly found out that this would not work out for my husband. He has trouble sleeping and would not be able to stay asleep with a 3-year-old girl sharing the space in our queen bed - which is all our bedroom can accommodate. (This has been unfortunate for my husband as we both feel that this has impacted the rate that he has been attaching to her.) So, we found ourselves putting a double bed in her room with the intent of having me co-sleep with her for just a month or so. We are now approaching our 8 month mark and I have no plans to stop anytime soon. We did stop for a week over the holidays, but she would usually end up in my room at midnight with tears rolling down her face, pulling my hand in hers back to her bed. Yes, it is not the ideal situation for a husband and wife, but it is what is needed for this time and we remind ourselves that it won’t be forever.

Why is co-sleeping needed for now? Let me explain….

These are reasons why this is good for her:

1)   Y has never slept alone.  For the most part, families in Ethiopia sleep together and even at the orphanage, she shared a bed with her old BFF “sha-na-na”.  At first, being alone in a darkened room increased her anxiety of abandonment. This was apparent immediately, so we naturally felt that we had to ease her into the idea of sleeping alone.

2)   She wakes up at least 1 time a night looking for me. She is usually velcroed to my side, but when her body drifts away in sleep, she will wake and often calls out,  “Mama! Mama!” while frantically feeling around in the dark bed for my body.  I am sure it does wonders for her security to find that I am always there.

3)   Things come out when we are alone and she is relaxed and thinking. She often just starts to drift to sleep and then wakes up to tell me about a former trauma or a concern that she has about something. Sometimes she will just remember something fun in the day with a friend that she wants to share. These things are important for her to express, and with her busy, active days, she does not get the opportunity to do this. This is big deal stuff that comes out and I am glad that I am there for that. I need to be there for that.  

4)   I always know when she is processing something hard because she will want to lay on top of me to go to sleep. I might had thought things went smoothly for that day, but then it will be communicated that things were not OK when she needs to curl up in a little ball on my chest to go to sleep.

Why this is good for me:

1)   It really is not possible to explain the emotional component that goes into adopting a child ... and not a baby.  For me, the attachment and bonding has taken time and was (is still) a work in progress. But I do know that it has come as far as it has for myself – and at a quicker pace – because of our co-sleeping. Even though it is getting better, Y was not an affection child when she first joined out family. In fact, she would often fight off hugs and kisses. She did not know how to be affectionate, but when we are in bed, it is different. From the first night, I would wake to find her attached to my side - even though she initially wanted to go to sleep on the opposite side of the bed. A few weeks in, and on a very memorable occasion, she cuddled her body next to mine when she was going to sleep. I felt the love grow for her a few meters right at that moment. And even now, the affection comes and goes in the day, but I can always count on her asking and receiving numerous cuddles at night. It is usually when we are reading books and singing lullabies, but on occassion, I will wake to a whisper in my ear, "Mama, hug?"

2)   OK people, I know that this sounds super kooky, but as a parent, maybe you have done the same thing? When she is asleep, I pick her up and cradle her. Like baby. Like that baby experience that we never got to have.  Thankfully, she is a sound sleeper, so I can do this.  She is relaxed and molds into my arms (without her squirmy comfortableness). I kiss her forehead (without resistance). I tell her I love her (without her walking away). I take in her smell (without her picking up that I am sniffing her – prompting a whinefest to put her lotion on). I am not sure she is always asleep when I do this. The other night, I swear she cracked a smile. These moments for me are important and have done wonders for my bonding! (And who knows.... maybe it is doing wonders for her, too.)

3)   When she wakes up calling for “Mama”, it makes me feels good knowing that she needs me and is receptive to my soothing.

4)   She will often talk in her sleep and it is always about Mama, or Daddy, or J. Usually there is giggling and laughing, but sometimes she is scared and anxious. I love hearing her do this. It makes me feel good knowing that we must impact her enough that it is carrying through to her sleep.

5) And finally – I am not sure how to explain this, but I missed out on the first 3.5 years of my baby girl’s life.  I know that those first years for Y were filled with more hardships than the average person faces in a lifetime. And I….. I was in my own personal trauma knowing that I was missing out on this girl’s life - this daughter that I knew was out there waiting to come home to me (us). We have a lot of time to catch up on. I work all day, so I don’t feel I can miss important moments with her when I am home. Nighttime is one of the most important times in her day, so I will be there for her as long as she needs me.